in.side.out
even if I wanted to I dont think I could, but I'm still trying.
things have been wild this week.
+++some weeks are so ordinary.
heather came last weekend, that was by far the highlight of last week.
---I needed to see her, and now I see that I needed to be rooted for a week of trial
tribulation, and falling out. Every day I'm learning how to make it through.
&&& Monday was juxtaposed with all sorts of crazy thoughts and ideas. Events and actions.
It was a difficult day - I was feeling emotional.
It was the first day that I found myself having a crush on someone other than bry.
When I felt those feelings surge into my head and heart for the other boy -
it hurt so bad
becuase I knew it meant I would leave bryan soon.
NOt to be dramatic. Honestly - it's so important that you get to know someone BEFORE you date them
that you take it slow, that you act like there's more time than you could ever imagine. One day, you are together.
One day, you make love. None of that crap needs expediting - needs a timer or a label.
It's in the heart.
Tonight we talked. I told him I was confused & I said everything but "I have a crush on someone else" only becuase - its just a crush. It WILL never go anywhere, and will end soon, But for now - it's there. It began this chain of thoughts - this trial of me and bryan. I started to think how long it had been since I'd felt like that. I realized it was Nick. I want to be in that again - in that spot where I am fully assured that that man, he's the one for me. Bryan is great and so great to me - but he doesnt own my eye - my heart. For whatever reason it ended up that way. Mostly, I realize that is because I want to be in something NOT so serious right now, not so FOREVER. I want it to be commited, I want it to be 'falling into love' not "love at first sight". We're only young once. It's a beautiful somewhere that i'm not yet - something about myself maybe I never even knew exsisted.
I prayed so HARD for the lord to bring me something serious, something forever - something that could last. HEre it is, and as I feel nieve and almost useless for asking the lord for something I couldnt even handle - i think that he brought it to me for exactly that reason. "fine ryan, here's that relationship you think you want and NEED so bad".
I got it lord - not only am I not ready for that - but it's not even what I want.
I think me and bryan are no more.
^^^ Tuesday(yesterday) was horrid then heavenly.
I went to class (the worst class in the world as I've said a million times) anthro.
IT WAS terrible, worse than normal really.
As I drove away from SSU (very relived class was over) a car full of Rancho Cotati High Schoolers began to harass me. They just said the same old stupid stuff "faggot" "fag" "queer" bla bla bla _ it was just old, stupid, annoying. At first it didnt bother me. THe longer I drove away from it, the more it did. I went straight to my mom's and asked her if we could trade cars back. I have my Jetta back now, that's nice. Mostly, it's nice to be able to avoid homo haters at least on the road. The bug got me more hate crimes than I got in my five years prior of being out and driving.
I then found out my uncle and aunt after 25 years of marriage are getting divorced - tearing apart three of my high school aged cousins homes. My aunt filed a restraining order against my uncle. She's trying to take everything from him. If you are wondering why this is all happening, it's literaly because she's a psycho whore. I've said that since day one.
NOw at least my case is in the point. THe damn psycho whore.
Then I got to work & nix was there waiting for me. I recieved her poorly becuase I was SO upset from the horrible day. I didnt feel like a hug, i was being shut down and miserable. She got upset that I didnt want a hug - and walked away from me, and drove away, and to top it off, ignored my phone calls. She still is. This all hurts my feelings. Dont know what is up with her, but I know she'll come around. She's done this sort of thing before.
THANKFULLY, work was wonderful. It was the best close I've ever had by far - and we all just had a freaking blast. It went from a horrible day to a great day. That night we all went out to TEX and had a drink and dinner. More partners met us - we had a blast. When we left, we realized they had put one of the security cameras on us - and displayed it in the bar area for everyone to watch us - it was totally embaressing, but I bet we were fun to watch - we are crazy.
TODAY was really good - it's wednesday. I worked, had a good day there. I went to lunch after getting my car washed. I went to school. I went to the gym. I came home and had that whole bryan ordeal. Now I'm here - procrastinating bed. Even though I'm up for work in six hours. It's ok - that must of been why I was sleeping so much this weekend. I haven't been sleeping much this week. Now after tomorrow I have a whole three days of nothing to just relax, think about things, go to the MOMA - enjoy all the rain that is coming - and drive my much missed car.
It may not always make sense when you are lost in the ambiguity of life - but when you turn over your will to something else and push forward - retrospect is always a rewarding and comferting thing. Things work out in a grander plan; life is silly. I spent so much of my youth watching people our age in awe, I just wanted to be those people who were living these dynamic - involved - dramatic lives. Now my life is all those things - and so much more. I can tell that I am only starting, that I have SO much to learn. That thought is humbling, because when I was 19 i thought I knew it all. I thought i had this plan - off to college to become a doctor, go to med school - make a zillion dollars - merry someone rich - and die happy. The plan may have changed a little - but I'm back in Santa Rosa and for once I'm thankful to be alive - to have good friends and food - a great home - a pool to lay by when it's sunny - a phone to call lost loves when it's raining - and keyboard to share it with you. I'm falling into memories of things I use to be - because they're shaping what's to come next. I'm ok with what I had before any of this ever happened, when I only wanted more. Now more is something totally different. Goals are funny - becuase they are so flexible and so subjective to our own desires. I wish that I could get my head straight to see my goals that really could last - and Im getting closer to that. Sometiems I further than I'd like to admit. When it comes to the person I am today though, I've never been prouder.
Never.