(no subject)
Just got a really upset phone call from Mom. She's upset that we didn't give them anything last night. I took her hurt as what I deserved, and didn't try to excuse myself. I didn't apologize - I thought if I did, it would sound insincere. I did tell her that it was unintentional and the result of bad planning.
Somehow I knew this was ineveitable.
So I get to kick myself some more today and try to figure out how to make amends.
EDIT, 3pm: I'm so tired of all the God-damned drama. I walk on egg shells around my mother at the best of times and she stomps all over me for the littlest things. She has no respect for my desire to leave religion, specifically the Mormon one, behind (she gave me two church books and a talk on cd for Christmas - "I'm not trying to push religion on you, I just thought there might be something there you can use."). I'm tired of feeling like I have to keep a tally in my head for every little thing that's been done for (or to) me to ensure adequate recompense later. I didn't "forget" them for Christmas - I had them over for dinner Sunday night. The siblings' gifts are still sitting in my dining room, waiting to be mailed - and even then, there isn't much monetary value any of the boxes. I'll spend more on shipping than I did to put in the box. Christmas Eve, I even thought about not even sending them because of the inplied lack of fairness.
*turns away* Don't mind me...I'm just upset and trying to get it all out of my system. I don't know how my dad deals with it; I don't know how my mother can stand being in such an emotional uproar all the time. I'm tired of feeling like nothing I do is quite good enough and that I'm competing with everyone in the world and that my mother's love is conditional on my acting just the way she wants and expects me to.
I know there's nothing I can do to change the way she feels. All I can do is try to deal with the guilt and pick up the pieces when I (inevitably) fuck things up.
"Now I know where we stand, since you got gifts for the siblings and not for us - not even a card."
"Are the adults not exchanging gifts next year?"
"I need to know, so I won't start working on January first on gifts for you."
"I thought I raised you better than that."
Somehow I knew this was ineveitable.
So I get to kick myself some more today and try to figure out how to make amends.
EDIT, 3pm: I'm so tired of all the God-damned drama. I walk on egg shells around my mother at the best of times and she stomps all over me for the littlest things. She has no respect for my desire to leave religion, specifically the Mormon one, behind (she gave me two church books and a talk on cd for Christmas - "I'm not trying to push religion on you, I just thought there might be something there you can use."). I'm tired of feeling like I have to keep a tally in my head for every little thing that's been done for (or to) me to ensure adequate recompense later. I didn't "forget" them for Christmas - I had them over for dinner Sunday night. The siblings' gifts are still sitting in my dining room, waiting to be mailed - and even then, there isn't much monetary value any of the boxes. I'll spend more on shipping than I did to put in the box. Christmas Eve, I even thought about not even sending them because of the inplied lack of fairness.
*turns away* Don't mind me...I'm just upset and trying to get it all out of my system. I don't know how my dad deals with it; I don't know how my mother can stand being in such an emotional uproar all the time. I'm tired of feeling like nothing I do is quite good enough and that I'm competing with everyone in the world and that my mother's love is conditional on my acting just the way she wants and expects me to.
I know there's nothing I can do to change the way she feels. All I can do is try to deal with the guilt and pick up the pieces when I (inevitably) fuck things up.
"Now I know where we stand, since you got gifts for the siblings and not for us - not even a card."
"Are the adults not exchanging gifts next year?"
"I need to know, so I won't start working on January first on gifts for you."
"I thought I raised you better than that."