Memoirs of a depressed 22 year old...
Do you ever get that feeling that your life has spun out of control? That you no longer have any idea what the hell is going on? That everyone around you seems to be making something of themselves and you're left out in the open, feeling like a total looser. That the way you used to do things have seemed to completely change right before your eyes in rapid time? That you feel more alone than you ever have in your whole entire life when you should be happy that you're back home.
I've been diagnosed with depression and it makes my life at times a living hell. I don't think anyone can truly understand what it's like, purley because depression is a subjective thing and as I always say to people "Everyone gets depressed, but not everyone gets depression". I look back on my old entries and realise how misserable I was up in QLD, nothing seemed to fit in it's right place and nothing went that well for me up there. But why am I so sad? Why do I still have my depression? Why do I feel more alone than I ever have before?
When I left my Law degree, it felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders, I was free from the burdens a law degree brings with it. The constant need to set time to read the material, then to make notes, then to do the questions, then to do the extra reading, it left me with no social life, and lets face it...the social life up in QLD wasnt the best. So I moved back home, sad and uneasy about making the decision because thigns were working out, I had gotten rid of all the negative energy in my life and was starting to actually enjoy myself. I made some great mates for life and built stronger relationships with people. I even went further in my DJ career, DJing once a week at a nightclub on the Gold Coast, things were good.
But I'm a degree bassed person, I need a piece of paper to say "you are now this" and I need to finish uni, so hopefully, if things pan out well thats what will happen next year. Im possitive they will accept me...absolutely possitive.
My return home was hardly met with "open arms" so to speak. Deciding to chuck the towl in for the law degree was one of the hardest decisions iv'e had to make in my life. Something I was so passionate about, I had to get chuck away because I couldn't deal with the study and being depressed all the time, it was making my marks look un-favourable in terms of employment...so there was no point in continuing. It is probably the most unsatisfying thing anyone would have to do, give something up becuase of something they have no control over...
I guess this whole entry stems from one certain person in my life who I hold very high. It just seems that the person I used to know is no longer there. They've changed...completely, and I'm stuck with doing the things we used to do...was I a bad influence in the past? Perhaps I have been. Am I viewed as a spoilt only child that will always have daddy to back me up? Am I being pushed away because I bring negativity to this persons life? I guess I just miss the old times...the excitement of going out...the feeling of being wanted...all that seems to have gone. I've always been a straight up and down guy, be blunt with me cause that's what you'll get from me. But it's not just the big differences that worry me in this whole saga regarding this person, its the little things; the change to lifestyle, the phone calls seem to be dwindling into nothingness where silence seems to be a popular theme of conversation, the excitement is no longer there, the laughter is gone...
With these changes, I am left to believe that I'm left out...and I will be for fear of them falling back into the whole I dragged them into...
Ill conclude by bringing this back to my first line of one's life spinning out of control. I'm spinning...spinning out of control it would seem, but im worried that when it stops, where am i going to be left? Maybe it aleady has stopped and this is why I feel the way I do...
I've been diagnosed with depression and it makes my life at times a living hell. I don't think anyone can truly understand what it's like, purley because depression is a subjective thing and as I always say to people "Everyone gets depressed, but not everyone gets depression". I look back on my old entries and realise how misserable I was up in QLD, nothing seemed to fit in it's right place and nothing went that well for me up there. But why am I so sad? Why do I still have my depression? Why do I feel more alone than I ever have before?
When I left my Law degree, it felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders, I was free from the burdens a law degree brings with it. The constant need to set time to read the material, then to make notes, then to do the questions, then to do the extra reading, it left me with no social life, and lets face it...the social life up in QLD wasnt the best. So I moved back home, sad and uneasy about making the decision because thigns were working out, I had gotten rid of all the negative energy in my life and was starting to actually enjoy myself. I made some great mates for life and built stronger relationships with people. I even went further in my DJ career, DJing once a week at a nightclub on the Gold Coast, things were good.
But I'm a degree bassed person, I need a piece of paper to say "you are now this" and I need to finish uni, so hopefully, if things pan out well thats what will happen next year. Im possitive they will accept me...absolutely possitive.
My return home was hardly met with "open arms" so to speak. Deciding to chuck the towl in for the law degree was one of the hardest decisions iv'e had to make in my life. Something I was so passionate about, I had to get chuck away because I couldn't deal with the study and being depressed all the time, it was making my marks look un-favourable in terms of employment...so there was no point in continuing. It is probably the most unsatisfying thing anyone would have to do, give something up becuase of something they have no control over...
I guess this whole entry stems from one certain person in my life who I hold very high. It just seems that the person I used to know is no longer there. They've changed...completely, and I'm stuck with doing the things we used to do...was I a bad influence in the past? Perhaps I have been. Am I viewed as a spoilt only child that will always have daddy to back me up? Am I being pushed away because I bring negativity to this persons life? I guess I just miss the old times...the excitement of going out...the feeling of being wanted...all that seems to have gone. I've always been a straight up and down guy, be blunt with me cause that's what you'll get from me. But it's not just the big differences that worry me in this whole saga regarding this person, its the little things; the change to lifestyle, the phone calls seem to be dwindling into nothingness where silence seems to be a popular theme of conversation, the excitement is no longer there, the laughter is gone...
With these changes, I am left to believe that I'm left out...and I will be for fear of them falling back into the whole I dragged them into...
Ill conclude by bringing this back to my first line of one's life spinning out of control. I'm spinning...spinning out of control it would seem, but im worried that when it stops, where am i going to be left? Maybe it aleady has stopped and this is why I feel the way I do...