Mild update
So I've been slowly fading out of my last phase and coming to terms with my place in reality. I spent half a year rejecting my life and making a game out of it. Now I'm turning that game into something I can become involved in and actually enjoying my years here, however many left there are. Death, fear, and loss never seemed less intimidating. I've learned that I have no control over such things, and should become one with them.
As far as love goes, I do miss it. This is a natural human urge though that everyone lives with. It's our human plight. Struggle for love at all costs. I accept that for what it is and enjoy my day. Sometimes I wonder if what would be best were to manifest the love myself. For so long I've took a passive view on it and said to myself that something will arise. Often times I question that and wonder if I can just take it into my own hands. Who honestly knows though. Life is weird like this. Every moment brings you to a fork in the road and based on your mood, emotions, and current set of logic, you make a decision. When reflecting on certain forks you bring in your newly found mood, emotions, and logic to make a new decision, but this isn't efficient whatsoever. It will more often than not make you regret that the current situation your in didn't occur to you sooner. For example, I often wish I could go back and do high school over. Most people probably feel this. It's only because the experience has been lived and we now understand what it was and how to best go about it.
Love isn't my biggest problem though. My biggest problem is my ego falling apart, and realizing what it actually means. As my ego has slowly been taking a beating from my repeating psychedelic expeditions, I'm slowly losing my will to fight for what is "mine". Or what I feel should be mine. My possessiveness has completely withered. Even with my recent Sarah love affair, I found it very difficult to try and claim her for myself, which I'm sure is what she was waiting for.
Don't get me wrong, my ego definitely exists, it just has a completely different nature nowadays. It more often than not, takes the form of solitude. I prefer being by myself and enjoying my own company. I feel like when I'm with large groups of people, I'm trying to enjoy other peoples company, which also because of psychedelics, almost doesn't matter to me. I don't really care about other people anymore like I used to. Socialization used to be my main goal, now it's just a chore. All I really want is a setting where I can fully enjoy the mind I've created, without feeling reliant on others. This just sounds like everyone else's goal put into more words.
Goals. Do I have any? Nothing too extravagant. I hope someday for my own house. That goal is slowly being put into action as well. We will see where that goes. Job? I know exactly which line of work I'll end up taking. It's just a matter of how my psyche will fit into it. I tend to "lose my mind" when working, only because of repetition. I used to embrace the cycles of life, but now they almost disgust me. I love randomness. Different tastes, smells, sights, and sounds. Whenever something is different, I feel like I'm expanding my life to include this new thing. When I fit more things into my mental bandwidth, I feel like I'm fulfilling some sort of purpose in my own mind to live my life to the fullest.
Large parts of me want to settle down in a very primitive setting though. House, job, maybe a family some day. This goal is very realizable. My only problem is my current psyche almost doesn't permit this time of thing. I realize that theres only a few paths one can take in the position I'm in. American citizen, white, male, etc. I've been dropped into a very specific setting and now I have a few roads to take. Coming to terms with this has proven to be quite difficult. I do love life though and where it's taking me.
I can't be more thankful for who I am. I feel very stable and clear headed almost all of the time. If I were to die this very instant, I think I would overall be glad with the shit that happened or didn't happen. There's really no choice. I forgot what movie I heard this from, but they said that after all of your struggles to find your place in life, worrying about money, trying to find love, once you reach your last moments, all you can do is let go. I feel so much comfort in that thought that it helps me not worry about almost anything. Letting go is precisely what I've learned through repeated psychedelics experiences. Surrendering your will to the nature of life, the chaos of life. It's such a beautiful thing when you think about it.
I had a great run with marijuana. I probably smoked it daily for about 6 months. It allowed me to break into a new mind state and weigh the good and the bad of sobriety. I now realize the benefits of being sober and the benefits of intoxication. Given, marijuana has very mild effects, I feel that the mild effects have had profound change on my life. This is probably due to it's explosive social value. Most of our mind is manifested by social values, and when one chooses to embrace a taboo, it causes a serious self reflection about the life you've been living. Marijuana itself is an extremely mild thing. When delving into the world of LSD though, the social taboos almost never come into play. I can't remember if I've ever had a conscious thought about LSD's legality or social position.
Anyways, I'll wrap this up by saying that I'll be continuing my psychedelics journey to see what is beyond the folds of reality. In the luxurious mansion of life, there seems to be no reason to simply remain in the guest bedroom. Exploring the corridors and living spaces of otherly things is compelling. My real life though, will simply play itself out without my choosing. Manifest destiny is bullshit, almost completely.
Best life lesson I've learned so far: Let go.
As far as love goes, I do miss it. This is a natural human urge though that everyone lives with. It's our human plight. Struggle for love at all costs. I accept that for what it is and enjoy my day. Sometimes I wonder if what would be best were to manifest the love myself. For so long I've took a passive view on it and said to myself that something will arise. Often times I question that and wonder if I can just take it into my own hands. Who honestly knows though. Life is weird like this. Every moment brings you to a fork in the road and based on your mood, emotions, and current set of logic, you make a decision. When reflecting on certain forks you bring in your newly found mood, emotions, and logic to make a new decision, but this isn't efficient whatsoever. It will more often than not make you regret that the current situation your in didn't occur to you sooner. For example, I often wish I could go back and do high school over. Most people probably feel this. It's only because the experience has been lived and we now understand what it was and how to best go about it.
Love isn't my biggest problem though. My biggest problem is my ego falling apart, and realizing what it actually means. As my ego has slowly been taking a beating from my repeating psychedelic expeditions, I'm slowly losing my will to fight for what is "mine". Or what I feel should be mine. My possessiveness has completely withered. Even with my recent Sarah love affair, I found it very difficult to try and claim her for myself, which I'm sure is what she was waiting for.
Don't get me wrong, my ego definitely exists, it just has a completely different nature nowadays. It more often than not, takes the form of solitude. I prefer being by myself and enjoying my own company. I feel like when I'm with large groups of people, I'm trying to enjoy other peoples company, which also because of psychedelics, almost doesn't matter to me. I don't really care about other people anymore like I used to. Socialization used to be my main goal, now it's just a chore. All I really want is a setting where I can fully enjoy the mind I've created, without feeling reliant on others. This just sounds like everyone else's goal put into more words.
Goals. Do I have any? Nothing too extravagant. I hope someday for my own house. That goal is slowly being put into action as well. We will see where that goes. Job? I know exactly which line of work I'll end up taking. It's just a matter of how my psyche will fit into it. I tend to "lose my mind" when working, only because of repetition. I used to embrace the cycles of life, but now they almost disgust me. I love randomness. Different tastes, smells, sights, and sounds. Whenever something is different, I feel like I'm expanding my life to include this new thing. When I fit more things into my mental bandwidth, I feel like I'm fulfilling some sort of purpose in my own mind to live my life to the fullest.
Large parts of me want to settle down in a very primitive setting though. House, job, maybe a family some day. This goal is very realizable. My only problem is my current psyche almost doesn't permit this time of thing. I realize that theres only a few paths one can take in the position I'm in. American citizen, white, male, etc. I've been dropped into a very specific setting and now I have a few roads to take. Coming to terms with this has proven to be quite difficult. I do love life though and where it's taking me.
I can't be more thankful for who I am. I feel very stable and clear headed almost all of the time. If I were to die this very instant, I think I would overall be glad with the shit that happened or didn't happen. There's really no choice. I forgot what movie I heard this from, but they said that after all of your struggles to find your place in life, worrying about money, trying to find love, once you reach your last moments, all you can do is let go. I feel so much comfort in that thought that it helps me not worry about almost anything. Letting go is precisely what I've learned through repeated psychedelics experiences. Surrendering your will to the nature of life, the chaos of life. It's such a beautiful thing when you think about it.
I had a great run with marijuana. I probably smoked it daily for about 6 months. It allowed me to break into a new mind state and weigh the good and the bad of sobriety. I now realize the benefits of being sober and the benefits of intoxication. Given, marijuana has very mild effects, I feel that the mild effects have had profound change on my life. This is probably due to it's explosive social value. Most of our mind is manifested by social values, and when one chooses to embrace a taboo, it causes a serious self reflection about the life you've been living. Marijuana itself is an extremely mild thing. When delving into the world of LSD though, the social taboos almost never come into play. I can't remember if I've ever had a conscious thought about LSD's legality or social position.
Anyways, I'll wrap this up by saying that I'll be continuing my psychedelics journey to see what is beyond the folds of reality. In the luxurious mansion of life, there seems to be no reason to simply remain in the guest bedroom. Exploring the corridors and living spaces of otherly things is compelling. My real life though, will simply play itself out without my choosing. Manifest destiny is bullshit, almost completely.
Best life lesson I've learned so far: Let go.