that's it... i've had it...
i'm writing... i'm writing to you, who ever you are...
i haven't done this in a long time... i've hated my life for a long time...
i grew up just outside of san antonio, texas - a small town with an even more small town blah... i fell in love at 10 with my best friend - a boy... he fell in love with me... we loved each other... he killed himself at 16... i died, too...
i had constant dreams of leaving... going somewhere huge where i could lose all of my childhood... i met cocaine... i loved cocaine... i met gregory... he ruined my second life... three years gone... get away... get clean... sober... new...
new york... 1999... alone... clean... nothing and everything... perfect...
brian... love... love??? brian is modern... open relationship??? what's that... three years with brian, others tagging along...
november 2002 - charlie... wonderful... love... love... yay, i found it... alone, together... new york is killing me... gotta go... clean, alone... no, with charlie... scared...
i left new york back in september of october of 2003... wow, that's such a long time ago... i think i might miss it...
i now live in west virginia, in the middle of a regular town with regular chain restaurants, a regular evil wal-mart, and my life at the high school... west virginia... who would have ever fucking thought it... sigh...
there are things i like here - i've actually had time to make art... i have art time!!! i never had that in new york... i never had sleep time or alone time or any time like that in new york... i had life and food and drinks and dancing and friends and sex and sex with friends and abs and energy and even a little bit of fame... now, i have art...
why do i hate it??? i don't understand!!!
i have one friend... one...
i mean, i have charlie (my boyfriend) and daisy and damienne (the dog and cat) and a farm with land and the kids at school... these things are beautiful...
but other than that i have one friend...
and other than that i have art...
these things are perfect... i've been content... and i hate so much...
back and forth and back and forth and back...
am i insane???
it's a routine, my life... every day... nothing new...
wake up, smoke, coffee, clean, smoke, school, lunch, smoke, school, pick up charlie, smoke, school, rehearsal, chain restaurant, smoke, drink, home, computer, freelance work, smoke, art, smoke, golden girls, computer, smoke, bed...
i need to quit smoking...
i need something new...
but then i get something new, and it freaks me out and i hate myself again... (not even worth getting into)...
this will be my last semester at the school... it kills me... school kills me and the shows kill me and the thought of not having these kids in my life anymore absolutely kills me...
i don't want new york back...
i don't know what i want... i want to start over... scratch...
how do you get rid of everything you have - for a third time???
kisslovedan'l
i haven't done this in a long time... i've hated my life for a long time...
i grew up just outside of san antonio, texas - a small town with an even more small town blah... i fell in love at 10 with my best friend - a boy... he fell in love with me... we loved each other... he killed himself at 16... i died, too...
i had constant dreams of leaving... going somewhere huge where i could lose all of my childhood... i met cocaine... i loved cocaine... i met gregory... he ruined my second life... three years gone... get away... get clean... sober... new...
new york... 1999... alone... clean... nothing and everything... perfect...
brian... love... love??? brian is modern... open relationship??? what's that... three years with brian, others tagging along...
november 2002 - charlie... wonderful... love... love... yay, i found it... alone, together... new york is killing me... gotta go... clean, alone... no, with charlie... scared...
i left new york back in september of october of 2003... wow, that's such a long time ago... i think i might miss it...
i now live in west virginia, in the middle of a regular town with regular chain restaurants, a regular evil wal-mart, and my life at the high school... west virginia... who would have ever fucking thought it... sigh...
there are things i like here - i've actually had time to make art... i have art time!!! i never had that in new york... i never had sleep time or alone time or any time like that in new york... i had life and food and drinks and dancing and friends and sex and sex with friends and abs and energy and even a little bit of fame... now, i have art...
why do i hate it??? i don't understand!!!
i have one friend... one...
i mean, i have charlie (my boyfriend) and daisy and damienne (the dog and cat) and a farm with land and the kids at school... these things are beautiful...
but other than that i have one friend...
and other than that i have art...
these things are perfect... i've been content... and i hate so much...
back and forth and back and forth and back...
am i insane???
it's a routine, my life... every day... nothing new...
wake up, smoke, coffee, clean, smoke, school, lunch, smoke, school, pick up charlie, smoke, school, rehearsal, chain restaurant, smoke, drink, home, computer, freelance work, smoke, art, smoke, golden girls, computer, smoke, bed...
i need to quit smoking...
i need something new...
but then i get something new, and it freaks me out and i hate myself again... (not even worth getting into)...
this will be my last semester at the school... it kills me... school kills me and the shows kill me and the thought of not having these kids in my life anymore absolutely kills me...
i don't want new york back...
i don't know what i want... i want to start over... scratch...
how do you get rid of everything you have - for a third time???
kisslovedan'l