(no subject)
A couple of you know that one of my brothers chose not to come to my wedding on April 3rd. He and his wife live in Japan for the year teaching English to grade school-aged language immersion students. The record breaking earthquake and tsunami hit Sendai, which is the city they live and teach in. Scary stuff, right? Fortunately, they were just fine. By the time of my wedding, most services and businesses were in working order, however, including the airport and regularly scheduled flights. We were all so happy when everything went back to "normal" and he would be able to make the wedding.
Then he dropped the big bomb, "I'm not going to be able to make it back for your wedding, but I'm thinking about you and I love you." That was the exact phrasing he gave me in a voice mail. Mom and my other brother were able to give me a little bit more detail, since apparently he told everyone else before he told me. He told Mom that he didn't want to leave his wife alone in Japan with all the upheaval, aftershocks, and nuclear power scares. Totally understandable. His wife was never going to come to my wedding since they felt they couldn't afford it (tickets even during normal times are NOT cheap). He said he wouldn't be able to live with himself if something happened to her and he weren't there. Again, totally understandable and even laudable. I wouldn't leave my husband behind in a situation like that, either. Mom's response was that my wedding was important and since he felt that strongly about it, she would go buy a second airfare for his wife the very next day. This was a pretty extreme offer, since airfare after the various disasters were between $2500 and $3000. She was completely serious though. He said no, they weren't going and would stay in Japan.
I think I cried every night for a week before my wedding. He made some joke about being able to get me a better present because he wasn't going to be there and my first (strictly mental) response was to tell him to keep his damned present. I just wanted my brother. All of this was exacerbated by his wife posting on their travel blog how she equated herself to Esther in the Bible by denying their families for the greater good of God's plan. I'm a Christian and I love the Lord, but I don't deal well with that sort of rhetoric from anyone no matter how innocently its meant.
Anyway, at some point before the wedding I was talking to spryteimp and I asked her if she felt like I was being an unreasonable bitch. One of the reasons I love her so much is that rather than just dismissing my concern with a careless reassurance, she actually asked me things about their response to everything happening that so she could make an informed decision. Things like, were they providing trained medical aide? Would he be able to get back into the country easily after he left? (I hadn't thought much about that one until she brought it up, I admit.) Were they doing anything essential that would be hard to replace if they were not there? When the answers were in favor of him coming to my wedding and not staying in Japan necessarily, she told me that I had a right to be upset, but that I should still try to see it from their point of view. And I tried. I really, really tried (outside of a very private comment I made to Ray about how I truly felt that if it were her sister getting married, she would have moved heaven and earth to attend). And I didn't make an issue out of it at the wedding or at any point to anyone except to my husband and my other brother. My parents knew I wasn't very amused but I didn't say anything to them, either, once Mom was done telling me she tried to get my brother's wife a ticket too.
Last night I was reading my sister-in-law's Facebook post about how excited she was to return to the States for her maid of honor's wedding in August. I called my brother - turns out he's going too. He wanted to know if I would take several days off so they could visit with us to make up for them not making it to my wedding. WTF? I was floored. I mean, not that I don't want to see them or anything, but how is that going to make up for anything? And why should I drop everyone on my plate to accommodate them? Mom told me they wanted her to drive to LA to pick them up cause it's cheaper for them to fly there. It's a 6+ hour drive!!! It's not up the road. Rent a friggin' car. The rest of us have to when we want to go places that far away.
I really want to know how far in advance they knew about this friend's wedding. They couldn't both afford to come to mine, but they can both afford to go to a friend's? Even accounting for the elapsed time and chance to save up, that's a huge amount of money that wasn't there before. Can they both go only because my brother didn't come to mine? How's that for an awful thought?
I mentioned to mom very briefly this morning when I took her out for brunch that I am trying so hard not to be bitter, but it's difficult. And I really am, and it really is. It's so hard for me to separate out the hurt from any other pertinent details. All I wanted - all I wanted - was to have my family with me on the most important day of my life. My most obscure cousin even came, but my brother wouldn't. He had the chance to come and he chose not to come. And now he's going to go to some girl's wedding and come see me for a day on the side cause he thinks he should to make up for it. It's hard not to feel resentful and hurt at that, although I will be happy to see him.
I guess I just don't know how to get past it - I think through all of my hard times, all the things I did to myself physically and mentally and emotionally and all of my depression in the past - all of that, all of the things I've overcome and this is the single most hurtful thing I can think of that has ever happened to me. And I don't know how to get past it.
That's a pretty difficult thing for me to struggle with. I keep thinking I've made peace with the situation and then someone says something that makes me realize that I just haven't. I don't know what to do. I don't want to ruin his visit when he comes but I don't know how to not. And I don't want to talk about it, which doesn't help - not with him, not with my parents, not with anyone.
Then he dropped the big bomb, "I'm not going to be able to make it back for your wedding, but I'm thinking about you and I love you." That was the exact phrasing he gave me in a voice mail. Mom and my other brother were able to give me a little bit more detail, since apparently he told everyone else before he told me. He told Mom that he didn't want to leave his wife alone in Japan with all the upheaval, aftershocks, and nuclear power scares. Totally understandable. His wife was never going to come to my wedding since they felt they couldn't afford it (tickets even during normal times are NOT cheap). He said he wouldn't be able to live with himself if something happened to her and he weren't there. Again, totally understandable and even laudable. I wouldn't leave my husband behind in a situation like that, either. Mom's response was that my wedding was important and since he felt that strongly about it, she would go buy a second airfare for his wife the very next day. This was a pretty extreme offer, since airfare after the various disasters were between $2500 and $3000. She was completely serious though. He said no, they weren't going and would stay in Japan.
I think I cried every night for a week before my wedding. He made some joke about being able to get me a better present because he wasn't going to be there and my first (strictly mental) response was to tell him to keep his damned present. I just wanted my brother. All of this was exacerbated by his wife posting on their travel blog how she equated herself to Esther in the Bible by denying their families for the greater good of God's plan. I'm a Christian and I love the Lord, but I don't deal well with that sort of rhetoric from anyone no matter how innocently its meant.
Anyway, at some point before the wedding I was talking to spryteimp and I asked her if she felt like I was being an unreasonable bitch. One of the reasons I love her so much is that rather than just dismissing my concern with a careless reassurance, she actually asked me things about their response to everything happening that so she could make an informed decision. Things like, were they providing trained medical aide? Would he be able to get back into the country easily after he left? (I hadn't thought much about that one until she brought it up, I admit.) Were they doing anything essential that would be hard to replace if they were not there? When the answers were in favor of him coming to my wedding and not staying in Japan necessarily, she told me that I had a right to be upset, but that I should still try to see it from their point of view. And I tried. I really, really tried (outside of a very private comment I made to Ray about how I truly felt that if it were her sister getting married, she would have moved heaven and earth to attend). And I didn't make an issue out of it at the wedding or at any point to anyone except to my husband and my other brother. My parents knew I wasn't very amused but I didn't say anything to them, either, once Mom was done telling me she tried to get my brother's wife a ticket too.
Last night I was reading my sister-in-law's Facebook post about how excited she was to return to the States for her maid of honor's wedding in August. I called my brother - turns out he's going too. He wanted to know if I would take several days off so they could visit with us to make up for them not making it to my wedding. WTF? I was floored. I mean, not that I don't want to see them or anything, but how is that going to make up for anything? And why should I drop everyone on my plate to accommodate them? Mom told me they wanted her to drive to LA to pick them up cause it's cheaper for them to fly there. It's a 6+ hour drive!!! It's not up the road. Rent a friggin' car. The rest of us have to when we want to go places that far away.
I really want to know how far in advance they knew about this friend's wedding. They couldn't both afford to come to mine, but they can both afford to go to a friend's? Even accounting for the elapsed time and chance to save up, that's a huge amount of money that wasn't there before. Can they both go only because my brother didn't come to mine? How's that for an awful thought?
I mentioned to mom very briefly this morning when I took her out for brunch that I am trying so hard not to be bitter, but it's difficult. And I really am, and it really is. It's so hard for me to separate out the hurt from any other pertinent details. All I wanted - all I wanted - was to have my family with me on the most important day of my life. My most obscure cousin even came, but my brother wouldn't. He had the chance to come and he chose not to come. And now he's going to go to some girl's wedding and come see me for a day on the side cause he thinks he should to make up for it. It's hard not to feel resentful and hurt at that, although I will be happy to see him.
I guess I just don't know how to get past it - I think through all of my hard times, all the things I did to myself physically and mentally and emotionally and all of my depression in the past - all of that, all of the things I've overcome and this is the single most hurtful thing I can think of that has ever happened to me. And I don't know how to get past it.
That's a pretty difficult thing for me to struggle with. I keep thinking I've made peace with the situation and then someone says something that makes me realize that I just haven't. I don't know what to do. I don't want to ruin his visit when he comes but I don't know how to not. And I don't want to talk about it, which doesn't help - not with him, not with my parents, not with anyone.