a test, this is only a test...
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How to Comfort a Crying Woman
There are multiple methods and approaches one can take when attempting to comfort a crying woman. However, as a woman who is well acquainted with tears, I offer here an insiders view on what really ought to be done and what to avoid. The first part of the process is to understand the four basic stages a crying woman goes through so that you, the potential comforter, might be forewarned and thus more properly prepared. The stages are as follows. The initial stage is the unmistakable collapse/outburst stage, as in “She burst into tears.” Second is the telling/description stage where a woman will attempt to explain the reason for the outburst, often while still crying. The next stage is the sobbing/grieve stage where the woman will just cry, not speaking or doing anything else, just weeping. The last stage is the quieting/releasing stage where the tears ease and the woman frequently apologizes for her behavior. These stages are in approximate order; also, these stages, as I’ve laid them out, should be considered more guidelines than hard and fast rules. Let’s examine the stages in more depth along with advice for those attempting to offer comfort.
Stage One: Outburst- This initial stage is the one in which the woman burst into tears or collapses and begins crying often with little or no apparent reason, (something I think many of us have experienced at some point and are usually flummoxed by). My advice first and foremost is to stay calm! She has just collapsed, she’s in no state to be the one to take charge and handle things; you must be the one to keep your cool (for those of you that are male I would suggest even the appearance of calm. A hysterical woman is something you’re probably not at all comfortable handling, but believe, me she’s so upset, she probably won’t even notice if you’re just faking it). You should attempt to comfort her (a hug and or a shoulder to cry on are traditional). Next I caution you DO NOT offer any advice or criticism at this point. Believe me it will not help and will most likely exacerbate the situation (banshee-like screeching and crockery aimed with alarming accuracy at your head are just a few of the possible consequences of such an unwise act). You might also want to offer reassuring (and mostly nonsensical) words like “There, there.” Or, “It’s okay.”
Stage Two: Telling- This stage usually follows the initial collapse. It’s the time when the woman attempts to describe what it is that prompted the tears (although she might need some gentle urging to reach this point such as ‘Why don’t you tell me about it?’ which is infinitely more appropriate than what you what you might actually be thinking i.e. ‘What the hell is the matter with you?’). You the comforter should listen attentively, make eye contact if possible, nod and make sympathetic noises at the appropriate intervals. She’s most likely still sobbing, and consequently might not make much sense or even be intelligible. You, however, as the one that happens to be present, are required to listen closely to her nonsense (again, guys, when in doubt just pretend by looking at her face, nodding a lot and making noncommittal and or sympathetic noises like ‘ah’, ‘uh-huh’ or ‘mm’). If possible try paraphrasing back to her, to let her know you are really paying attention. Ordinarily continued physical closeness is also recommended, an arm over the shoulder, or allowing her to rest in your embrace, or even a hand held, just be as close as you both can comfortably allow (and for the male portion of our audience, don’t even think about taking advantage of a woman at a time like this. Sure you might get lucky, but trust me when I say it’s a very bad idea; one of two things will happen. Either A) when she’s recovered she’ll be appalled and never want to speak to you again or B) you’ll get yourself a needy, clingy, possibly stalker-like girlfriend, neither of which are pleasant alternatives so comfort, don’t seduce). Here again I strongly advise that you resist the impulse to ‘fix’ it. Don’t do it. She really only wants to feel validated and heard, (she may not hurl porcelain trinkets at your skull ,but she will at the very least resent it and store it away in the little file she keeps in the back of her head to be used as ammunition for your next argument and or just further evidence of why you are in fact a nimrod and not to be trusted).
Stage Three: Grieving- the point at which the woman just completely breaks down and gives vent to her feelings. She doesn’t talk or do any other sort of acting out beyond tears and perhaps moaning, keening, shaking or rocking. It is very important to give the woman time and unspoken but understood permission to just cry (Got that guys? You have to let her cry, it’s vitally important and believe me as uncomfortable as it might be, not allowing her this release could have potentially catastrophic consequences, not the least of which would be for those of you physically involved with the woman in question may end up sleeping on the couch for the next few months.) For a woman, this stage of crying is cathartic and the pain must be allowed to run its course so she can move on to the next stage. Hugs, pats and soothing nonsense-speak are not inappropriate, but the need varies by individual and instance (it can be tricky finding the right balance. What might work once, might not work another time. Again with the faking it, just do something anything. Even if its not exactly right she’ll appreciate the effort). One should also realize that this stage doesn’t necessarily come right after the telling stage. It can come before and or after (that’s right, sobbing uncontrollably can happen not once but multiple times during the whole crying cycle perhaps it’s the karmic justice for the multiple orgasm thing, but that’s neither here nor there). For the last time you should NOT, no matter how tempting, offer advice or criticisms while she is hurting like this. It is not a kindness at this point believe me. Just be present and quietly concerned (I know, I know, every bone in your body is screaming at you to put on your ‘Mr. Fix-It hat, but resist, resist chant to yourself men are from Mars, women are from Venus, men are from Mars…). You should also know that the woman may need to go through several of the steps numerous times before she can let go and calm down (a nice segue into the next and final stage).
Stage Four: Quieting- This is the time when the woman’s storm of weeping has by and large passed, leaving perhaps just a drizzle in its wake. It is when she takes several deep breaths, wipes away tears (if you haven’t already done it for her) and may try to smarten up her appearance by tugging clothes into order, wiping at ruined makeup or vain attempts to fix her hair (obviously teasing or even mentioning her state of disarray is a very, very bad idea at this point. In fact you might want to reassure her that she looks just fine, even if it is a blatant lie with her red, puffy and mascara smeared eyes.). She also will almost certainly apologize for her behavior (even though being a woman she’s probably already apologized multiple times during earlier stages). This is the ONLY time when it might be advisable to offer advice or a solution to her problems, but even then use caution. If you offer any suggestions couch them in kind and gentle words (Yeah okay, NOW you can tell her what you’ve been dying to since she collapsed, but remember advice like ‘You should totally dump the douche-bag loser boyfriend!’ would not be well received. You, the comforter, must be at least somewhat diplomatic. For instance ‘You really seem to be hurting, you might want to consider taking a time out from your relationship with Bob.’). You may even want to hold off until such a time as she asks for your help. Often just listening to her and letting her know she is heard and cared for will be enough of a solution (no matter how utterly foreign a concept for you men that might seem). You might also want to offer such small kindnesses such as a tissue for cleaning herself up or a drink of water. Crying can burn a lot of calories and she might very likely be hungry, so it wouldn’t hurt to offer to feed her, especially if chocolate is involved (if you are dating, married to, or good friends with a regular weeper I would recommend carrying around a spare supply of chocolate and tissues).
Congratulations, you have just survived the ordeal of comforting a weeping woman and deserve a pat on the back. Not everyone is up to the challenge, but by being aware of these stages and what to do and avoid you can make what is inevitably an uncomfortable situation as painless as possible for you both. Remember that things I’ve recommended should be considered guidelines only and may not all apply to every woman every time. Still, by using them judiciously you can do a real service to a woman by giving her what she needs when she needs it. Trust me, do these things and you will get better at it, or at the very least better at faking it, and even if, as a man, it makes you feel like some sort of girly-man, you don’t have to tell the guys at the gym, and the women in your life will most certainly appreciate your newfound wisdom and sensitivity.
How to Comfort a Crying Woman
There are multiple methods and approaches one can take when attempting to comfort a crying woman. However, as a woman who is well acquainted with tears, I offer here an insiders view on what really ought to be done and what to avoid. The first part of the process is to understand the four basic stages a crying woman goes through so that you, the potential comforter, might be forewarned and thus more properly prepared. The stages are as follows. The initial stage is the unmistakable collapse/outburst stage, as in “She burst into tears.” Second is the telling/description stage where a woman will attempt to explain the reason for the outburst, often while still crying. The next stage is the sobbing/grieve stage where the woman will just cry, not speaking or doing anything else, just weeping. The last stage is the quieting/releasing stage where the tears ease and the woman frequently apologizes for her behavior. These stages are in approximate order; also, these stages, as I’ve laid them out, should be considered more guidelines than hard and fast rules. Let’s examine the stages in more depth along with advice for those attempting to offer comfort.
Stage One: Outburst- This initial stage is the one in which the woman burst into tears or collapses and begins crying often with little or no apparent reason, (something I think many of us have experienced at some point and are usually flummoxed by). My advice first and foremost is to stay calm! She has just collapsed, she’s in no state to be the one to take charge and handle things; you must be the one to keep your cool (for those of you that are male I would suggest even the appearance of calm. A hysterical woman is something you’re probably not at all comfortable handling, but believe, me she’s so upset, she probably won’t even notice if you’re just faking it). You should attempt to comfort her (a hug and or a shoulder to cry on are traditional). Next I caution you DO NOT offer any advice or criticism at this point. Believe me it will not help and will most likely exacerbate the situation (banshee-like screeching and crockery aimed with alarming accuracy at your head are just a few of the possible consequences of such an unwise act). You might also want to offer reassuring (and mostly nonsensical) words like “There, there.” Or, “It’s okay.”
Stage Two: Telling- This stage usually follows the initial collapse. It’s the time when the woman attempts to describe what it is that prompted the tears (although she might need some gentle urging to reach this point such as ‘Why don’t you tell me about it?’ which is infinitely more appropriate than what you what you might actually be thinking i.e. ‘What the hell is the matter with you?’). You the comforter should listen attentively, make eye contact if possible, nod and make sympathetic noises at the appropriate intervals. She’s most likely still sobbing, and consequently might not make much sense or even be intelligible. You, however, as the one that happens to be present, are required to listen closely to her nonsense (again, guys, when in doubt just pretend by looking at her face, nodding a lot and making noncommittal and or sympathetic noises like ‘ah’, ‘uh-huh’ or ‘mm’). If possible try paraphrasing back to her, to let her know you are really paying attention. Ordinarily continued physical closeness is also recommended, an arm over the shoulder, or allowing her to rest in your embrace, or even a hand held, just be as close as you both can comfortably allow (and for the male portion of our audience, don’t even think about taking advantage of a woman at a time like this. Sure you might get lucky, but trust me when I say it’s a very bad idea; one of two things will happen. Either A) when she’s recovered she’ll be appalled and never want to speak to you again or B) you’ll get yourself a needy, clingy, possibly stalker-like girlfriend, neither of which are pleasant alternatives so comfort, don’t seduce). Here again I strongly advise that you resist the impulse to ‘fix’ it. Don’t do it. She really only wants to feel validated and heard, (she may not hurl porcelain trinkets at your skull ,but she will at the very least resent it and store it away in the little file she keeps in the back of her head to be used as ammunition for your next argument and or just further evidence of why you are in fact a nimrod and not to be trusted).
Stage Three: Grieving- the point at which the woman just completely breaks down and gives vent to her feelings. She doesn’t talk or do any other sort of acting out beyond tears and perhaps moaning, keening, shaking or rocking. It is very important to give the woman time and unspoken but understood permission to just cry (Got that guys? You have to let her cry, it’s vitally important and believe me as uncomfortable as it might be, not allowing her this release could have potentially catastrophic consequences, not the least of which would be for those of you physically involved with the woman in question may end up sleeping on the couch for the next few months.) For a woman, this stage of crying is cathartic and the pain must be allowed to run its course so she can move on to the next stage. Hugs, pats and soothing nonsense-speak are not inappropriate, but the need varies by individual and instance (it can be tricky finding the right balance. What might work once, might not work another time. Again with the faking it, just do something anything. Even if its not exactly right she’ll appreciate the effort). One should also realize that this stage doesn’t necessarily come right after the telling stage. It can come before and or after (that’s right, sobbing uncontrollably can happen not once but multiple times during the whole crying cycle perhaps it’s the karmic justice for the multiple orgasm thing, but that’s neither here nor there). For the last time you should NOT, no matter how tempting, offer advice or criticisms while she is hurting like this. It is not a kindness at this point believe me. Just be present and quietly concerned (I know, I know, every bone in your body is screaming at you to put on your ‘Mr. Fix-It hat, but resist, resist chant to yourself men are from Mars, women are from Venus, men are from Mars…). You should also know that the woman may need to go through several of the steps numerous times before she can let go and calm down (a nice segue into the next and final stage).
Stage Four: Quieting- This is the time when the woman’s storm of weeping has by and large passed, leaving perhaps just a drizzle in its wake. It is when she takes several deep breaths, wipes away tears (if you haven’t already done it for her) and may try to smarten up her appearance by tugging clothes into order, wiping at ruined makeup or vain attempts to fix her hair (obviously teasing or even mentioning her state of disarray is a very, very bad idea at this point. In fact you might want to reassure her that she looks just fine, even if it is a blatant lie with her red, puffy and mascara smeared eyes.). She also will almost certainly apologize for her behavior (even though being a woman she’s probably already apologized multiple times during earlier stages). This is the ONLY time when it might be advisable to offer advice or a solution to her problems, but even then use caution. If you offer any suggestions couch them in kind and gentle words (Yeah okay, NOW you can tell her what you’ve been dying to since she collapsed, but remember advice like ‘You should totally dump the douche-bag loser boyfriend!’ would not be well received. You, the comforter, must be at least somewhat diplomatic. For instance ‘You really seem to be hurting, you might want to consider taking a time out from your relationship with Bob.’). You may even want to hold off until such a time as she asks for your help. Often just listening to her and letting her know she is heard and cared for will be enough of a solution (no matter how utterly foreign a concept for you men that might seem). You might also want to offer such small kindnesses such as a tissue for cleaning herself up or a drink of water. Crying can burn a lot of calories and she might very likely be hungry, so it wouldn’t hurt to offer to feed her, especially if chocolate is involved (if you are dating, married to, or good friends with a regular weeper I would recommend carrying around a spare supply of chocolate and tissues).
Congratulations, you have just survived the ordeal of comforting a weeping woman and deserve a pat on the back. Not everyone is up to the challenge, but by being aware of these stages and what to do and avoid you can make what is inevitably an uncomfortable situation as painless as possible for you both. Remember that things I’ve recommended should be considered guidelines only and may not all apply to every woman every time. Still, by using them judiciously you can do a real service to a woman by giving her what she needs when she needs it. Trust me, do these things and you will get better at it, or at the very least better at faking it, and even if, as a man, it makes you feel like some sort of girly-man, you don’t have to tell the guys at the gym, and the women in your life will most certainly appreciate your newfound wisdom and sensitivity.