(no subject)
Hi, LJ-Land...
I hope nobody is too offended that I haven't been writing much on here. It's tended to depress me in the past, so I've been avoiding it and trying to be a standable person more often. When I get a better hold on myself, I'll start writing more often.
My boyfriend got really depressed a week or two ago and started talking to me about breaking up, I guess mainly because we're both so miserable all the time. I don't want to break up with him so we talked a lot and kinda re-negotiated some things about our relationship. And I asked him to wait a month or two and see how he feels about things then. Anyway, I'm mentioning this because it kind of woke me up to how I act most of the time and how I've felt like I have no motivation to make my life any better for a while. So, I'm trying to not be so depressing and negative all the time (which is impossible somedays, but that doesn't mean it's an excuse to act like that *all* the time), trying to clean up the room so that it is manageable for the things the both of us would like to do in it, and I am gonna rewrite my resume and start applying for jobs again.
I'm not quite sure what I'm expecting. I just know that I love him and I appreciate that he has put up with so much bs from me. I've actually been wanting our relationship to be more serious for a while now, but I didn't really know what to do or anything... This whole thing has also helped me realize how ocd I can be, in that I try to plan out my entire life to the point where I get so overwhelmed I never do anything or if I do manage to do anything, it can never be good enough to live up to my expectation of the way it "should" be. And that's really not mindful at all and I'm a much happier person on the days I'm able to let that go and just live my life the way it is, so I'm really trying to work on that too, but it's really hard, because that's something I've been doing my entire life and a way I've been encouraged to be since before I was even in kindergarten (for instance, I'm smart, so all my life people have been fantasizing or whatever that I will have some glorious, high-paying job, but the reality of it is that I am not dedicated to anything that makes money and I don't have any self-discipline, so I am not at all ready to pursue anything above an opening level position...). I think this might be the main cause of my anxiety disorder. I need to admit I've been raised into an ego that doesn't fit my whole person and work on breaking it down, I guess. I don't know. Does this make any sense whatsoever?
Also, I need to *actually* go to the freaking doctor. I never get anything done because I never have any energy and I feel sick all the time. I'm sick of being non-functional because of that. So, I guess I'm going to just go and yell at my doctor over and over again until I get an answer on this instead of just being told I'm crazy or lazy or fat or whatever. Find out why I feel like shit every time I eat, no matter what I eat or what my portion size is, because that seems to be when I lose my energy every day. Any time I eat, I feel totally sapped afterwards and sometimes even pass out because of it and this has been going on for years now. I really don't think it is just because of depression and if it is, maybe I should try going on a low dosage of depression medication, because I really can't live this way and I'm sick of having unprofessional doctors who just blow me off whenever I bring up a problem. The reason I've had this PCP for over a year now and still not met her is because I feel like I'm this big burden on the doctor and they're not going to listen to me or believe anything I tell them. I don't think that is how doctors are supposed to make their patients feel. But, regardless, I haven't even given this doctor a chance yet, so I need to get over myself and make an appointment.
Okay, now that I've been staring at this entry for an hour or so I'm gonna click 'post entry'.
I hope nobody is too offended that I haven't been writing much on here. It's tended to depress me in the past, so I've been avoiding it and trying to be a standable person more often. When I get a better hold on myself, I'll start writing more often.
My boyfriend got really depressed a week or two ago and started talking to me about breaking up, I guess mainly because we're both so miserable all the time. I don't want to break up with him so we talked a lot and kinda re-negotiated some things about our relationship. And I asked him to wait a month or two and see how he feels about things then. Anyway, I'm mentioning this because it kind of woke me up to how I act most of the time and how I've felt like I have no motivation to make my life any better for a while. So, I'm trying to not be so depressing and negative all the time (which is impossible somedays, but that doesn't mean it's an excuse to act like that *all* the time), trying to clean up the room so that it is manageable for the things the both of us would like to do in it, and I am gonna rewrite my resume and start applying for jobs again.
I'm not quite sure what I'm expecting. I just know that I love him and I appreciate that he has put up with so much bs from me. I've actually been wanting our relationship to be more serious for a while now, but I didn't really know what to do or anything... This whole thing has also helped me realize how ocd I can be, in that I try to plan out my entire life to the point where I get so overwhelmed I never do anything or if I do manage to do anything, it can never be good enough to live up to my expectation of the way it "should" be. And that's really not mindful at all and I'm a much happier person on the days I'm able to let that go and just live my life the way it is, so I'm really trying to work on that too, but it's really hard, because that's something I've been doing my entire life and a way I've been encouraged to be since before I was even in kindergarten (for instance, I'm smart, so all my life people have been fantasizing or whatever that I will have some glorious, high-paying job, but the reality of it is that I am not dedicated to anything that makes money and I don't have any self-discipline, so I am not at all ready to pursue anything above an opening level position...). I think this might be the main cause of my anxiety disorder. I need to admit I've been raised into an ego that doesn't fit my whole person and work on breaking it down, I guess. I don't know. Does this make any sense whatsoever?
Also, I need to *actually* go to the freaking doctor. I never get anything done because I never have any energy and I feel sick all the time. I'm sick of being non-functional because of that. So, I guess I'm going to just go and yell at my doctor over and over again until I get an answer on this instead of just being told I'm crazy or lazy or fat or whatever. Find out why I feel like shit every time I eat, no matter what I eat or what my portion size is, because that seems to be when I lose my energy every day. Any time I eat, I feel totally sapped afterwards and sometimes even pass out because of it and this has been going on for years now. I really don't think it is just because of depression and if it is, maybe I should try going on a low dosage of depression medication, because I really can't live this way and I'm sick of having unprofessional doctors who just blow me off whenever I bring up a problem. The reason I've had this PCP for over a year now and still not met her is because I feel like I'm this big burden on the doctor and they're not going to listen to me or believe anything I tell them. I don't think that is how doctors are supposed to make their patients feel. But, regardless, I haven't even given this doctor a chance yet, so I need to get over myself and make an appointment.
Okay, now that I've been staring at this entry for an hour or so I'm gonna click 'post entry'.