Today
Today just shows how my life just seems like shit just from a few instances:
I started my Friday off at 3:30 am. I had a dream with Allison in it and i woke up just so happy. The first thing i could do is write to her. So at 3:30 am i wrote a note... i dunno how it sounded cus i wrote it and folded it not knowin really if the grammar was right, who thinks of that this early in the morning? Anyways, in my dream we were in some kinda basement and it was in Maryland and we were trying to find a way out, but we decided it wasn't worth it because even in that shit hole, it was like heaven because we were in there together. So of course my happy ass has to write her a note. Nearing the end of the note i realized that it would be the last time i could ever give her a note at school. SOOO i went to school to give it to her as i dropped my papers off to Mr. Chamberlain.
Once i got to school i was so excited to see her, i ran past her room looking in, only to glance at her for a moment, but it was enough to hold me for the next couple minutes. I turned in my stuff and went to the door, i spent a lot of time flagging her down and she never really saw me until finally she did. I told her i love her and that i was putting it in my locker for her to read. And i told her to call me when she got home.
She called me and told me that she had to stay at school to help clean up. And of course i was bummed. Then again to tell me she was on her way home! YESS!!! All i could think of was seeing her. But i forgot that her parents have people REALLY watching the house now. So i couldnt go see her. She gets home and calls me and it was different. I told her i love her with so much enthusiasm and i get one with just no energy. So my first reaction was o no... somethin is wrong. She said nothing was wrong, i guess she was just tired. I honestly dont know. It happens sometimes. So i let it slide and just keep goin on with the conversation. So i brought up seeing her, and her response was: "I dunno how that's gonna happen you can't come over"... i didnt say anything about coming over. So i said, "Well i dont have to see you today, how about tonight?" She responds saying, "Ryan i CAN'T see you, i'm grounded remember?" (The other day she told me that she was going to start telling her mom she was with nat, and really be with me) So i said, "well can't you say ur with someone else?" she says... "I'M NOT GOING TO LIE TO MY MOM!"... hmm... So at this point i gave up and said "ok well, i'll let u go, call me back when ur not... (allison cuts me off saying:...) "BEING A BITCH I KNOW!!!". Then hangs up.
OBVIOUSLY (i like that word) she couldnt talk to me w/o gettin mad, i dunno why, but i needed to give her the space she needed. So i called back when i was leaving sayin, "ok i'm goin to outback to try n get my job back, give me a call I LOVE YOU!" and i went there. So my point of view was, well allison was in a bad mood earlier, she probably just doesn't wanna talk to you. So i go on with my day, but in the back of my mind, hey... i miss allison!!!! so i call her up, 2 rings and i get an answer machine. i called 3 more times and got the answer machine over and over. So o well i guess i couldnt talk to her. I thought she was sleeping so i drove by to see if her light was on and steven was outside. I stopped to say hi, and he said she was out with Natalie. So i just gave up then and there and went back to kyle's house. Then as i was getting out of my car, trey calls. He said he was with 2 fine chicks and wanted to know if i wanted to join him. i said no... cus i know allison wouldnt approve. (AND NO I WOULDNT WANT TO EVEN IF SHE DID APPROVE) sorta the same way with parties and her. she knows i dont want her going so she doesn't go. only she would go if it wasn't for me.
I get a call next from Natalie's phone, i was like... this has GOT to be allison. so i answered and it was!!! SOOOO i get all excited again, like a little fuckin dog when u get home after a long day of work.. anyways, she says she's out w/natalie (i already knew that) and she's at a movie. Cool! better than gettin drunk and not knowing what ur doing when other drunk guys try making out with you when ur the only other girl at the party. but who know's anything about that? So i was like.. who are yall with, John? (cus earlier she said she was goin to a movie with natalie and john, so i asumed maybe she was) and she said no she's with trey. hahaha... now i know who the 2 fine chicks were. my sweet brother took my girlfriend out on a date for me. how... fucking gay. I suck it up and call him back asking, "Why didnt you tell me that one of them was allison? he said, "Allison told me not to tell you because she wanted to do something with you and you never called her." HAHAHHAHAHAHAA.
my mistake.
I have to stop here because wow, before it was... she was gonna call ME back, but never did, and i called a shit load and always got the answer machine. i'm sorry i was goin to get my job back... no need getting into that.
So i dont think anything by it, and go to the theatre. I get there and Allison is actin... jumpy. I mean i dont blame her, she has my brother and a girl that hates me for calling her a bitch, when i was certainly entitled to my opinion, with her in the theatre. (see that incoherantly calls her one again, i just dont see it that way, but the way the female mind works, i think i get nothing but a negative outcome by making that comment) So she sees me and she's all, skeptical? is that the word. i dunno its the mannor she was talking in. Like i was excited to see her, she was like... i dunno, NOT. or at least she didnt show it. She starts tryin to go back to the movie cus she wants to be courteous to trey, rather than be with me outside, just to say a few words i dunno, at least like the basic ones, i love you, i miss you, i want to see you. But it was more like... i'm seeing you because ur here... and Natalie doesn't want you in there. I call trey up and allison runs back to the theatre. he gives her money to let me in, and natalie goes nuts. haha. such maturity really. so i, trying not to have some big ordeal breakout, decide it's not worth it, allison really never gets to be with her, so i let them have their time with my brother as i pathetically leave and go back to kyle's house, with nothing to do.
i get there and i call natalie's phone, and nat picks up. and i tried makin up with her. what happens? i dunno. i really dont. it's like everything i said was somehow channeled by natalie towards allison. I dunno omg i can't even go into it, it's so complicated. my head will explode. i call allison next and she's like gettin on to me cus she thinks i'm talkin bad about her to natalie and bad about natalie to her. lol... yeah i dont get it either. anyways to the final part of my story thank God...
Allison calls back and says, "ok all i wanna say is Goodnight." and i try to say something n she goes, "no just dont talk." lol... from now on i'm just gonna not talk cus no matter what i say it's all bullshit to her anyways so i'm better off not trying. but i didnt realize that then. i try askin her about the whole trey phone call thing and her tellin him to not tell me that they were the 2 girls he was with. and she jus snaps on me. and i was like, sweetie i just wanna clear this up, and she's like zoning out and talkin to natalie and then fuckin bites my head off sayin i'm yellin at her, and everything and to hurry up. so i was like, nevermind it's not that important i love you... and before i know it, CLICK! So by my ALMOST giving up on the conversation caused her to hang up on me.
She calls back and says, "dont call me tomorrow" (click).... sigh... i dunno what to do. I dunno if this is a sign that i'm just a sucky boyfriend, and i'm not what she needs. Am i just destined to fail at everything i think i excell in. I used to think i could be the best boyfriend to her. I love her more than anything. That's all i thought i'd need. NOOOPE... i need to know when to shut up, when to talk, how often to call her, how often to not call her... just so much. I think if i just play the passive boyfriend, let her call the shots, let her call me, and let her say when she wants to see me, i think it'll work out better, cus the way i see it, if i had my way, i'd be with her 24/7... i'd live with her, just eat drink and breathe allison for the rest of mylife. she knows i love her more than anything. she knows that i ALWAYS wanna be with her. so whenever she wants to do something she can call me and tell me.
I'm just sick of being the bad guy. i'm finally out of high school. I dont want all this high school drama. all i want is my high school girlfriend and that's it. but God doesn't feel i deserve it so he throws obstacles in my way, like her mom, grandpa, DAD, natalie, school, basketball, my job... soon enough, her job... and all i ever do is try to hurdle them all and see allison every chance i get. now if you can honestly read this and say that i'm a bad boyfriend, or i have the wrong intentions, please by all means comment. i just dont understand why things get so bad between allie and me. all i want is to be happy with her. I'll admit i carry fights on with her, but i dont start them. so i realize my place and i'll change it. ok later
-ryan
ps... allison, you know i love you more than anything. i dunno how ur taking this entry, i just wish everything could be like it is when it's just you and me. it's like when i have you in my arms, i'm in another world, where no one can touch us, no one can get to us. I am in a place where i'm happiest, safest, and i dont ever want to leave it. i have lived only 18 years, but that's still enough to understand a part of this world. i know that nothing can ever be as perfect as the one i'm in when i'm with you. Which is probably why i want you for myself. Allison, you just do something to me sweetie. You've captured my heart from everything. My heart used to just belong to myself, i loved just loading up on money and gettin drunk and crazy, but since we have started dating last year, you made me into the man that i am becoming. I feel more responsible, focused, and affectionate. I used to not feel so much for things, but now i do. Jerry McGuire said it best, You complete me. You're all that i'm not. Which is why i love you so much i think. I dont know it's just something i feel, and always have felt. You mean the world to me. You are my everything, You are my one and only. I dont ever want to lose you, just please dotn ever take me for granted. That's all i want from you... just your love. Just your attention, affection and all that you feel for me. You're all i'm living for now. Please, if you're reading this... call me right now PLEASE. there's not a moment in the world when i dont want to talk to you. Even when u hang up on me, what do i do? lol i call back. Tomorrow you said dont call you, but how can i not. That's like saying dont breathe tomorrow. You're my air sweetheart. Too much of me sufficated you once, well too little of you sufficates me. I want to be with you for all eternity. I dont care who knows it. I just love you, and yes i trust you, i have every bit of trust i can have in a person. I let you drive my car lol... i know that's a bad example, but i dont let anyone drive my car. lol i ate a pepper for you! it was nasty... but i swallowed it because you tested my love. i love you allison. and i want to spend my whole life with you. that includes tomorrow, and sunday, and monday, and tuesday... etc. until we dont have any of them left. i'm yours allison. always and forever.
-ryan
pss. natalie: ugh... i'm sorry okay? i'm sorry that you hate me. i really dont care what you think about me, but to be honest as long as i'm dating allison and ur best friends with her, we're corresponding angles of a transversal lol, and whether we like it or not we're stuck with one another. u can talk all the shit you want about me, go for it. where's that gonna get you? i would like it if there wasn't so much static between us. but if u choose to stay immature then there's nothing i can do about it. you let me know what's up, i at least made an effort by callin ur ass. next move is up to u. goodbye
I started my Friday off at 3:30 am. I had a dream with Allison in it and i woke up just so happy. The first thing i could do is write to her. So at 3:30 am i wrote a note... i dunno how it sounded cus i wrote it and folded it not knowin really if the grammar was right, who thinks of that this early in the morning? Anyways, in my dream we were in some kinda basement and it was in Maryland and we were trying to find a way out, but we decided it wasn't worth it because even in that shit hole, it was like heaven because we were in there together. So of course my happy ass has to write her a note. Nearing the end of the note i realized that it would be the last time i could ever give her a note at school. SOOO i went to school to give it to her as i dropped my papers off to Mr. Chamberlain.
Once i got to school i was so excited to see her, i ran past her room looking in, only to glance at her for a moment, but it was enough to hold me for the next couple minutes. I turned in my stuff and went to the door, i spent a lot of time flagging her down and she never really saw me until finally she did. I told her i love her and that i was putting it in my locker for her to read. And i told her to call me when she got home.
She called me and told me that she had to stay at school to help clean up. And of course i was bummed. Then again to tell me she was on her way home! YESS!!! All i could think of was seeing her. But i forgot that her parents have people REALLY watching the house now. So i couldnt go see her. She gets home and calls me and it was different. I told her i love her with so much enthusiasm and i get one with just no energy. So my first reaction was o no... somethin is wrong. She said nothing was wrong, i guess she was just tired. I honestly dont know. It happens sometimes. So i let it slide and just keep goin on with the conversation. So i brought up seeing her, and her response was: "I dunno how that's gonna happen you can't come over"... i didnt say anything about coming over. So i said, "Well i dont have to see you today, how about tonight?" She responds saying, "Ryan i CAN'T see you, i'm grounded remember?" (The other day she told me that she was going to start telling her mom she was with nat, and really be with me) So i said, "well can't you say ur with someone else?" she says... "I'M NOT GOING TO LIE TO MY MOM!"... hmm... So at this point i gave up and said "ok well, i'll let u go, call me back when ur not... (allison cuts me off saying:...) "BEING A BITCH I KNOW!!!". Then hangs up.
OBVIOUSLY (i like that word) she couldnt talk to me w/o gettin mad, i dunno why, but i needed to give her the space she needed. So i called back when i was leaving sayin, "ok i'm goin to outback to try n get my job back, give me a call I LOVE YOU!" and i went there. So my point of view was, well allison was in a bad mood earlier, she probably just doesn't wanna talk to you. So i go on with my day, but in the back of my mind, hey... i miss allison!!!! so i call her up, 2 rings and i get an answer machine. i called 3 more times and got the answer machine over and over. So o well i guess i couldnt talk to her. I thought she was sleeping so i drove by to see if her light was on and steven was outside. I stopped to say hi, and he said she was out with Natalie. So i just gave up then and there and went back to kyle's house. Then as i was getting out of my car, trey calls. He said he was with 2 fine chicks and wanted to know if i wanted to join him. i said no... cus i know allison wouldnt approve. (AND NO I WOULDNT WANT TO EVEN IF SHE DID APPROVE) sorta the same way with parties and her. she knows i dont want her going so she doesn't go. only she would go if it wasn't for me.
I get a call next from Natalie's phone, i was like... this has GOT to be allison. so i answered and it was!!! SOOOO i get all excited again, like a little fuckin dog when u get home after a long day of work.. anyways, she says she's out w/natalie (i already knew that) and she's at a movie. Cool! better than gettin drunk and not knowing what ur doing when other drunk guys try making out with you when ur the only other girl at the party. but who know's anything about that? So i was like.. who are yall with, John? (cus earlier she said she was goin to a movie with natalie and john, so i asumed maybe she was) and she said no she's with trey. hahaha... now i know who the 2 fine chicks were. my sweet brother took my girlfriend out on a date for me. how... fucking gay. I suck it up and call him back asking, "Why didnt you tell me that one of them was allison? he said, "Allison told me not to tell you because she wanted to do something with you and you never called her." HAHAHHAHAHAHAA.
my mistake.
I have to stop here because wow, before it was... she was gonna call ME back, but never did, and i called a shit load and always got the answer machine. i'm sorry i was goin to get my job back... no need getting into that.
So i dont think anything by it, and go to the theatre. I get there and Allison is actin... jumpy. I mean i dont blame her, she has my brother and a girl that hates me for calling her a bitch, when i was certainly entitled to my opinion, with her in the theatre. (see that incoherantly calls her one again, i just dont see it that way, but the way the female mind works, i think i get nothing but a negative outcome by making that comment) So she sees me and she's all, skeptical? is that the word. i dunno its the mannor she was talking in. Like i was excited to see her, she was like... i dunno, NOT. or at least she didnt show it. She starts tryin to go back to the movie cus she wants to be courteous to trey, rather than be with me outside, just to say a few words i dunno, at least like the basic ones, i love you, i miss you, i want to see you. But it was more like... i'm seeing you because ur here... and Natalie doesn't want you in there. I call trey up and allison runs back to the theatre. he gives her money to let me in, and natalie goes nuts. haha. such maturity really. so i, trying not to have some big ordeal breakout, decide it's not worth it, allison really never gets to be with her, so i let them have their time with my brother as i pathetically leave and go back to kyle's house, with nothing to do.
i get there and i call natalie's phone, and nat picks up. and i tried makin up with her. what happens? i dunno. i really dont. it's like everything i said was somehow channeled by natalie towards allison. I dunno omg i can't even go into it, it's so complicated. my head will explode. i call allison next and she's like gettin on to me cus she thinks i'm talkin bad about her to natalie and bad about natalie to her. lol... yeah i dont get it either. anyways to the final part of my story thank God...
Allison calls back and says, "ok all i wanna say is Goodnight." and i try to say something n she goes, "no just dont talk." lol... from now on i'm just gonna not talk cus no matter what i say it's all bullshit to her anyways so i'm better off not trying. but i didnt realize that then. i try askin her about the whole trey phone call thing and her tellin him to not tell me that they were the 2 girls he was with. and she jus snaps on me. and i was like, sweetie i just wanna clear this up, and she's like zoning out and talkin to natalie and then fuckin bites my head off sayin i'm yellin at her, and everything and to hurry up. so i was like, nevermind it's not that important i love you... and before i know it, CLICK! So by my ALMOST giving up on the conversation caused her to hang up on me.
She calls back and says, "dont call me tomorrow" (click).... sigh... i dunno what to do. I dunno if this is a sign that i'm just a sucky boyfriend, and i'm not what she needs. Am i just destined to fail at everything i think i excell in. I used to think i could be the best boyfriend to her. I love her more than anything. That's all i thought i'd need. NOOOPE... i need to know when to shut up, when to talk, how often to call her, how often to not call her... just so much. I think if i just play the passive boyfriend, let her call the shots, let her call me, and let her say when she wants to see me, i think it'll work out better, cus the way i see it, if i had my way, i'd be with her 24/7... i'd live with her, just eat drink and breathe allison for the rest of mylife. she knows i love her more than anything. she knows that i ALWAYS wanna be with her. so whenever she wants to do something she can call me and tell me.
I'm just sick of being the bad guy. i'm finally out of high school. I dont want all this high school drama. all i want is my high school girlfriend and that's it. but God doesn't feel i deserve it so he throws obstacles in my way, like her mom, grandpa, DAD, natalie, school, basketball, my job... soon enough, her job... and all i ever do is try to hurdle them all and see allison every chance i get. now if you can honestly read this and say that i'm a bad boyfriend, or i have the wrong intentions, please by all means comment. i just dont understand why things get so bad between allie and me. all i want is to be happy with her. I'll admit i carry fights on with her, but i dont start them. so i realize my place and i'll change it. ok later
-ryan
ps... allison, you know i love you more than anything. i dunno how ur taking this entry, i just wish everything could be like it is when it's just you and me. it's like when i have you in my arms, i'm in another world, where no one can touch us, no one can get to us. I am in a place where i'm happiest, safest, and i dont ever want to leave it. i have lived only 18 years, but that's still enough to understand a part of this world. i know that nothing can ever be as perfect as the one i'm in when i'm with you. Which is probably why i want you for myself. Allison, you just do something to me sweetie. You've captured my heart from everything. My heart used to just belong to myself, i loved just loading up on money and gettin drunk and crazy, but since we have started dating last year, you made me into the man that i am becoming. I feel more responsible, focused, and affectionate. I used to not feel so much for things, but now i do. Jerry McGuire said it best, You complete me. You're all that i'm not. Which is why i love you so much i think. I dont know it's just something i feel, and always have felt. You mean the world to me. You are my everything, You are my one and only. I dont ever want to lose you, just please dotn ever take me for granted. That's all i want from you... just your love. Just your attention, affection and all that you feel for me. You're all i'm living for now. Please, if you're reading this... call me right now PLEASE. there's not a moment in the world when i dont want to talk to you. Even when u hang up on me, what do i do? lol i call back. Tomorrow you said dont call you, but how can i not. That's like saying dont breathe tomorrow. You're my air sweetheart. Too much of me sufficated you once, well too little of you sufficates me. I want to be with you for all eternity. I dont care who knows it. I just love you, and yes i trust you, i have every bit of trust i can have in a person. I let you drive my car lol... i know that's a bad example, but i dont let anyone drive my car. lol i ate a pepper for you! it was nasty... but i swallowed it because you tested my love. i love you allison. and i want to spend my whole life with you. that includes tomorrow, and sunday, and monday, and tuesday... etc. until we dont have any of them left. i'm yours allison. always and forever.
-ryan
pss. natalie: ugh... i'm sorry okay? i'm sorry that you hate me. i really dont care what you think about me, but to be honest as long as i'm dating allison and ur best friends with her, we're corresponding angles of a transversal lol, and whether we like it or not we're stuck with one another. u can talk all the shit you want about me, go for it. where's that gonna get you? i would like it if there wasn't so much static between us. but if u choose to stay immature then there's nothing i can do about it. you let me know what's up, i at least made an effort by callin ur ass. next move is up to u. goodbye