[translation] i fall down, i get back up.
my mother is incapable of realizing her incompetence.
according to dr. morse (d.d.s.), i am in need of two root canals, one tooth pulling, having four wisdom teeth removed, and several fillings.
i compelled her to get me there through the threat of exposing her fraudulence. however, she has clearly forgotten this, based on the complete apathy she conveys shamelessly.
i won't forget this.
she had the nerve to tell me, of all people, about responsibility. at which point i blew up in her face and laid all her shit bare. all she wanted was to get me back in this shithole- and she was successful. only now do i realize what a mistake i have made.
but i blame myself for believing her.
she's a lying cunt. one who conveys empathy at moments of least significance. but when it comes down to it, she makes up excuses. among the many reasons i came back was that micah couldn't do shit for me where i was, as my jealous mother coudln't swallow her pride and accept the fact that she is unfit as a parent. and she always has been.
a failure.
how could i martyr myself for values covered in her dirt? why did i feel bad?
my brother and i are persisently troubled by our dental problems. i came back because i had assumed that things had changed. i'm right back where i started, doing things i wish i wasn't doing, and feeling the same regardless wherever i go.
today i emphasized this:
i told her that i couldn't believe that i believed her. that she lied through her fucking teeth (which didn't surprise me). that she has the nerve to vicariously make plans through me. and above all: that she doesn't give a fuck about how i feel.
and she told me she didn't. i'd been dying to hear it.
she claimed that i had the audacity to talk to people like i do, and that i never tell her what i'm doing, she hates that i come home at 2 on school nights, and that she doesn't know what's going on with me. i've been around the block a few times (thanks to her) but i know damn weel i can take care of myself when it comes down to it.
all i needed to say was that i don't give two shits about what she thinks. especially now that it's clear that she doesn't either, so why should i?
her efforts to make me look bad are futile, as i know the truth, and people have seen it.
unfortunately, between the two of us, i am the one who is aware of her priorities. and mine.
at this point, her role in my life involves getting me cigarrettes.
i'm not sure about how to feel about my family. micah is pissed about money, maeghan is pissed that i left. and everyone else i don't care to know. i'm all that i've got left, i suppose.
i have to call dr. morse and see if he can work out somehting with me. i guess i'll be paying for it.