An offer... for me?
So, some of you that receive this probably know that I work at a college - doin' the whole data jockey thing for a company that is on the verge of collapse, and like Atlas - I feel the weight 'erday! Some of the rats jumped ship long ago in search of sanctuary and crumbs. most found what they were looking for, others drowned. Yet, I refused to be a rat - and hunkered down to this autonomous robotic job that pays my bills.
Sometimes I just feel like another cog, other times a sprocket. Sometimes I just want to scream at the rule makers, smash their desks to pieces with their IKEA chairs and set the splinters on fire - then maybe run off into the woods and kill a squirrel with my bare teeth and cook it hunched over a fire that I CREATED by banging random rocks together onto a brush pile, while my Croft & Barrow brand bandana sways in the breeze. But I digress...
A rat called me today and said "Hey, a cog is falling off the axle in two weeks and we were talking and think that you'd fit on that rotating phallus once its clear of debris. Why don't you send us your resume and set up a time to come for an interview? It's nice here, you'd work 8-5 Monday thru Friday and it's pretty much the same as what you are/were doing over there before the great collapse - with the exception that you would handle the incoming and outgoing mail as well. Whaddaya say?"
I thought about it, weighed it and compared it with what I was currently doing and said "Okay, I'll just update my resume, e-mail it over and set up a time next week to come in for an interview. Sound good?" "Oh sure, that would be great, okay then we'll see you next week at 9:30 am on Wednesday."
Now, I am not sure if it is because of something I heard or read from one of my friends or on tha TeeVee or that thar Internets recently - but I got to thinking about how much time a person spends at work, compared to how much time they spend with their friends and family. Then the dread marched in - and the deluge of questions started swirling chaotically around my synapses... I am 28 years old and have a pretty decent grasp on reality as it is today and realized - Woah. I have the upper hand here. The worst thing that could happen is that I waste 30 minutes of my life going to this place and, for once, really test the potentials of a job interview. I think I will open up with a few questions of my own, like:
1) Well, as you can tell by my fleshy appearance, that I am a human. Sometimes life throws a curve ball or a random sour fruit at humans and I just can't help but ask - Does your company have a fall back plan if I were to be bereaved or out sick for a day or two. How would the job get done in my absence, or would I play major catch up when I returned?
2) Are you willing to slap me in the face with a fish at 3pm on Fridays? Remember, I'm the one that is asking the questions at this point, and remind you that this is not a rhetorical question.
3) Are you willing to offer me a salary that is 4k more than what is currently being offered at my current job. I need incentive to provide a service to you.
4) Do you provide 401k and profit sharing, so when I get older and there are no pensions or social security for a retiree to fall back on, I will at least have that to be able to purchase my fertility drugs, lotto tickets, cheap booze and depends?
5) How is your medical and dental insurance - do you cover a pair of prescription glasses or up to 6 boxes of disposable contacts for a person that has less than 20/20 vision, per year?
6) Will you help me eat that fish that you slap me with on Fridays, or are you just going to sit there and ask me stupid questions about it?
7) Will you welcome me into your 'work' family as a brother, slave, or indentured servant?
8) Can I go to your school to advance my education, on your dime? If so - is there a waiting period before I can access that benefit, and would my books be covered?
9) Can you stop staring at my moobs please?
10) Will you find it acceptable for me to come in at 7 and leave at 4 on the first two Tuesdays of the month, so I can rush to feed my sun god tribe?
If anyone has any other things they think I should ask during my interview, or any critique to what I think are the top 10 questions to present to the interviewer during this meeting, I open this discussion to you people out there...aire.... air... er... e... anyone out there?
Sometimes I just feel like another cog, other times a sprocket. Sometimes I just want to scream at the rule makers, smash their desks to pieces with their IKEA chairs and set the splinters on fire - then maybe run off into the woods and kill a squirrel with my bare teeth and cook it hunched over a fire that I CREATED by banging random rocks together onto a brush pile, while my Croft & Barrow brand bandana sways in the breeze. But I digress...
A rat called me today and said "Hey, a cog is falling off the axle in two weeks and we were talking and think that you'd fit on that rotating phallus once its clear of debris. Why don't you send us your resume and set up a time to come for an interview? It's nice here, you'd work 8-5 Monday thru Friday and it's pretty much the same as what you are/were doing over there before the great collapse - with the exception that you would handle the incoming and outgoing mail as well. Whaddaya say?"
I thought about it, weighed it and compared it with what I was currently doing and said "Okay, I'll just update my resume, e-mail it over and set up a time next week to come in for an interview. Sound good?" "Oh sure, that would be great, okay then we'll see you next week at 9:30 am on Wednesday."
Now, I am not sure if it is because of something I heard or read from one of my friends or on tha TeeVee or that thar Internets recently - but I got to thinking about how much time a person spends at work, compared to how much time they spend with their friends and family. Then the dread marched in - and the deluge of questions started swirling chaotically around my synapses... I am 28 years old and have a pretty decent grasp on reality as it is today and realized - Woah. I have the upper hand here. The worst thing that could happen is that I waste 30 minutes of my life going to this place and, for once, really test the potentials of a job interview. I think I will open up with a few questions of my own, like:
1) Well, as you can tell by my fleshy appearance, that I am a human. Sometimes life throws a curve ball or a random sour fruit at humans and I just can't help but ask - Does your company have a fall back plan if I were to be bereaved or out sick for a day or two. How would the job get done in my absence, or would I play major catch up when I returned?
2) Are you willing to slap me in the face with a fish at 3pm on Fridays? Remember, I'm the one that is asking the questions at this point, and remind you that this is not a rhetorical question.
3) Are you willing to offer me a salary that is 4k more than what is currently being offered at my current job. I need incentive to provide a service to you.
4) Do you provide 401k and profit sharing, so when I get older and there are no pensions or social security for a retiree to fall back on, I will at least have that to be able to purchase my fertility drugs, lotto tickets, cheap booze and depends?
5) How is your medical and dental insurance - do you cover a pair of prescription glasses or up to 6 boxes of disposable contacts for a person that has less than 20/20 vision, per year?
6) Will you help me eat that fish that you slap me with on Fridays, or are you just going to sit there and ask me stupid questions about it?
7) Will you welcome me into your 'work' family as a brother, slave, or indentured servant?
8) Can I go to your school to advance my education, on your dime? If so - is there a waiting period before I can access that benefit, and would my books be covered?
9) Can you stop staring at my moobs please?
10) Will you find it acceptable for me to come in at 7 and leave at 4 on the first two Tuesdays of the month, so I can rush to feed my sun god tribe?
If anyone has any other things they think I should ask during my interview, or any critique to what I think are the top 10 questions to present to the interviewer during this meeting, I open this discussion to you people out there...aire.... air... er... e... anyone out there?