(no subject)
Most of the time I do my best to just keep trucking along. But sometimes I have a hard time keeping it together. I was sitting on the couch this afternoon and I just lost it and started crying. I was trying to not upset everyone else in the house, so I covered my face and tried to be quiet. Eventually B asked what was up and I said I was just so tired of not being like other moms. I worry about the girls growing up with a mom who is sick and mentally ill. My cousins wife has a mom who is mentally ill and she often speaks about how hard it was growing up in that household. And it always makes me wonder if my girls secretly think I'm a total loon. I try so hard, but sometimes it's hard to hide when you have OCD, anxiety, and your seeing shit. Thankfully most of the time my OCD's like having to repeat words over and over I do in my head. But even my mom said recently that my schizo "ticks" are more noticeable now. I cover up one ear some times to try to drowned out the voices and I turn my head a lot, because I see things out of the corner of my eyes. It is just a knee jerk reaction to seeing a dark figure coming towards you. Most of the time when I look they are gone, but once in a while they are still there and it's scary as hell. I don't want the kids to know that, that stuff is going on so I try to hide it. They know I'm mentally ill, but I try to keep the details to a minimum for now.
So I just sat on the couch and cried for a bit and told B I was just tired of being sick and missing out on so much. Eventually he told me to get dressed he was taking me to Joann's craft store to get some stuff. I had teasingly asked him where my present was earlier for mother's day. We're both crap at buying each other presents for holidays. It's a weird bad habit we both have. I think it's because we have such different taste that we often aren't sure what to get the other person and don't want to just buy something to be buying something. So we get overwhelmed and end up not getting anything. So I wasn't surprised he didn't have anything for me today. Ariel made me a drawing which was nice. But I was a bit sad too that they didn't really act like anything was special about today. The girls made a big deal about getting flowers for my mom and candy. So I was secretly hoping they would prompt their dad to get me some flowers or something.
I got dressed and got my cane and we hobbled off to Joann's in the 100F degree heat. B's car doesn't have a/c so it felt like an oven. But thankfully it's not to far away. I asked him how much I could spend and he told me to just get a cart and start looking around. I knew they had neon yarn I wanted, so I thought he'd get me a couple skeins of yarn and I'd be happy. Well instead he got me the yarn, a leather holder for my crochet hooks, a plastic container to hold all my double pointed knitting needles, a travel sewing kit that is in a cute padded case, and a knitting and weaving loom set. It was almost a hundred dollars worth of stuff! Eeek! I offered to put stuff back, but he said nope that he was getting it for me. Thankfully I had two coupons, so we got $25 off. But I still felt guilty spending all of that on me. On the way home he stopped and got us all slurpees to try to enjoy in this darn heat.
Before too long it was time for him to go to work. So I just watched movies and worked on crocheting flowers for a shawl I'm making. I'm putting flowers and skulls in it, so I'm making them all separate and then I'm going to crochet them all together some how. I'm sort of just making it up as I go. I'm using the neon colors to make the flowers and OMG it's so bright! I love it. I'm going to make the skulls out of white and then the borders out of a grey sparkly yarn. I'm going to see if I have some white sequins to sew on the skulls around the eyes for a bit of bling too. Perfect for Day of the Dead. Or I might do colored sequins. I'll have to see what each looks like. And maybe some colored thread around the nose hole.
B gets off work in half an hour and I was going to try to stay up to see him. But my stomach is being a pain, so I think it's time to go curl up in bed with a book. I'm sure before too long I'll pass out. I have to start going to sleep earlier, because summer is going to be here soon and I don't want to be sleeping all day when the kids are home. It's fine when they are in school and their dad sees them off in the morning, but I don't want them to feel like I'm ignoring them all summer. Especially since it's so darn hot most of the time, so playing outside isn't always a fun thing to do. I'm already trying to come up with some fun things to do.
So I just sat on the couch and cried for a bit and told B I was just tired of being sick and missing out on so much. Eventually he told me to get dressed he was taking me to Joann's craft store to get some stuff. I had teasingly asked him where my present was earlier for mother's day. We're both crap at buying each other presents for holidays. It's a weird bad habit we both have. I think it's because we have such different taste that we often aren't sure what to get the other person and don't want to just buy something to be buying something. So we get overwhelmed and end up not getting anything. So I wasn't surprised he didn't have anything for me today. Ariel made me a drawing which was nice. But I was a bit sad too that they didn't really act like anything was special about today. The girls made a big deal about getting flowers for my mom and candy. So I was secretly hoping they would prompt their dad to get me some flowers or something.
I got dressed and got my cane and we hobbled off to Joann's in the 100F degree heat. B's car doesn't have a/c so it felt like an oven. But thankfully it's not to far away. I asked him how much I could spend and he told me to just get a cart and start looking around. I knew they had neon yarn I wanted, so I thought he'd get me a couple skeins of yarn and I'd be happy. Well instead he got me the yarn, a leather holder for my crochet hooks, a plastic container to hold all my double pointed knitting needles, a travel sewing kit that is in a cute padded case, and a knitting and weaving loom set. It was almost a hundred dollars worth of stuff! Eeek! I offered to put stuff back, but he said nope that he was getting it for me. Thankfully I had two coupons, so we got $25 off. But I still felt guilty spending all of that on me. On the way home he stopped and got us all slurpees to try to enjoy in this darn heat.
Before too long it was time for him to go to work. So I just watched movies and worked on crocheting flowers for a shawl I'm making. I'm putting flowers and skulls in it, so I'm making them all separate and then I'm going to crochet them all together some how. I'm sort of just making it up as I go. I'm using the neon colors to make the flowers and OMG it's so bright! I love it. I'm going to make the skulls out of white and then the borders out of a grey sparkly yarn. I'm going to see if I have some white sequins to sew on the skulls around the eyes for a bit of bling too. Perfect for Day of the Dead. Or I might do colored sequins. I'll have to see what each looks like. And maybe some colored thread around the nose hole.
B gets off work in half an hour and I was going to try to stay up to see him. But my stomach is being a pain, so I think it's time to go curl up in bed with a book. I'm sure before too long I'll pass out. I have to start going to sleep earlier, because summer is going to be here soon and I don't want to be sleeping all day when the kids are home. It's fine when they are in school and their dad sees them off in the morning, but I don't want them to feel like I'm ignoring them all summer. Especially since it's so darn hot most of the time, so playing outside isn't always a fun thing to do. I'm already trying to come up with some fun things to do.