It is 2:30am Valentine's Day morning...
and why the fuck am I still awake? I dont know why. I just couldn't sleep, and have been up playing on myspace, changing lots of stuff, thinking about life and the like. Found out something tonight that really bothered me, the real reason I'm awake, although I can't say it out loud. I just... I still kinda doubt that the people I think I know are really who I think they are. I still feel like... like i'm being decieved. Valentine's Day, the celebration of Imbole in my religion, and I should be happy and care-free. Instead, I am left wondering, once again, if where I am in life is right.
I fell off the damned horse... again... today, and injured my fucking knee... again. Every time I get on one of these fucking horses something goes wrong, and I feel like a complete incompetant fool. Its really starting to make me hate riding horses here, and riding period. Never thought I would say that. I miss dogs, and dog showing. Atleast then I KNEW I was the best. I don't know, maybe I was right before... maybe I should just go back to Texas and try for my Masters in Psych. Sexology and relationships. Atleast I'm good at that, too.
I've just really hit this point in my life where I'm not sure of anything I do anymore. Everything is a big, fat "if", and what really pisses me off is that that "if" depends on another human being, who is so indecisive and inactive with those "ifs" that I can't figure out my own life. I had forgotten why I had shunned off relationships for so long, and I'm starting to really remember. God how I miss those days when nothing I did depended on anyone else. Take my dogs to a dog show, no big deal. Go win a horse show, no problem. I could go anywhere and do anything and the only person it mattered to was ME. I've NEVER had a decision to make before that I wasn't sure of, and now everything for me is one big "if". I hate "ifs".
Even more still, I feel like I'm letting everyone around me down. I left, and now my dogs are pining away for me. Poor Ginger is deteriorating into nothingness, to the point where she wont' even talk to me anymore. My dog club, which my entire life revolves around, is falling apart at the seams and there's nothing I can do about it. I feel so... helpless. I've never not been in complete control of my life, and this feeling is literally driving me insane.
I wish things could go back to the way they were. God how I want those last few days of Senior Year back... just sitting out on the hill at the Manhole with the only person who mattered to me, and everything being just fine. No worries, no anticipation or doubt, just... existing. How far I am from everything I know and love, and its killing me. Slowly and painfully. Life isn't fun anymore, and I'm not the person I used to be. My confidence is falling faster and faster every day, and I'm becoming more and more doubtful of myself and what I'm doing, whatever that may be. I think the biggest thing is that I dont know what I want out of life anymore. I'm lost, and I don't know where to turn or who to turn to. Gaia bless you, Julie-Rae, but this time, I think I've got to figure this one out on my own. I just don't know if I can...
I fell off the damned horse... again... today, and injured my fucking knee... again. Every time I get on one of these fucking horses something goes wrong, and I feel like a complete incompetant fool. Its really starting to make me hate riding horses here, and riding period. Never thought I would say that. I miss dogs, and dog showing. Atleast then I KNEW I was the best. I don't know, maybe I was right before... maybe I should just go back to Texas and try for my Masters in Psych. Sexology and relationships. Atleast I'm good at that, too.
I've just really hit this point in my life where I'm not sure of anything I do anymore. Everything is a big, fat "if", and what really pisses me off is that that "if" depends on another human being, who is so indecisive and inactive with those "ifs" that I can't figure out my own life. I had forgotten why I had shunned off relationships for so long, and I'm starting to really remember. God how I miss those days when nothing I did depended on anyone else. Take my dogs to a dog show, no big deal. Go win a horse show, no problem. I could go anywhere and do anything and the only person it mattered to was ME. I've NEVER had a decision to make before that I wasn't sure of, and now everything for me is one big "if". I hate "ifs".
Even more still, I feel like I'm letting everyone around me down. I left, and now my dogs are pining away for me. Poor Ginger is deteriorating into nothingness, to the point where she wont' even talk to me anymore. My dog club, which my entire life revolves around, is falling apart at the seams and there's nothing I can do about it. I feel so... helpless. I've never not been in complete control of my life, and this feeling is literally driving me insane.
I wish things could go back to the way they were. God how I want those last few days of Senior Year back... just sitting out on the hill at the Manhole with the only person who mattered to me, and everything being just fine. No worries, no anticipation or doubt, just... existing. How far I am from everything I know and love, and its killing me. Slowly and painfully. Life isn't fun anymore, and I'm not the person I used to be. My confidence is falling faster and faster every day, and I'm becoming more and more doubtful of myself and what I'm doing, whatever that may be. I think the biggest thing is that I dont know what I want out of life anymore. I'm lost, and I don't know where to turn or who to turn to. Gaia bless you, Julie-Rae, but this time, I think I've got to figure this one out on my own. I just don't know if I can...