keep on the sunny side, always on the sunny side
these are just some things i need to say; to myself, to everyone and to no one.
now that im back in this place, this "home" that is so VERY much NOT my home, ive got to get some stuff done. i need to find out, somehow, if i can get all of my personal possessions back, or if not at least know for sure instead of thinking about it. ive got to get back to looking for more work, though work is going pretty well right now. i have to find a counselor, or a psychiatrist i dont know. ive come to learn that i have a disease that brought me to a point where people in my life were too tired of it. i feel bitter about this, its almost a worse feeling than the depression itself.
it hurts that my partner was unwilling to stick it out with me at such a crucial apex, when this disease was infecting me the most. being left behind and abandoned when your greatest fear is being left behind and abandoned can do terrible things to you.
i feel like i feel better, but there is just so much still up in the air. what is going to happen to me, what is going to happen to my life, what is going to happen to all the things i have, but dont have access to. what is going to happen to the relationship i ruined by failing to control my disease? can i fix it? can i at least keep some part of it intact?
the imbalance of power is frustrating. i have the most to lose, i am the most concerned, i am the most affected. but with all that i have no control over it, no say in how it turns out.
i CAN and WILL be successful with work and money, but that isnt an important part of life for me. i understand its purpose and that most people dont feel the same way as i do, so i need to bend towards the norm. i dont need to like it, but i do need to do it nonetheless.
i CAN and WILL be successful learning about my disease(s?), and how to take control of this savage mental state. to control it, to make myself better by knowing what are my triggers. i had control over my anxiety once, i can do it again. i can relearn to be aware and in control of my mental state.
so many questions.
so many things to do.
i gladly accept that if my life has to be this hard then that is just the way it is.
its time to keep pushing.
even as it gets harder.
especially since the future no longer seems completely grim.
just keep pushing.
keep forcing myself to try to be that other person i need. to make myself be the only thing that i need.
now that im back in this place, this "home" that is so VERY much NOT my home, ive got to get some stuff done. i need to find out, somehow, if i can get all of my personal possessions back, or if not at least know for sure instead of thinking about it. ive got to get back to looking for more work, though work is going pretty well right now. i have to find a counselor, or a psychiatrist i dont know. ive come to learn that i have a disease that brought me to a point where people in my life were too tired of it. i feel bitter about this, its almost a worse feeling than the depression itself.
it hurts that my partner was unwilling to stick it out with me at such a crucial apex, when this disease was infecting me the most. being left behind and abandoned when your greatest fear is being left behind and abandoned can do terrible things to you.
i feel like i feel better, but there is just so much still up in the air. what is going to happen to me, what is going to happen to my life, what is going to happen to all the things i have, but dont have access to. what is going to happen to the relationship i ruined by failing to control my disease? can i fix it? can i at least keep some part of it intact?
the imbalance of power is frustrating. i have the most to lose, i am the most concerned, i am the most affected. but with all that i have no control over it, no say in how it turns out.
i CAN and WILL be successful with work and money, but that isnt an important part of life for me. i understand its purpose and that most people dont feel the same way as i do, so i need to bend towards the norm. i dont need to like it, but i do need to do it nonetheless.
i CAN and WILL be successful learning about my disease(s?), and how to take control of this savage mental state. to control it, to make myself better by knowing what are my triggers. i had control over my anxiety once, i can do it again. i can relearn to be aware and in control of my mental state.
so many questions.
so many things to do.
i gladly accept that if my life has to be this hard then that is just the way it is.
its time to keep pushing.
even as it gets harder.
especially since the future no longer seems completely grim.
just keep pushing.
keep forcing myself to try to be that other person i need. to make myself be the only thing that i need.