Sitting Alone (original, R)
this is almost entirely autobiographical, i wrote it while sitting at a cafe in nyc with no internet access. it's un-beta'd, and i haven't really proofread it since i wrote it. it started out as a stream of consciousness kind of thing and then kind of took on a life of its own.
Title: Sitting Alone
Rating: R, for language
Word Count: 1,476
A/N: this was originally an original fic, then i made it bleightonish, then i decided i didn't like that so i went back to the way i had it at the beginning, as an original fic unaffiliated with any fandom.
She sat alone in the nearly empty outdoor café, a half-finished bottle of raspberry Crystal Light and a pack of cigarettes on the table next to her. Two older men speaking rapid-fire Spanish sat at the table directly in front of her, sharing a can of Budweiser and laughing. Periodically they would turn to look at her they say something in Spanish and laugh harder, leading her to believe that they were probably talking about her. A few tables to her right were two young men playing cards and talking. A man sitting alone with the biggest bottle of beer she’d ever seen at another table. There was an Asian woman sitting alone, eating salad and reading a book. The sounds of the passing traffic blended with the streams of music coming from the speakers surrounding the park. It was a cute little place, she thought as she looked around, albeit a little sketchy. But this was New York City; it was expected to be a little sketchy at times. It was nearly 8 pm; she’d gotten off work a little over an hour earlier. The smart thing to do would have been to walk a few blocks to the nearest subway and head home, but for some reason she felt the need to stay out tonight. She couldn’t explain it, but something was telling her to sit alone in the crappy little café with her computer and wait. What she was waiting for, she didn’t know, but she had a sense that this was where she was supposed to be.
A car honked, snapping her out of her thoughts. Her cigarette had burned out; she lit another one. She didn’t really like smoking, and she wasn’t addicted to it, but she kept on doing it anyway, despite all the reasons why she should stop. It was weird, she thought, there really was no reason for her to be smoking. She didn’t do it to relax, she didn’t like the taste, she didn’t really have to money to spend of cigarettes, and yet she continued doing it. She looked around at the people in the park; some people were alone, others were with friends, others appeared to be with a date. She wondered why they were all there, what they all were thinking. Were they looking at her, feeling bad for her because she was alone? Did they wonder why she was just sitting there, with no food, typing away on her computer? Did they even notice her at all? She sighed, took another drag of her cigarette. What did it matter anyway? She was just one person, one single person in a city of over a million people. There was no reason anyone would notice her.
Stop, she told herself. You’re getting depressing. You know better than to start down that path, you’ve been there before. It doesn’t end well. It was true; at that point, she was on three different prescriptions, all for ADD and depression symptoms, and she was sick of it. Half the time she didn’t even take all her pills, just to see what would happen, if anyone would notice. For someone who was so surrounded by people all the time, she felt pretty fucking alone.
One of the Spanish guys left to get more beer; the other one started talking to her. She couldn’t really hear him that well, and she could barely understand him, so she just smiled and nodded and pretended to follow along, hoping he’d eventually get bored and stop talking. It worked; he nodded and looked away, then his friend returned with two more beers.
What am I even doing here, she thought to herself. She hadn’t spoken a word out loud in over an hour. Everyone around her was so loud she didn’t need to speak. Despite all the noise and pandemonium around her, her head was strangely quiet. There wasn’t a focused thought, per se, but her mind was at ease, unfazed by everything happening on the outside. She sighed. Something was missing. She wasn’t exactly unhappy, she just felt somewhat unfulfilled. She was, for the most part, alone, with no one special to share things with or to talk to just because. The closest thing she had was her best friend, who was halfway across the world for the world for the next three months, and even if she wasn’t, she still felt like a burden to her friend. She knew she loved her, but there was still that part of her that felt like she wasn’t deserving of such a good friend and kept trying to find reasons why her friend cared. She was depressed, isolated, a fuckup; why would anyone want her?
You’re doing it again, badmouthing yourself. She stopped her train of thought. Don’t think like that. You are worth something, and people care about you. Stop thinking like that. She tried to listen to her inner voice, but it was hard sometimes. If she was completely honest, she was lonely. Sure, she’d her fair share of guys to fuck around with, plenty of people to hold her and touch her and make her feel beautiful and wanted, but it wasn’t enough. None of them truly satisfied her. They might work temporarily, be good for an orgasm or two when she wanted it, but none of them were what she really needed. She needed someone who really loved her, someone who could see her when she looked and felt her absolute worst and still think she was beautiful. And she didn’t think a guy would ever be enough.
When asked, she told people she was bisexual. That she liked both boys and girls. It wasn’t really a lie, she did like boys, but deep down she knew she would never be truly happy with a man. There was just something about women that excited her, intrigued her, captivated her, and she knew she was going to end up with another girl. Boys were good for a fling, a casual date, a fuck buddy. But girls, they were different. She was totally willing to have the same kind of casual friends-with-benefits relationships she had with guys with girls, but eventually she knew she’d want more. Not from every girl she was with, but someday down the road she’d meet a girl she wanted to be with, and then she could be happy.
She suddenly realized her hand felt warm. She looked down; her cigarette had burned down to the filter. She put it out, considered lighting another, the decided she didn’t really have the energy. She looked around. Some of the people had left, others had come in. The Spanish men were still there, still looking at her and talking to each other, she still didn’t understand what they were saying. The two young men were still playing cards. The guy with the beer had been replaced by some of his friends and a different, equally large bottle of beer. There were some new guys a few tables away leering at her; she pretended she didn’t see them. They called out to her, whistled; she ignored them. She looked back at her computer. Out of the corner of her eye she saw a girl looking at her. She looked up, and gasped. The girl was beautiful. She had light hair that was pulled back and hidden under a baseball cap, and eyes so blue they almost looked purple. She was dressed casually, in a sweatshirt and jeans, but there was a hint of flirtation in the way the shirt was cut. She looked up at the girl and their eyes met. She expected the girl to look away embarrassed at being caught staring, but she held her gaze. The girl didn’t change her expression at all, except for the hint of a smile that crept in as she saw her staring back. Something stirred in the pit of her stomach. She couldn’t quite explain it, but she had a feeling that this girl was going to be important. She raised one eyebrow at the girl; the girl smirked, grabbed her bag and walked over. She sat down, introduced herself, asked her out for coffee. She looked at the girl, impressed, and agreed. She closed her computer and put it away. The girl stood and offered her hand. She took it, and they walked off together towards the Starbucks up the block. While they were walking she looked at the girl and smiled; somehow she didn’t feel so lonely anymore. They had only just met, and it was only coffee, but she had a feeling that this girl could turn out to be something good. She laughed at something the girl said and thought to herself, maybe sitting alone isn’t so bad after all.
Title: Sitting Alone
Rating: R, for language
Word Count: 1,476
A/N: this was originally an original fic, then i made it bleightonish, then i decided i didn't like that so i went back to the way i had it at the beginning, as an original fic unaffiliated with any fandom.
She sat alone in the nearly empty outdoor café, a half-finished bottle of raspberry Crystal Light and a pack of cigarettes on the table next to her. Two older men speaking rapid-fire Spanish sat at the table directly in front of her, sharing a can of Budweiser and laughing. Periodically they would turn to look at her they say something in Spanish and laugh harder, leading her to believe that they were probably talking about her. A few tables to her right were two young men playing cards and talking. A man sitting alone with the biggest bottle of beer she’d ever seen at another table. There was an Asian woman sitting alone, eating salad and reading a book. The sounds of the passing traffic blended with the streams of music coming from the speakers surrounding the park. It was a cute little place, she thought as she looked around, albeit a little sketchy. But this was New York City; it was expected to be a little sketchy at times. It was nearly 8 pm; she’d gotten off work a little over an hour earlier. The smart thing to do would have been to walk a few blocks to the nearest subway and head home, but for some reason she felt the need to stay out tonight. She couldn’t explain it, but something was telling her to sit alone in the crappy little café with her computer and wait. What she was waiting for, she didn’t know, but she had a sense that this was where she was supposed to be.
A car honked, snapping her out of her thoughts. Her cigarette had burned out; she lit another one. She didn’t really like smoking, and she wasn’t addicted to it, but she kept on doing it anyway, despite all the reasons why she should stop. It was weird, she thought, there really was no reason for her to be smoking. She didn’t do it to relax, she didn’t like the taste, she didn’t really have to money to spend of cigarettes, and yet she continued doing it. She looked around at the people in the park; some people were alone, others were with friends, others appeared to be with a date. She wondered why they were all there, what they all were thinking. Were they looking at her, feeling bad for her because she was alone? Did they wonder why she was just sitting there, with no food, typing away on her computer? Did they even notice her at all? She sighed, took another drag of her cigarette. What did it matter anyway? She was just one person, one single person in a city of over a million people. There was no reason anyone would notice her.
Stop, she told herself. You’re getting depressing. You know better than to start down that path, you’ve been there before. It doesn’t end well. It was true; at that point, she was on three different prescriptions, all for ADD and depression symptoms, and she was sick of it. Half the time she didn’t even take all her pills, just to see what would happen, if anyone would notice. For someone who was so surrounded by people all the time, she felt pretty fucking alone.
One of the Spanish guys left to get more beer; the other one started talking to her. She couldn’t really hear him that well, and she could barely understand him, so she just smiled and nodded and pretended to follow along, hoping he’d eventually get bored and stop talking. It worked; he nodded and looked away, then his friend returned with two more beers.
What am I even doing here, she thought to herself. She hadn’t spoken a word out loud in over an hour. Everyone around her was so loud she didn’t need to speak. Despite all the noise and pandemonium around her, her head was strangely quiet. There wasn’t a focused thought, per se, but her mind was at ease, unfazed by everything happening on the outside. She sighed. Something was missing. She wasn’t exactly unhappy, she just felt somewhat unfulfilled. She was, for the most part, alone, with no one special to share things with or to talk to just because. The closest thing she had was her best friend, who was halfway across the world for the world for the next three months, and even if she wasn’t, she still felt like a burden to her friend. She knew she loved her, but there was still that part of her that felt like she wasn’t deserving of such a good friend and kept trying to find reasons why her friend cared. She was depressed, isolated, a fuckup; why would anyone want her?
You’re doing it again, badmouthing yourself. She stopped her train of thought. Don’t think like that. You are worth something, and people care about you. Stop thinking like that. She tried to listen to her inner voice, but it was hard sometimes. If she was completely honest, she was lonely. Sure, she’d her fair share of guys to fuck around with, plenty of people to hold her and touch her and make her feel beautiful and wanted, but it wasn’t enough. None of them truly satisfied her. They might work temporarily, be good for an orgasm or two when she wanted it, but none of them were what she really needed. She needed someone who really loved her, someone who could see her when she looked and felt her absolute worst and still think she was beautiful. And she didn’t think a guy would ever be enough.
When asked, she told people she was bisexual. That she liked both boys and girls. It wasn’t really a lie, she did like boys, but deep down she knew she would never be truly happy with a man. There was just something about women that excited her, intrigued her, captivated her, and she knew she was going to end up with another girl. Boys were good for a fling, a casual date, a fuck buddy. But girls, they were different. She was totally willing to have the same kind of casual friends-with-benefits relationships she had with guys with girls, but eventually she knew she’d want more. Not from every girl she was with, but someday down the road she’d meet a girl she wanted to be with, and then she could be happy.
She suddenly realized her hand felt warm. She looked down; her cigarette had burned down to the filter. She put it out, considered lighting another, the decided she didn’t really have the energy. She looked around. Some of the people had left, others had come in. The Spanish men were still there, still looking at her and talking to each other, she still didn’t understand what they were saying. The two young men were still playing cards. The guy with the beer had been replaced by some of his friends and a different, equally large bottle of beer. There were some new guys a few tables away leering at her; she pretended she didn’t see them. They called out to her, whistled; she ignored them. She looked back at her computer. Out of the corner of her eye she saw a girl looking at her. She looked up, and gasped. The girl was beautiful. She had light hair that was pulled back and hidden under a baseball cap, and eyes so blue they almost looked purple. She was dressed casually, in a sweatshirt and jeans, but there was a hint of flirtation in the way the shirt was cut. She looked up at the girl and their eyes met. She expected the girl to look away embarrassed at being caught staring, but she held her gaze. The girl didn’t change her expression at all, except for the hint of a smile that crept in as she saw her staring back. Something stirred in the pit of her stomach. She couldn’t quite explain it, but she had a feeling that this girl was going to be important. She raised one eyebrow at the girl; the girl smirked, grabbed her bag and walked over. She sat down, introduced herself, asked her out for coffee. She looked at the girl, impressed, and agreed. She closed her computer and put it away. The girl stood and offered her hand. She took it, and they walked off together towards the Starbucks up the block. While they were walking she looked at the girl and smiled; somehow she didn’t feel so lonely anymore. They had only just met, and it was only coffee, but she had a feeling that this girl could turn out to be something good. She laughed at something the girl said and thought to herself, maybe sitting alone isn’t so bad after all.