(no subject)
I've been feeling pretty....let's search for the word....kinda depressed the past week or so. Depressed, pretty over-used, I guess the way I'm feeling is a combination of emotions. I've felt depressed before, and I'm sure this isn't it. Not so much wanting to die this time....just go...go away somewhere.
I know I'm feeling lots of stress. I'm really wanting to quit my job. Bad. I'm tired of feeling like I'm the only one working. And every little thing is setting me off. I'm tired of people using their paid work time on personal phone calls, having visitors, or just sitting back and "relaxing." There's a double standard it seems, and it's annoying. Double standard because in my mind I've already set a standard of a work ethic. And when people don't follow that track, it's frustrating. All this leads up to a feeling of "under-appreciation."
There's never been a true division of my work life/personal life. Both are equally incorporated into each other. Recently though, I've come to realize I need that separation. As it has come to bite me in the ass. They think that all the traveling I'm doing is affecting my physical health negatively. I may agree with them, but even then I'd only agree 2%. Tops. I DO NOT let my personal life get in the way of work. Period. I think I'm the only one at that place that doesn't. I don't care if you have families or not. Make a decision.
Without that strict line of division, I think my stress and under-appreciation from work is seeping into my personal. It's just hurting me. I'm not connecting with people, I didn't answer my phone at all yesterday or today. I didn't/don't want to deal with people. And it was people like my brother, mother, sister-in-law, father, even my roommate calling from 20 feet away. I really feel just unhappy.
And that I'm becoming disconnected.
I have a feeling some of it is coming from the holiday time. And the expectedness people put on certain things. Like gift getting/giving. You know, I'm over it. There are a handful of people I'd even think about giving to, and I'm really not feeling the rest. I don't think that it's something I need to do to show my contentness with our relationship. I mean, it's not about an actual holiday. I'm not celebrating anything.
The way I feel about holiday times is surely evolving, but I can say that gift giving without some kind of though will be taken as and insult. Giftcards, tagged with "Happy holidays", whatever. I'm a self-sufficient person. I don't need your charity. I think I had the best thought earlier tonight when I thought, "finding out what I wanted to get him wasn't too hard at all. All I had to do was realize that I've really been listening."
If I haven't talked to you in months, don't bother. Unless there's some reason for us to think about strengthening what a weak relationship we've got now. It'll just make things easier.
Mom, dad, if you don't get me anything for X-mas, I don't care. You're still my parents. Same thing for any other family member. If anything, this holiday will just be a reason for us to have to share dinner or something.
I'm starting to wonder that, if other people understand what I mean, if they think I sound selfish. I don't think I am. And I do think it's just practical. I guess, the people who'd think I'm selfish would be the people who fall into that catagory of people who expect. The true selfish people.
I, really, do not want anything. There are of course people on my "list." People I'd honestly gift-give to if I didn't feel filled with hate. My roommate, my bestfriend. My cleaning lady. My former office manager. Trevor. People who I feel make a difference...or, the difference they have made in my life affects me on a daily basis. But I think I'm too tired to try. The one person I see myself giving to is the boy I've been so infatuated with, the one I want to build on.
I feel so psycho.
I feel like I'm losing this battle I'm winning. Like my heart is breaking everyday. Like everything I've got is gone.
I know I'm feeling lots of stress. I'm really wanting to quit my job. Bad. I'm tired of feeling like I'm the only one working. And every little thing is setting me off. I'm tired of people using their paid work time on personal phone calls, having visitors, or just sitting back and "relaxing." There's a double standard it seems, and it's annoying. Double standard because in my mind I've already set a standard of a work ethic. And when people don't follow that track, it's frustrating. All this leads up to a feeling of "under-appreciation."
There's never been a true division of my work life/personal life. Both are equally incorporated into each other. Recently though, I've come to realize I need that separation. As it has come to bite me in the ass. They think that all the traveling I'm doing is affecting my physical health negatively. I may agree with them, but even then I'd only agree 2%. Tops. I DO NOT let my personal life get in the way of work. Period. I think I'm the only one at that place that doesn't. I don't care if you have families or not. Make a decision.
Without that strict line of division, I think my stress and under-appreciation from work is seeping into my personal. It's just hurting me. I'm not connecting with people, I didn't answer my phone at all yesterday or today. I didn't/don't want to deal with people. And it was people like my brother, mother, sister-in-law, father, even my roommate calling from 20 feet away. I really feel just unhappy.
And that I'm becoming disconnected.
I have a feeling some of it is coming from the holiday time. And the expectedness people put on certain things. Like gift getting/giving. You know, I'm over it. There are a handful of people I'd even think about giving to, and I'm really not feeling the rest. I don't think that it's something I need to do to show my contentness with our relationship. I mean, it's not about an actual holiday. I'm not celebrating anything.
The way I feel about holiday times is surely evolving, but I can say that gift giving without some kind of though will be taken as and insult. Giftcards, tagged with "Happy holidays", whatever. I'm a self-sufficient person. I don't need your charity. I think I had the best thought earlier tonight when I thought, "finding out what I wanted to get him wasn't too hard at all. All I had to do was realize that I've really been listening."
If I haven't talked to you in months, don't bother. Unless there's some reason for us to think about strengthening what a weak relationship we've got now. It'll just make things easier.
Mom, dad, if you don't get me anything for X-mas, I don't care. You're still my parents. Same thing for any other family member. If anything, this holiday will just be a reason for us to have to share dinner or something.
I'm starting to wonder that, if other people understand what I mean, if they think I sound selfish. I don't think I am. And I do think it's just practical. I guess, the people who'd think I'm selfish would be the people who fall into that catagory of people who expect. The true selfish people.
I, really, do not want anything. There are of course people on my "list." People I'd honestly gift-give to if I didn't feel filled with hate. My roommate, my bestfriend. My cleaning lady. My former office manager. Trevor. People who I feel make a difference...or, the difference they have made in my life affects me on a daily basis. But I think I'm too tired to try. The one person I see myself giving to is the boy I've been so infatuated with, the one I want to build on.
I feel so psycho.
I feel like I'm losing this battle I'm winning. Like my heart is breaking everyday. Like everything I've got is gone.