Fuckle mind
https://youtu.be/2m6nGyM8kTs
So I’ve been rewriting this for the past few hours, autoplaying the saddest songs on YouTube, holding back my tears yet wishing I could let it all out.
I haven’t been here for while. I didn’t need to. Even now, I’m not sure where to start or what to write.
I don’t resent you. How could I? After all that we’ve been through. It wasn’t smooth sailing but it was beautiful, much like you. As cliche as it might sound, I’ve never met someone like you. You bring out the best and worst in me.
I’m not sure if you notice or realise but I haven’t exactly been sharing my feelings openly. Maybe I haven’t been sad or maybe I just got better at masking them or a little of both.
You said you trust me and in turn I told you I’ll never break your trust. I’ve always been one who isn’t trustworthy. I fuck shit up all the time but with you, I want to be better. I want to do better. But really, every time I put my trust in you, it’s just disappointments after disappointments. I understand your circumstances but there are better ways to deal with them. For example, when I tell you I’m upset about something, your first reaction is to hide it from me the next time. We may have taken it as a joke but seriously, just give it some thought and how that makes me feel.
The past few months, from the time we had the big fight until now, everything was great, at least to me. I didn’t have to worry about him or anyone else. Just that we still can’t exactly go out in the day. But I didn’t have to be a psycho. I’ve been saying that I cannot go through this again and look what’s happening. Every time I see you online on WhatsApp, I have to search his name to see if he’s online too. I’m really like a psycho. I start to wonder if you’re not with me then are you with him. I seriously can’t even stand myself. I haven’t been like this
And I don’t want to be like this but I am.
I don’t even like to tell you how I feel anymore because I know it’ll make you sad and you actually want to push me away. It feels like you’ve already accepted that I have to go.
I understand you feel like you can’t make me happy. That’s why you rather make me sad and angry so that I’ll leave. It’s really painful for me you know.
You’re upset by your own actions and I’m collateral. Sometimes I really just wanna fuck it and just be like you and make myself feel worse. That’s why I called you on Wednesday and fuck you up. But look what that got me? I’m not fickle minded, I’m just fucked. When I see you or talk to you or be with you, everything shit just turns magical and I fall for you over and over again. Then some shit happens and I want to die. I’m afraid one day I’ll really do something to make myself feel worse and I won’t recover from it.
It’s a really unhealthy cycle. No one told me dating would be this hard or a relationship would be this intense.
I can’t give you up. I don’t want to. I rather hurt and watch you silently than forget about you. I don’t want to hurt. I don’t want you to hurt. Why does this have to hurt. I can’t take the hurt.
I’m unstable I know. I understand.
I really don’t want to come back here.
So I’ve been rewriting this for the past few hours, autoplaying the saddest songs on YouTube, holding back my tears yet wishing I could let it all out.
I haven’t been here for while. I didn’t need to. Even now, I’m not sure where to start or what to write.
I don’t resent you. How could I? After all that we’ve been through. It wasn’t smooth sailing but it was beautiful, much like you. As cliche as it might sound, I’ve never met someone like you. You bring out the best and worst in me.
I’m not sure if you notice or realise but I haven’t exactly been sharing my feelings openly. Maybe I haven’t been sad or maybe I just got better at masking them or a little of both.
You said you trust me and in turn I told you I’ll never break your trust. I’ve always been one who isn’t trustworthy. I fuck shit up all the time but with you, I want to be better. I want to do better. But really, every time I put my trust in you, it’s just disappointments after disappointments. I understand your circumstances but there are better ways to deal with them. For example, when I tell you I’m upset about something, your first reaction is to hide it from me the next time. We may have taken it as a joke but seriously, just give it some thought and how that makes me feel.
The past few months, from the time we had the big fight until now, everything was great, at least to me. I didn’t have to worry about him or anyone else. Just that we still can’t exactly go out in the day. But I didn’t have to be a psycho. I’ve been saying that I cannot go through this again and look what’s happening. Every time I see you online on WhatsApp, I have to search his name to see if he’s online too. I’m really like a psycho. I start to wonder if you’re not with me then are you with him. I seriously can’t even stand myself. I haven’t been like this
And I don’t want to be like this but I am.
I don’t even like to tell you how I feel anymore because I know it’ll make you sad and you actually want to push me away. It feels like you’ve already accepted that I have to go.
I understand you feel like you can’t make me happy. That’s why you rather make me sad and angry so that I’ll leave. It’s really painful for me you know.
You’re upset by your own actions and I’m collateral. Sometimes I really just wanna fuck it and just be like you and make myself feel worse. That’s why I called you on Wednesday and fuck you up. But look what that got me? I’m not fickle minded, I’m just fucked. When I see you or talk to you or be with you, everything shit just turns magical and I fall for you over and over again. Then some shit happens and I want to die. I’m afraid one day I’ll really do something to make myself feel worse and I won’t recover from it.
It’s a really unhealthy cycle. No one told me dating would be this hard or a relationship would be this intense.
I can’t give you up. I don’t want to. I rather hurt and watch you silently than forget about you. I don’t want to hurt. I don’t want you to hurt. Why does this have to hurt. I can’t take the hurt.
I’m unstable I know. I understand.
I really don’t want to come back here.