A few hours before Ben
A second child of mine will be out in the world in 9 hours if all goes to plan.
I am calm. Waiting.
What kind of child will we get? How will William adapt to the lessened focus? How will I?
Star sleeps now...I hope...she will need it. This process has been a tremendous strain on her. The next three months will hopefully be easier than the last. Probably a silly thought. But we have done this before, we have new plans. So much of my thinking is modeled off William it will be interesting to see how I adapt my expectations to a new baby. I view it so abstractly, and see blank spots when I try and concertize my visions. Sometimes I see memories of William.
My plan is to take one full week off of work and then work half time for 12 weeks. I am worried that I wont really work half time, and that my attention at home will be focused to much on what is not done at work. There are many tasks I am happy to pawn off on other people (installing software that lacks an install script...ug) and others I don't like to let other people do because I know I will just have to re-do them. I am also worried that my attention at work will be distracted by the happenings of home, and a new level of tiredness.
As if a Lokian conservation law was in effect Desiree who has been a fixture in my/our daily life will be leaving San Diego for a new start in the bay area the day after Ben is born. I have spent enough time being sad about it that I am undisturbed in the moment, which surprises me.
This last year was the most emotional of my adult life. Both in my experience of myself, but also that I was more let into the emotional life of the other people in my life. The latter was a driving force for the former. Part of this was a shift in the gender composition of the people I spend time with, from almost all male or couples, to almost all female (and the most emotionally disclosing male I have met). Its strange to me, I spent so much of my past concerned with the broader ideas and systems. I feel at ease talking about epistemology or ink jet technology, but often feel inwardly awkward around emotional content. I am deeply interested in it though, its a space where mental models can be tested with very high amplitude feedback...particularly when I am slow and get things wrong. Which I seemed to be with great regularity this last year... that thought does make me sad.
This exploration will need to diminish to the background for now.
The needs of my family will be more stark in the coming months
I hope I get some sleep tonight~
I am calm. Waiting.
What kind of child will we get? How will William adapt to the lessened focus? How will I?
Star sleeps now...I hope...she will need it. This process has been a tremendous strain on her. The next three months will hopefully be easier than the last. Probably a silly thought. But we have done this before, we have new plans. So much of my thinking is modeled off William it will be interesting to see how I adapt my expectations to a new baby. I view it so abstractly, and see blank spots when I try and concertize my visions. Sometimes I see memories of William.
My plan is to take one full week off of work and then work half time for 12 weeks. I am worried that I wont really work half time, and that my attention at home will be focused to much on what is not done at work. There are many tasks I am happy to pawn off on other people (installing software that lacks an install script...ug) and others I don't like to let other people do because I know I will just have to re-do them. I am also worried that my attention at work will be distracted by the happenings of home, and a new level of tiredness.
As if a Lokian conservation law was in effect Desiree who has been a fixture in my/our daily life will be leaving San Diego for a new start in the bay area the day after Ben is born. I have spent enough time being sad about it that I am undisturbed in the moment, which surprises me.
This last year was the most emotional of my adult life. Both in my experience of myself, but also that I was more let into the emotional life of the other people in my life. The latter was a driving force for the former. Part of this was a shift in the gender composition of the people I spend time with, from almost all male or couples, to almost all female (and the most emotionally disclosing male I have met). Its strange to me, I spent so much of my past concerned with the broader ideas and systems. I feel at ease talking about epistemology or ink jet technology, but often feel inwardly awkward around emotional content. I am deeply interested in it though, its a space where mental models can be tested with very high amplitude feedback...particularly when I am slow and get things wrong. Which I seemed to be with great regularity this last year... that thought does make me sad.
This exploration will need to diminish to the background for now.
The needs of my family will be more stark in the coming months
I hope I get some sleep tonight~