(no subject)
So I haven't updated in a really long time, and I know that if I don't do it now, I'll most likely forget what Christ has been showing me, so this is as much for documentation for myself as it is sharing with the faithful LJ readers. A few weeks ago was Getaway, our week long summer retreat in Myrtle Beach. I went in soooo ready to see the Lord do some amazing things. We had great numbers, great kids, great speakers and I was joined on my team with some great leaders. It was perfect. Looking back on it, the Lord moved. No doubt about it. However, my idea of how it would have looked was very misskewed. Instead of having kids rise up and rally together under the banner of Christ (which they did in a sense) I watched the Lord move in His children inwardly.
God taught me two things throughout that week. First off, everyone has a story. And everyone's story involves a deep pain, doesn't matter if you're Bozo the Clown or a prison convict.. we all have hurt. We as people tend to focus so much on the fact that life is a movie and that we are the stars for the simple fact that we have been in every scene. It makes alot of sense to me. However, Jesus entered into our movies and asked us to turn the camera to others. So yeah, I was pretty spiritually drained I guess, but more than anything else, I was emotionally drained. To give you alittle background, we have pretty 'good' kids at Lake Highland. The freshman for the most part seem to be kids that have stayed out of trouble, make good grades and only do little mischief. The older guys, drinking and girls. In a worldview, nothing horrible. So to look at these people's eyes and hear stories about drugs, and attempted suicide, and parent's deaths, and on and on and on and on broke my heart. The trick is, these students had no idea how deeply affected their hearts had become. What I mean is this (and this is my second point) We have all been hurt by sin. Either our sin, the sin of others, or the "cursing of the ground" mentioned in Genesis 3:17, and it has stung us incredibly. However, the pain in our heart is there, and then we come to know Jesus, and it feels great and happy and fixed. So we start learning what being a Christian means, and memorizing Scripture or loving on friends, meanwhile that hole in our heart is still hurting. So it hurts on the lonely nights and we say stuff like, "Jesus give me more of You, or we do some behavior modification to 'fix our lives' and our hearts begin to grow scabs or callousus. But every now and then, another night when we are forced to focus on our own lives will come about and we will have a hurt. So we get into leadership, or develope our spiritual gifts, or call on our fellowship or boyfriends or girlfriends and ALL the while, we have never once faced the pain in our hearts!!! We have never sat there in the pain CRYING OUT to our heavenly Fathers like the babies that we are! And that is the story of me, and most of my students. So what God allowed for us to do was sit there, and be real with Him. If we hurt this morning, we cried out and said 'GOD I hurt sooo bad today. Where is it coming from?' and we would search it, rather than just saying "God, thank You for today and keep everyone safe." The hardest part about this was that we would have to go deep into heart with Jesus, and find that scab and TEAR it off and sit there as the blood leaked, knowing that yeah, it hurt, but at least it is pumping with the realness of life. The difference is, we had Jesus with us and as we dug and dug we invited Him along with us until we felt like He knew us like He never has before even though that wasn't truly the case. He has known all along but we are finally reconnected with our hearts.
After that came the mess. The beautiful mess. So far we had focused on ourselves...which is exactly what we needed to do. We told God we wanted a personal relationship with Him and it wasn't personal as long as we weren't real with ourselves. However, when we were our hearts needed a reason or a scapegoat for all the hurt. And if we were to be real, most of us would cry out and blame it on Jesus. It sounds bad, but this is so beautiful in my eyes. Because we would sit there bleeding, and asking our Daddy why He would allow such hurt to come to our lives. Sometimes He was the one with the answers, sometimes He was the 'bad guy that did this to us' However, in a beautiful way our hearts were being directed to Him. What started off in a self-search has now become a REAL Jesus search. Is He really what the Bible says He is? For most of us, we have heard it to be the case, and just taken it as that, and never really experienced it when He said ALL things work for the good of those God and live according to His purpose. Why not experience it? IS that true? And the answer is Yes....yes... a hundred times more...yes.. But now in our hearts, its real. We have lived this...not immediatly. We maybe even hated Him for a time but throughout this journey He has NEVER let us down.. NEVER. I make it seem like this was all throughout one conversation with students, and it wasnt. This was a painful and emotional journey, but it was necessary. Some of us needed to sit there and hurt for a long time. Some of us needed to not be okay with God for a while. Some of us needed to really step out of the boat and into the water and see if He had the power to do something about it. But we all had to be real with ourselves and with Him in order to make real to us. In our wounds, He woos us.
On a semi personal note, some of you might be hurting really really bad right now and asking yourselves why. I almost hesistate to give you the answers to that question, because it something you need to find out yourselves. However, my friend Jeremy Absher put it like this. "God allows that which He hates, to accomplish that which He loves." Keep searching your heart and His. Ask Him WHY?! The answer is there and will be given to you by the voice the God. The same voice that commanded the land to form, and the dead to rise. For me, I had to look at my heart and realize that I didn't/don't believe that I am accepted. This is pretty vital to the Christian walk, but it was just something I knew. My family is nothing like me, and they don't really seem like family to me. My dad has this way about him that makes me feel like unless Im doing, or unless Im a certain way or whatever, that Im not really 'in' And that has shaped who I am. I strive to be a leader, to get my friends together, to be funny ect ect ect in order to always be accepted. And I had to take a good hard look at myself and ask God WHY my family isnt a family to me. When I hang out with them, I can't be myself because I am either the judgmental Christian in their eyes, or straight out wrong in my beliefs, and I am not one of them. I know that God has accepted me, but I didn't believe it. To a guy, we all want to know "We have what it takes" and I dont get that from them. So I sat there in the hurt. And asked God for answers, but He didn't want to give them to me just yet. So I searched His Word for where He said He accepted me, and I couldn't find anything (hard, I know but God was being sovereign) Finally I looked at my life, and the things that He had accomplished through me. For some reason, Christ chose to use me in people's lives. In fact, He chose to give me more opportunities than anyone back in Virginia, and finally I realized.. He wouldn't have done that unless He believed in ME as much as I believed in Him. :) My journey, though not yet complete, knows its final destination. And it is in the loving arms of my REAL Dad. The one who bears my mistakes, picks me up, shows me a glimpse of what He is up to at times, and satisfies the desire to be desired. And I sit here this morning wanting more of Him. I want to know the tone of His voice, the feel of His touch, the stare of His eyes, and the love of His heart. This is REAL life.
Anyway, Im sure I lost most of you through this, but like I said, it was also for me to get my thoughts out there. Im excited about spending time with Dad, and my brothers and sisters either in college, or high school in this week to come. Everyone that is gone, come back :) I miss you. God bless.
Ryan
God taught me two things throughout that week. First off, everyone has a story. And everyone's story involves a deep pain, doesn't matter if you're Bozo the Clown or a prison convict.. we all have hurt. We as people tend to focus so much on the fact that life is a movie and that we are the stars for the simple fact that we have been in every scene. It makes alot of sense to me. However, Jesus entered into our movies and asked us to turn the camera to others. So yeah, I was pretty spiritually drained I guess, but more than anything else, I was emotionally drained. To give you alittle background, we have pretty 'good' kids at Lake Highland. The freshman for the most part seem to be kids that have stayed out of trouble, make good grades and only do little mischief. The older guys, drinking and girls. In a worldview, nothing horrible. So to look at these people's eyes and hear stories about drugs, and attempted suicide, and parent's deaths, and on and on and on and on broke my heart. The trick is, these students had no idea how deeply affected their hearts had become. What I mean is this (and this is my second point) We have all been hurt by sin. Either our sin, the sin of others, or the "cursing of the ground" mentioned in Genesis 3:17, and it has stung us incredibly. However, the pain in our heart is there, and then we come to know Jesus, and it feels great and happy and fixed. So we start learning what being a Christian means, and memorizing Scripture or loving on friends, meanwhile that hole in our heart is still hurting. So it hurts on the lonely nights and we say stuff like, "Jesus give me more of You, or we do some behavior modification to 'fix our lives' and our hearts begin to grow scabs or callousus. But every now and then, another night when we are forced to focus on our own lives will come about and we will have a hurt. So we get into leadership, or develope our spiritual gifts, or call on our fellowship or boyfriends or girlfriends and ALL the while, we have never once faced the pain in our hearts!!! We have never sat there in the pain CRYING OUT to our heavenly Fathers like the babies that we are! And that is the story of me, and most of my students. So what God allowed for us to do was sit there, and be real with Him. If we hurt this morning, we cried out and said 'GOD I hurt sooo bad today. Where is it coming from?' and we would search it, rather than just saying "God, thank You for today and keep everyone safe." The hardest part about this was that we would have to go deep into heart with Jesus, and find that scab and TEAR it off and sit there as the blood leaked, knowing that yeah, it hurt, but at least it is pumping with the realness of life. The difference is, we had Jesus with us and as we dug and dug we invited Him along with us until we felt like He knew us like He never has before even though that wasn't truly the case. He has known all along but we are finally reconnected with our hearts.
After that came the mess. The beautiful mess. So far we had focused on ourselves...which is exactly what we needed to do. We told God we wanted a personal relationship with Him and it wasn't personal as long as we weren't real with ourselves. However, when we were our hearts needed a reason or a scapegoat for all the hurt. And if we were to be real, most of us would cry out and blame it on Jesus. It sounds bad, but this is so beautiful in my eyes. Because we would sit there bleeding, and asking our Daddy why He would allow such hurt to come to our lives. Sometimes He was the one with the answers, sometimes He was the 'bad guy that did this to us' However, in a beautiful way our hearts were being directed to Him. What started off in a self-search has now become a REAL Jesus search. Is He really what the Bible says He is? For most of us, we have heard it to be the case, and just taken it as that, and never really experienced it when He said ALL things work for the good of those God and live according to His purpose. Why not experience it? IS that true? And the answer is Yes....yes... a hundred times more...yes.. But now in our hearts, its real. We have lived this...not immediatly. We maybe even hated Him for a time but throughout this journey He has NEVER let us down.. NEVER. I make it seem like this was all throughout one conversation with students, and it wasnt. This was a painful and emotional journey, but it was necessary. Some of us needed to sit there and hurt for a long time. Some of us needed to not be okay with God for a while. Some of us needed to really step out of the boat and into the water and see if He had the power to do something about it. But we all had to be real with ourselves and with Him in order to make real to us. In our wounds, He woos us.
On a semi personal note, some of you might be hurting really really bad right now and asking yourselves why. I almost hesistate to give you the answers to that question, because it something you need to find out yourselves. However, my friend Jeremy Absher put it like this. "God allows that which He hates, to accomplish that which He loves." Keep searching your heart and His. Ask Him WHY?! The answer is there and will be given to you by the voice the God. The same voice that commanded the land to form, and the dead to rise. For me, I had to look at my heart and realize that I didn't/don't believe that I am accepted. This is pretty vital to the Christian walk, but it was just something I knew. My family is nothing like me, and they don't really seem like family to me. My dad has this way about him that makes me feel like unless Im doing, or unless Im a certain way or whatever, that Im not really 'in' And that has shaped who I am. I strive to be a leader, to get my friends together, to be funny ect ect ect in order to always be accepted. And I had to take a good hard look at myself and ask God WHY my family isnt a family to me. When I hang out with them, I can't be myself because I am either the judgmental Christian in their eyes, or straight out wrong in my beliefs, and I am not one of them. I know that God has accepted me, but I didn't believe it. To a guy, we all want to know "We have what it takes" and I dont get that from them. So I sat there in the hurt. And asked God for answers, but He didn't want to give them to me just yet. So I searched His Word for where He said He accepted me, and I couldn't find anything (hard, I know but God was being sovereign) Finally I looked at my life, and the things that He had accomplished through me. For some reason, Christ chose to use me in people's lives. In fact, He chose to give me more opportunities than anyone back in Virginia, and finally I realized.. He wouldn't have done that unless He believed in ME as much as I believed in Him. :) My journey, though not yet complete, knows its final destination. And it is in the loving arms of my REAL Dad. The one who bears my mistakes, picks me up, shows me a glimpse of what He is up to at times, and satisfies the desire to be desired. And I sit here this morning wanting more of Him. I want to know the tone of His voice, the feel of His touch, the stare of His eyes, and the love of His heart. This is REAL life.
Anyway, Im sure I lost most of you through this, but like I said, it was also for me to get my thoughts out there. Im excited about spending time with Dad, and my brothers and sisters either in college, or high school in this week to come. Everyone that is gone, come back :) I miss you. God bless.
Ryan