If you could make everyone poor, just so you could be rich, would you do it?
Sometimes i feel that when i write my journals i wonder if im possibly letting the readers to far into my thoughts. But then i think, well most of the time, my thoughts are in question form, like whats that about, why is that needed? etc. so why not let you guys into my thoughts, because if their in question form and im asking them of course i cant answer them.
So, my first order of business is to point out how blantly rude i was to my own grandmother with out realizing i did it. On Easter, we had a family dinner at Johnny's northstar, unfortunately, we seem to do this for a lot of holidays, and of course my cousins and what not are there, and frankly i would much rather spend the day with my mom and sister and grandma, my dad and brother can be there too, im not picky, but the first 3 i never see, so thats all i want. But anyway on with the story, i know im getting off subject, dont worry were getting there. Now, we walk in and the bar is right there, so of course while your waiting you stand at the bar, and my grandma was sitting and she saw us come in and my sister hugs her, my mom says hello to everyone, and then there is me, i just woke up, and i hate family gatherings, because my family is the type of people that enjoy games and getting up infront of eachother and performing things so the rest of us can guess what were doing, i cant remember the name of that game, but moving the fuck on, my grandma sees me and says "oh ryan" in a grandmother sort of way, the sweet old lady thing, and she holds out her hand, and i kind of glance at it, but were in mid conversation, and im looking right at her, not at the hand, so im thinking, is she doing that as a gesture of like "hey there you are" or is she implying that i should hold her hand and because people are in our way, i cant hug her, i have to do this next best thing in sharing love? so i kind of just play it off like i didnt notice it. Well heres my problem, had i grabbed it the day would have moved on and nothing would have happend, but saddly i have the idea that my grandma knows whats up, and thinks i ignored her loving gesture, and im a terrible grandson for it. well why is it that simple things, for the conversation, we'll use the handshake, a sign of respect or acknowlegement or in my case some sort of grandmotherly love signal, when performed are never thought twice about, but when ignored, are made into some type of put down, or insult? 2 arguments arise from this, 1 being i had a bad cold at the time, so had i shook her hand i could have possibly killed her, and 2, its my grandma, im sure 5 minutes went by and she forgot my name.
Well, i went golfing today, and scratched 10 strokes off my game, which isnt saying much because it still not where i want it, another 10 and ill be happy, so what im saying here is fellas, a weekly occurance of golf will not be said no to by me. Also, when we were on the ninth hole today, and i was putting for par, i missed, and without letting you guys know, though on other holes i think i made a good deal of raving, i was extremely pissed. So then i got to thinking, do i take golf the way Ben takes poker? Now i dont knwo the statistics, and i dont know what club to use on every shot, i mean im the jackass that sold his pitching wedge for 30 bucks and a pack of cigarettes, so of course im not to hardcore about it, but a game of leisure and what retired old men do for fun, i get extremely violent in my head with. I dont think thats healthy. Also, i grip the clubs to tight, and rip the shit out of my palms, but oddly it makes me feel manly when im at home, tending to my torn up skin.
Now, i have another topic to discuss, which is music. Sometimes i hear a song and become completely obsessed with it, such as when dance dance came out, now not this song, but a lot of others ill love and then listen to over and fucking over, and then i just hate hearing it, but i dont mind that, because for a good 2 weeks i have a chosen musical selection and now i got nothing, im trying to make myself love the new flaming lips cd, but its just not doing it for me. I saw the video last night for "the yeah yeah yeah song" and i do really like that but the rest of the cd isnt quite cutting it.
And one more thing, what in the name of god am i doing with my life? when i see that people such as the flaming lips can take crazy sounds, put them together to make a song, let alone an entire cd, and then make a good living off of it, makes me wonder why i couldnt be the jackass who invented the fucking pet rock. I will think of something, and i will make a solid happy life for myself and hopefully a family, but saddly at this paticular part of life, i cant even see a glimmer of hope, unless i get the balls to do something ballzy.
What i need is a boost in confidence, and or a kick in the ass.
I'm out.
So, my first order of business is to point out how blantly rude i was to my own grandmother with out realizing i did it. On Easter, we had a family dinner at Johnny's northstar, unfortunately, we seem to do this for a lot of holidays, and of course my cousins and what not are there, and frankly i would much rather spend the day with my mom and sister and grandma, my dad and brother can be there too, im not picky, but the first 3 i never see, so thats all i want. But anyway on with the story, i know im getting off subject, dont worry were getting there. Now, we walk in and the bar is right there, so of course while your waiting you stand at the bar, and my grandma was sitting and she saw us come in and my sister hugs her, my mom says hello to everyone, and then there is me, i just woke up, and i hate family gatherings, because my family is the type of people that enjoy games and getting up infront of eachother and performing things so the rest of us can guess what were doing, i cant remember the name of that game, but moving the fuck on, my grandma sees me and says "oh ryan" in a grandmother sort of way, the sweet old lady thing, and she holds out her hand, and i kind of glance at it, but were in mid conversation, and im looking right at her, not at the hand, so im thinking, is she doing that as a gesture of like "hey there you are" or is she implying that i should hold her hand and because people are in our way, i cant hug her, i have to do this next best thing in sharing love? so i kind of just play it off like i didnt notice it. Well heres my problem, had i grabbed it the day would have moved on and nothing would have happend, but saddly i have the idea that my grandma knows whats up, and thinks i ignored her loving gesture, and im a terrible grandson for it. well why is it that simple things, for the conversation, we'll use the handshake, a sign of respect or acknowlegement or in my case some sort of grandmotherly love signal, when performed are never thought twice about, but when ignored, are made into some type of put down, or insult? 2 arguments arise from this, 1 being i had a bad cold at the time, so had i shook her hand i could have possibly killed her, and 2, its my grandma, im sure 5 minutes went by and she forgot my name.
Well, i went golfing today, and scratched 10 strokes off my game, which isnt saying much because it still not where i want it, another 10 and ill be happy, so what im saying here is fellas, a weekly occurance of golf will not be said no to by me. Also, when we were on the ninth hole today, and i was putting for par, i missed, and without letting you guys know, though on other holes i think i made a good deal of raving, i was extremely pissed. So then i got to thinking, do i take golf the way Ben takes poker? Now i dont knwo the statistics, and i dont know what club to use on every shot, i mean im the jackass that sold his pitching wedge for 30 bucks and a pack of cigarettes, so of course im not to hardcore about it, but a game of leisure and what retired old men do for fun, i get extremely violent in my head with. I dont think thats healthy. Also, i grip the clubs to tight, and rip the shit out of my palms, but oddly it makes me feel manly when im at home, tending to my torn up skin.
Now, i have another topic to discuss, which is music. Sometimes i hear a song and become completely obsessed with it, such as when dance dance came out, now not this song, but a lot of others ill love and then listen to over and fucking over, and then i just hate hearing it, but i dont mind that, because for a good 2 weeks i have a chosen musical selection and now i got nothing, im trying to make myself love the new flaming lips cd, but its just not doing it for me. I saw the video last night for "the yeah yeah yeah song" and i do really like that but the rest of the cd isnt quite cutting it.
And one more thing, what in the name of god am i doing with my life? when i see that people such as the flaming lips can take crazy sounds, put them together to make a song, let alone an entire cd, and then make a good living off of it, makes me wonder why i couldnt be the jackass who invented the fucking pet rock. I will think of something, and i will make a solid happy life for myself and hopefully a family, but saddly at this paticular part of life, i cant even see a glimmer of hope, unless i get the balls to do something ballzy.
What i need is a boost in confidence, and or a kick in the ass.
I'm out.