Smells Like Teen Spirit
I am calm. I am friendly. I am caring.
These are a few qualities in myself that I like. One thing in myself that I a missing, a core part of being a teenager - teen angst. Where the hell is it? Where's my passion to be freaking crazy, break every rule and not look back? I'm fifteen, halfway through my teenage years already. I've got five years to go. It may seem like a long time ago, but I can remember being ten so vividly that I could believe it was yesterday.
I think Footloose has made me question myself. All these kids are so passionate about getting a dance going because dancing is against the law, and you know what I'd do? I'd say, "Guys, it won't happen, don't even try, get over it". I have a good sense of reality, a great sense, even, and I know when things are pointless, when people are lying, and when people are attention starved. Also, in Footloose, a younger friend, probably twelve told me she had her period, and it only hit me hours later that it could've very well been her first period. Pretty big event in a girls life. I was in the fifth grade, barely ten years old, which is early, and though I feel like it's been a long, long time ago, I can still feel like it was recent. Time is a strange thing to me. I have no concept of it, which may play into my non-craziness (Which is my insanity, by the way).
Anyway, I think I have no desire to be over the top because I've felt being mediocre was something to strive for. My dad inspired me to be this way. At dinner, his talks of ridiculous celebrities and looking down on their expensive cars and houses made me believe and respect people who do not have that. The people who will buy Hondas and not a Benz. The people who will get an office job and not be a starving actress. Don't get me wrong, my father and mother encouraged me to reach for my dreams, but I grew up valuing being average. Maybe I wanted my dad to like me because he'd see I wanted to be the common, blue collared person. Maybe, actually, definitely, that's a feature I love about my dad, and I want to be like him. Maybe I know my dad is ordinary and I love him so I love ordinary. Who knows. Either way, I know my dad inspired me to want to be the average kiddo. I liked the non-dramatic things, I guess you could say. I was always a little weird with that. I never liked anything mainstream. I liked Buttercup, not Bubbles. I liked Jo, not Blair on the Facts of Life.
At this age, that is what I want. A simplistic life - a 9-5 job with full benefits, married by thirty, and two or three kids, live in a house with a yard and I'd love a puppy. Maybe do some sort of art or theatre on the side to make money.
Now why would any fifteen year old want that.
Why don't I want to be a crazy, lunatic, famous, money hungry celebrity? WHY DO I WANT TO SETTLE IN MY LIFE? This is my life, I'm young, I have the power to make my decisions. I live life by working today to have a better tomorrow, but why am I working so hard? Why do I work so DAMN hard in school, harder than everyone else, and I'll probably just end up going to a SUNY school!? I should want to be on Broadway, wanting to go to NYU and not thinking about it 24/7. Life for today.
What the hell is my problem?
That turned out to be more of a rant than I planned. I probably sound nuts.
These are a few qualities in myself that I like. One thing in myself that I a missing, a core part of being a teenager - teen angst. Where the hell is it? Where's my passion to be freaking crazy, break every rule and not look back? I'm fifteen, halfway through my teenage years already. I've got five years to go. It may seem like a long time ago, but I can remember being ten so vividly that I could believe it was yesterday.
I think Footloose has made me question myself. All these kids are so passionate about getting a dance going because dancing is against the law, and you know what I'd do? I'd say, "Guys, it won't happen, don't even try, get over it". I have a good sense of reality, a great sense, even, and I know when things are pointless, when people are lying, and when people are attention starved. Also, in Footloose, a younger friend, probably twelve told me she had her period, and it only hit me hours later that it could've very well been her first period. Pretty big event in a girls life. I was in the fifth grade, barely ten years old, which is early, and though I feel like it's been a long, long time ago, I can still feel like it was recent. Time is a strange thing to me. I have no concept of it, which may play into my non-craziness (Which is my insanity, by the way).
Anyway, I think I have no desire to be over the top because I've felt being mediocre was something to strive for. My dad inspired me to be this way. At dinner, his talks of ridiculous celebrities and looking down on their expensive cars and houses made me believe and respect people who do not have that. The people who will buy Hondas and not a Benz. The people who will get an office job and not be a starving actress. Don't get me wrong, my father and mother encouraged me to reach for my dreams, but I grew up valuing being average. Maybe I wanted my dad to like me because he'd see I wanted to be the common, blue collared person. Maybe, actually, definitely, that's a feature I love about my dad, and I want to be like him. Maybe I know my dad is ordinary and I love him so I love ordinary. Who knows. Either way, I know my dad inspired me to want to be the average kiddo. I liked the non-dramatic things, I guess you could say. I was always a little weird with that. I never liked anything mainstream. I liked Buttercup, not Bubbles. I liked Jo, not Blair on the Facts of Life.
At this age, that is what I want. A simplistic life - a 9-5 job with full benefits, married by thirty, and two or three kids, live in a house with a yard and I'd love a puppy. Maybe do some sort of art or theatre on the side to make money.
Now why would any fifteen year old want that.
Why don't I want to be a crazy, lunatic, famous, money hungry celebrity? WHY DO I WANT TO SETTLE IN MY LIFE? This is my life, I'm young, I have the power to make my decisions. I live life by working today to have a better tomorrow, but why am I working so hard? Why do I work so DAMN hard in school, harder than everyone else, and I'll probably just end up going to a SUNY school!? I should want to be on Broadway, wanting to go to NYU and not thinking about it 24/7. Life for today.
What the hell is my problem?
That turned out to be more of a rant than I planned. I probably sound nuts.