... screem...
Gahdammit! I am not sick! I'm not, I'm not, I'm not!!! :: cries ::
Nix is being a big baby today. I need love and attention and Brandon works today and I haven't talked to Adrian in a few days. I think cuz his work schedule is screwy, but I am ascared I may have temporarily scared him off or something cuz I got in one of my being-way-too-open-and-honest moods and said something that should have been said in a more eloquent and meaningful manner. God, I hate it when I do that. I don't know why I am so blunt and stupid and weirdly removed/apathetic/whatever-seeming sometimes. I need to grow some fucking social skills.
I went to the Bauhaus concert last night. It was teh awesome. Peter Murphy sings damn good still. They all kicked so much ass and they played a song we didn't recognize. I think it's off of the forthcoming (???) album and I really, really liked it. It was slightly more tinged with industrial but still sounded like classic Bauhaus. The performance was gorgeous, though they didn't play it up much at all. Just played really well and at times, they front-lit Peter Murphy while he was singing and making dramatic arm movements and his shadow showed up really sharply in a bright circle on the back wall of the stage, amid all this smoke/fog they were continuously pumping out of the sides of the stage and it just looked classic and dramatic and beautiful. Of course, it helped that they were playing my favorite venue, Mesa Amphitheatre, which is outdoors, and the grass was green and it was a nice autumny-feeling night and I always feel this nice, friendly, connected vibe from the Bauhaus audience (I say always, yet this was just my second time seeing them...). I'm not sure how to describe it. I just kept thinking, "There's nothing like a Bauhaus concert" and it was all in all a wonderful experience, despite that that was when I got sick (very swiftly, I might add). Oddly enough, clove cigarettes seem to be making me feel better ;)
Yesterday was my second Mindfulness Class. I HATED the first one. ABHORRED(sp?) it. The meditation we do for this class, that we're supposed to be doing every day (whistles innocently) is 45 minutes long and is a body scan. That means it goes something like this, in a very boring, monotonous voice, that we're supposed to stay awake to, for 45 minutes straight (THIS IS A LOT HARDER THAN IT SOUNDS):
'Okay, now I want you to focus on the toes of your left foot. Really feel them. Is there any wetness? Do they feel cramped in your shoe? If you can't feel your toes, concentrate on that feeling. Fully experience not feeling your toes. (and so on for about two minutes) Now I want you to take a deep breath. Carry that breath all the way down, through your chest, and down to your toes. Breathe through your toes. Then, on the exhale, just let your toes go. (repeat x3 or so) Now, move your focus to the bottom of your left foot...'
Me, being the new agey geek that I am, know that this type of meditation is generally intended to be a relaxation meditation. (Which it really is. There's a guy in our class who has used this exact meditation as a way to get over insomnia and fall asleep every night for the past twenty years and he continually passes out like two minutes into the thing.) Well, today they decided to explain further, that we are supposed to be using this meditation to wake ourselves up, instead. So, when I did it yesterday (yes, we have to try to relax and meditate in a room full of about 20 people) I focused on waking up instead of relaxing and experiencing and it actually worked for me. I also feel like it is helping me get over social anxiety in a big way, because I'm starting to realize that most people aren't even competent enough to worry over to the degree I usually do (i.e. I think people are going to harm me in some way or want to fight me, most of the time). I'm also realizing that I try too hard to like everybody and I'm starting to see that strangers aren't as perfect as I envision them and that's okay. It's just how we all are. Like, it's okay for me to look like a dork in public, because really nobody is all that great at socializing and anyone who thinks they are is just full of themselves. I dunno. This probably doesn't sound right outside of my mind... The point is, I think it's starting to help me the way they claim it's supposed to, which is a good thing. It's kind of a pain in the ass, because it means I now feel obligated to do it every single day, but oh well. That was kind of the point of me taking the class anyway. I also noticed, it's the male instructor that I don't really like and was giving me a more negative view of the class. Yesterday, I focused more on the female instructor and talked to her after class, and she's really, really nice (and cute... :: hides ::) and I felt a lot better: calmer, more trusting, accepting, and forgiving of things that irritated me. Which brings me to another odd issue I've noticed in myself...
Before I knew genderqueer existed, I was very untrusting of and typically disliked nearly all females and felt more of a kinship with males. Lately, that's been reversing on me, with most people. I'm not sure what's going on there, except that I feel... I AM male, in my mind, and I feel unaccepted as "one of the boys", except for when people seemingly go out of their way to make me feel better about it. And this is causing me to want to go out and do all these strange stereotypical things, like make myself like beer and learn to fix cars and watch sports... It's really strange. It's like I'm hitting a male mental puberty or something. I've also been catching myself STARING at girls lately, which I haven't done since high school. Okay, even talking about this is making me feel uncomfortable now, so I'm gonna shut up.
Nix is being a big baby today. I need love and attention and Brandon works today and I haven't talked to Adrian in a few days. I think cuz his work schedule is screwy, but I am ascared I may have temporarily scared him off or something cuz I got in one of my being-way-too-open-and-honest moods and said something that should have been said in a more eloquent and meaningful manner. God, I hate it when I do that. I don't know why I am so blunt and stupid and weirdly removed/apathetic/whatever-seeming sometimes. I need to grow some fucking social skills.
I went to the Bauhaus concert last night. It was teh awesome. Peter Murphy sings damn good still. They all kicked so much ass and they played a song we didn't recognize. I think it's off of the forthcoming (???) album and I really, really liked it. It was slightly more tinged with industrial but still sounded like classic Bauhaus. The performance was gorgeous, though they didn't play it up much at all. Just played really well and at times, they front-lit Peter Murphy while he was singing and making dramatic arm movements and his shadow showed up really sharply in a bright circle on the back wall of the stage, amid all this smoke/fog they were continuously pumping out of the sides of the stage and it just looked classic and dramatic and beautiful. Of course, it helped that they were playing my favorite venue, Mesa Amphitheatre, which is outdoors, and the grass was green and it was a nice autumny-feeling night and I always feel this nice, friendly, connected vibe from the Bauhaus audience (I say always, yet this was just my second time seeing them...). I'm not sure how to describe it. I just kept thinking, "There's nothing like a Bauhaus concert" and it was all in all a wonderful experience, despite that that was when I got sick (very swiftly, I might add). Oddly enough, clove cigarettes seem to be making me feel better ;)
Yesterday was my second Mindfulness Class. I HATED the first one. ABHORRED(sp?) it. The meditation we do for this class, that we're supposed to be doing every day (whistles innocently) is 45 minutes long and is a body scan. That means it goes something like this, in a very boring, monotonous voice, that we're supposed to stay awake to, for 45 minutes straight (THIS IS A LOT HARDER THAN IT SOUNDS):
'Okay, now I want you to focus on the toes of your left foot. Really feel them. Is there any wetness? Do they feel cramped in your shoe? If you can't feel your toes, concentrate on that feeling. Fully experience not feeling your toes. (and so on for about two minutes) Now I want you to take a deep breath. Carry that breath all the way down, through your chest, and down to your toes. Breathe through your toes. Then, on the exhale, just let your toes go. (repeat x3 or so) Now, move your focus to the bottom of your left foot...'
Me, being the new agey geek that I am, know that this type of meditation is generally intended to be a relaxation meditation. (Which it really is. There's a guy in our class who has used this exact meditation as a way to get over insomnia and fall asleep every night for the past twenty years and he continually passes out like two minutes into the thing.) Well, today they decided to explain further, that we are supposed to be using this meditation to wake ourselves up, instead. So, when I did it yesterday (yes, we have to try to relax and meditate in a room full of about 20 people) I focused on waking up instead of relaxing and experiencing and it actually worked for me. I also feel like it is helping me get over social anxiety in a big way, because I'm starting to realize that most people aren't even competent enough to worry over to the degree I usually do (i.e. I think people are going to harm me in some way or want to fight me, most of the time). I'm also realizing that I try too hard to like everybody and I'm starting to see that strangers aren't as perfect as I envision them and that's okay. It's just how we all are. Like, it's okay for me to look like a dork in public, because really nobody is all that great at socializing and anyone who thinks they are is just full of themselves. I dunno. This probably doesn't sound right outside of my mind... The point is, I think it's starting to help me the way they claim it's supposed to, which is a good thing. It's kind of a pain in the ass, because it means I now feel obligated to do it every single day, but oh well. That was kind of the point of me taking the class anyway. I also noticed, it's the male instructor that I don't really like and was giving me a more negative view of the class. Yesterday, I focused more on the female instructor and talked to her after class, and she's really, really nice (and cute... :: hides ::) and I felt a lot better: calmer, more trusting, accepting, and forgiving of things that irritated me. Which brings me to another odd issue I've noticed in myself...
Before I knew genderqueer existed, I was very untrusting of and typically disliked nearly all females and felt more of a kinship with males. Lately, that's been reversing on me, with most people. I'm not sure what's going on there, except that I feel... I AM male, in my mind, and I feel unaccepted as "one of the boys", except for when people seemingly go out of their way to make me feel better about it. And this is causing me to want to go out and do all these strange stereotypical things, like make myself like beer and learn to fix cars and watch sports... It's really strange. It's like I'm hitting a male mental puberty or something. I've also been catching myself STARING at girls lately, which I haven't done since high school. Okay, even talking about this is making me feel uncomfortable now, so I'm gonna shut up.