Guess thats the way it goes....
Soo i just got off the phone with Stephanie...and we were talkin about old times,and it made me think....how the fuck have i put up with everything that I have??
I have dealt with endless,endless girls...and if 1 goes away,a new one comes. Idk why. Maybe its his obsession? I mean we all like attention...but maybe he is obsessed with the attention he gets from girls after he tells them how sexy they are. Maybe i dont give him enough attention,well if thats the case...then i never gave him enough attention bc we never have had a time without problems.
I can blame staying around with him the first time,bc i was young and naieve(sp?) and i was absolutely in love with him. Then I found out that he was endlessly cheating on me,and he went to jail. Why did i write him a letter?? Why didn't I just move on? I was slowly starting to...I was talkin to Ryun,I was hangin out with friends...I was occupied...but I just had to fuckin write him. Idk why I did it,Idk if I was hoping that he would crawl back to me or if I just wanted to tell him how I felt about what had happend. He had Jessi,he supposidely "loved" Jessi. I shoulda backed off. I shoulda just let him be a past memory. But noooo I wrote him,and he called me and I accepted the call. And he poured his heart out to me,or so I thought. He told me he shoulda stayed with me,that he loves me,that i was his world and that he would never ever be so stupid again and hurt me. Annnd of course I fell for it. I was ecstatic...I was like finally he's gonna change,jail has scared him straight. WRONG.
He got out,we had a few of the best months of my life...he was absolutely amazing. There were signs that he hadn't changed, but I ignored them. Then shit started up again...and we got past it. Then I got pregnant,and we got married....and now look.
He has managed to hurt me every single way possible. He has never once stopped talking to girls. Idk why I stay,idk why i cant leave. I wish I was more independent. But how can I raise Sean by myself? How can I leave knowing I will probably never find anyone else. If i did,I'm pretty damn sure they would treat me better,but thats not hard. But I have no money, I have nowhere to go. I'm stuck with someone who gets pleasure in hurting me. Someone who thinks its funny to hit on every girl in America,talk to them like potential girlfriends and laugh when I find out bc he thinks its amusing. WHY do I subject myself to that?? Why can't I leave? Last nite I was thinkin,I'll just pack mine and Sean's shit up,take the car and go. But go where? I know Devin wouldn't miss us. He tells me all the time he'd be fine if I left. Even though he just told me the other day that when he seriously thinks im about to leave he straightens up bc he doesnt want me to. Well he has a funny way of showing it. And hitting on my friends,underage friends at that is not the way to start proving it to me.
I want so much,I want a house,more kids...my honeymoon vacation next year,a life of happiness with my family. Why is that too much to ask for? Why is it that he enjoys making me miserable? He enjoys watching the fear on my face when I think he's about to hit me,the saddness in me when I find out he's screwing up again,the frustration in me when he puts me down....he enjoys all of it. And then he makes it up by buying me something really expensive. I dont want shit,yes the things are nice to have and i love them...but i just want a fuckin loving,faithful husband who meant every word he said to me on our wedding day and when he was in jail.
I now know the speech from jail was fake,bc he gave the same speech to Brittany not too long ago. Im starting to believe I was just another victim on his hoe list. He buttered me up and I've just been the only one to stay around,or better yet the only one who didn't get an abortion when he got me pregnant. I was no different then any of these girls...and now bc of our fight last nite,im sure hes gonna start up again. I was slowly starting to trust him again. I stopped goin thru his phone,i stopped buggin him...but apprently nothing I do makes a difference.
I'm worn out from trying. I'm worn out from hearing what a crappy husband I have and I deserve so much better. I do deserve so much better,bc im a damn good wife and mother. I'm the most loyal fucking person you'll ever meet and I would NEVER do anything to purposely hurt him, even now. But who knows if i'll ever leave. I need to...but it's easier said then done...and I dont like saying it bc deep down im thinkin,what if he magically decides to change for good this time,and then he finds out im leaving so he goes back to doing what he always does...and i blew it bc i told him i was leaving?? I cant take that chance.
I just want me and Sean to be happy. I want Devin to be happy too....but idk if thats possible as long as he's stuck in a marriage that he doesn't want.
I always say I give up,but then I always get hurt when I find out hes talkin to someone again. Being in love aint easy,thats for damn sure.
I have dealt with endless,endless girls...and if 1 goes away,a new one comes. Idk why. Maybe its his obsession? I mean we all like attention...but maybe he is obsessed with the attention he gets from girls after he tells them how sexy they are. Maybe i dont give him enough attention,well if thats the case...then i never gave him enough attention bc we never have had a time without problems.
I can blame staying around with him the first time,bc i was young and naieve(sp?) and i was absolutely in love with him. Then I found out that he was endlessly cheating on me,and he went to jail. Why did i write him a letter?? Why didn't I just move on? I was slowly starting to...I was talkin to Ryun,I was hangin out with friends...I was occupied...but I just had to fuckin write him. Idk why I did it,Idk if I was hoping that he would crawl back to me or if I just wanted to tell him how I felt about what had happend. He had Jessi,he supposidely "loved" Jessi. I shoulda backed off. I shoulda just let him be a past memory. But noooo I wrote him,and he called me and I accepted the call. And he poured his heart out to me,or so I thought. He told me he shoulda stayed with me,that he loves me,that i was his world and that he would never ever be so stupid again and hurt me. Annnd of course I fell for it. I was ecstatic...I was like finally he's gonna change,jail has scared him straight. WRONG.
He got out,we had a few of the best months of my life...he was absolutely amazing. There were signs that he hadn't changed, but I ignored them. Then shit started up again...and we got past it. Then I got pregnant,and we got married....and now look.
He has managed to hurt me every single way possible. He has never once stopped talking to girls. Idk why I stay,idk why i cant leave. I wish I was more independent. But how can I raise Sean by myself? How can I leave knowing I will probably never find anyone else. If i did,I'm pretty damn sure they would treat me better,but thats not hard. But I have no money, I have nowhere to go. I'm stuck with someone who gets pleasure in hurting me. Someone who thinks its funny to hit on every girl in America,talk to them like potential girlfriends and laugh when I find out bc he thinks its amusing. WHY do I subject myself to that?? Why can't I leave? Last nite I was thinkin,I'll just pack mine and Sean's shit up,take the car and go. But go where? I know Devin wouldn't miss us. He tells me all the time he'd be fine if I left. Even though he just told me the other day that when he seriously thinks im about to leave he straightens up bc he doesnt want me to. Well he has a funny way of showing it. And hitting on my friends,underage friends at that is not the way to start proving it to me.
I want so much,I want a house,more kids...my honeymoon vacation next year,a life of happiness with my family. Why is that too much to ask for? Why is it that he enjoys making me miserable? He enjoys watching the fear on my face when I think he's about to hit me,the saddness in me when I find out he's screwing up again,the frustration in me when he puts me down....he enjoys all of it. And then he makes it up by buying me something really expensive. I dont want shit,yes the things are nice to have and i love them...but i just want a fuckin loving,faithful husband who meant every word he said to me on our wedding day and when he was in jail.
I now know the speech from jail was fake,bc he gave the same speech to Brittany not too long ago. Im starting to believe I was just another victim on his hoe list. He buttered me up and I've just been the only one to stay around,or better yet the only one who didn't get an abortion when he got me pregnant. I was no different then any of these girls...and now bc of our fight last nite,im sure hes gonna start up again. I was slowly starting to trust him again. I stopped goin thru his phone,i stopped buggin him...but apprently nothing I do makes a difference.
I'm worn out from trying. I'm worn out from hearing what a crappy husband I have and I deserve so much better. I do deserve so much better,bc im a damn good wife and mother. I'm the most loyal fucking person you'll ever meet and I would NEVER do anything to purposely hurt him, even now. But who knows if i'll ever leave. I need to...but it's easier said then done...and I dont like saying it bc deep down im thinkin,what if he magically decides to change for good this time,and then he finds out im leaving so he goes back to doing what he always does...and i blew it bc i told him i was leaving?? I cant take that chance.
I just want me and Sean to be happy. I want Devin to be happy too....but idk if thats possible as long as he's stuck in a marriage that he doesn't want.
I always say I give up,but then I always get hurt when I find out hes talkin to someone again. Being in love aint easy,thats for damn sure.