FANTASY NOVELIST'S EXAM

[russiandancing]

I was bored, sooo I decided to take the fantasy novelist's exam from here for "The Novel WHich Is Yet Unnamed", aka "That One Where The Main CHaracter WOn't Shut Up About Killing People" and "The  One Starring A Character Everyone Hates (Aka Adel)"

The Exam

1. Does nothing happen in the first fifty pages? No, shit happens on the first page! :D
2. Is your main character a young farmhand with mysterious parentage? My main character (Adel) is SO far from a farmhand it is not even funny. (He grew up in a city. I think if he encountered any kind of farm animals he would be very affronted.)
3. Is your main character the heir to the throne but doesn't know it? Nope, he isn't the heir to ANYTHING AT ALL. EVER. He's just a normal guy... with sociopathic tendancies.
4. Is your story about a young character who comes of age, gains great power, and defeats the supreme badguy? -snort- No. He's a young character, but he doesn't "come of age", and he doesn't have great power AT ALL. And the bad guy isn't all that bad, although he is "defeated". Kind of.
5. Is your story about a quest for a magical artifact that will save the world? Nope. No magical artifacts here.
6. How about one that will destroy it? See above.
7. Does your story revolve around an ancient prophecy about "The One" who will save the world and everybody and all the forces of good? Not in the least.
8. Does your novel contain a character whose sole purpose is to show up at random plot points and dispense information? No way, man.
9. Does your novel contain a character that is really a god in disguise? ...no.
10. Is the evil supreme badguy secretly the father of your main character? Haha, no, Adel's father is a businessman.
11. Is the king of your world a kindly king duped by an evil magician? No kings. No magicians.
12. Does "a forgetful wizard" describe any of the characters in your novel? ...no wizards, ahaha.
13. How about "a powerful but slow and kind-hearted warrior"? Nope, there isn't really anyone in my novel who could be considered a "Warrior" anyway.
14. How about "a wise, mystical sage who refuses to give away plot details for his own personal, mysterious reasons"? No. Fucking. Way. No "mysical sages", and the "mysteries" in the book are onyl mysteries because Adel is either too LAZY to figure them out or they just go over his head. Um.
15. Do the female characters in your novel spend a lot of time worrying about how they look, especially when the male main character is around? AHAHAH NO. (Well, I'm sure a few worry about how they look, but there aren't any REAL main female characters, so we don't get into that.) Anyway, it wouldn't matter if they did because Adel isn't interested! :D!!
16. Do any of your female characters exist solely to be captured and rescued? No. No kidnapping/capturing here, and Adel wouldn't rescue them anyway. (Too much danger. He's a lazy bugger.)
17. Do any of your female characters exist solely to embody feminist ideals? Nope.
18. Would "a clumsy cooking wench more comfortable with a frying pan than a sword" aptly describe any of your female characters? I do have domestic female characters... does that amke me ebil? xD
19. Would "a fearless warrioress more comfortable with a sword than a frying pan" aptly describe any of your female characters? Why use swords when you can whip out a gun? Anyway, no real warriors.
20. Is any character in your novel best described as "a dour dwarf"? No dwarves. They freak me out.
21. How about "a half-elf torn between his human and elven heritage"? No elves, either, therefore no half-elves.
22. Did you make the elves and the dwarves great friends, just to be different? Er, there aren't any. Hooray?
23. Does everybody under four feet tall exist solely for comic relief? MIDGETS NEED LOVE TOO.
24. Do you think that the only two uses for ships are fishing and piracy? What ships?
25. Do you not know when the hay baler was invented? ...do I need to? xD I don't really mention anything about hay... like I said, Adel is a city kid.
26. Did you draw a map for your novel which includes places named things like "The Blasted Lands" or "The Forest of Fear" or "The Desert of Desolation" or absolutely anything "of Doom"? No. No no no no no. Everything has a proper name.
27. Does your novel contain a prologue that is impossible to understand until you've read the entire book, if even then? No prologue! Anyway, there aren't any "huge-lifechanging secrets OMGWTFBBQ" that I reveal at all. Um.
28. Is this the first book in a planned trilogy? It's the first book in a planned... first book?
29. How about a quintet or a decalogue? One book. Too many people die at the end of this one, anyway... did I say that? Oops. :P
30. Is your novel thicker than a New York City phone book? Not yet, but with my plot-typing-up skillz it is QUITE POSSIBLE. I promise it'll be interesting!! :D
31. Did absolutely nothing happen in the previous book you wrote, yet you figure you're still many sequels away from finishing your "story"? No previous book.
32. Are you writing prequels to your as-yet-unfinished series of books? No sequels. Like I said... too many deaths.
33. Is your name Robert Jordan and you lied like a dog to get this far? WHUT WHUT WHUT
34. Is your novel based on the adventures of your role-playing group? ...no. The only roleplays I ever did were (in no particular order) about Broadway (I PLAYED SWEENEY TOOD AND HUNG OUT WITH TARZAN AHAHA) and this alternate Hogwarts one (WHICH WE HAVE YET TO FINISH BRIELLE/GRACE/AMY/OTTO.)
35. Does your novel contain characters transported from the real world to a fantasy realm? No. Fucking. Way. Can you say bad fanfiction?
36. Do any of your main characters have apostrophes or dashes in their names? Not without good reason! xD Not in their names, per se, but in their titles...?
37. Do any of your main characters have names longer than three syllables? Nope.
38. Do you see nothing wrong with having two characters from the same small isolated village being named "Tim Umber" and "Belthusalanthalus al'Grinsok"? ...what? That's like Eragon-stylings.
39. Does your novel contain orcs, elves, dwarves, or halflings? No to all fo the above!
40. How about "orken" or "dwerrows"? Wtf are dwerrows? It sounds like an STD...
41. Do you have a race prefixed by "half-"? Nope.
42. At any point in your novel, do the main characters take a shortcut through ancient dwarven mines? No dwarves. Nesides, can you say "UNINHABITIBLE DESERT"?
43. Do you write your battle scenes by playing them out in your favorite RPG? ~*~*TOTALLY*~*~
44. Have you done up game statistics for all of your main characters in your favorite RPG? No.
45. Are you writing a work-for-hire for Wizards of the Coast? WTF.
46. Do inns in your book exist solely so your main characters can have brawls? Inns are for sleeping. And eating.
47. Do you think you know how feudalism worked but really don't? I have no idea how feudalism worked! AT all! SO it won't be in my novel. Um.
48. Do your characters spend an inordinate amount of time journeying from place to place? Kind of. I'll give you that one.
49. Could one of your main characters tell the other characters something that would really help them in their quest but refuses to do so just so it won't break the plot? Nope.
50. Do any of the magic users in your novel cast spells easily identifiable as "fireball" or "lightning bolt"? What spells?
51. Do you ever use the term "mana" in your novel? AHAHAHA.
52. Do you ever use the term "plate mail" in your novel? What is this ARMOR you speak of?
53. Heaven help you, do you ever use the term "hit points" in your novel? ...ew.
54. Do you not realize how much gold actually weighs? No. That's why there's dollar bills!
55. Do you think horses can gallop all day long without rest? No. And what horses, dare I say, do you speak of? (:P)
56. Does anybody in your novel fight for two hours straight in full plate armor, then ride a horse for four hours, then delicately make love to a willing barmaid all in the same day? ...okay, I do not want to think of Adel "delicately making lvoe to a willing barmaid" EVER AGAIN. -bleaches eyes-
57. Does your main character have a magic axe, hammer, spear, or other weapon that returns to him when he throws it? ...do guns return when you throw them? No? There's your answer, then.
58. Does anybody in your novel ever stab anybody with a scimitar? ...no.
59. Does anybody in your novel stab anybody straight through plate armor? What armor?
60. Do you think swords weigh ten pounds or more? I HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE HOW MUCH SWORD WEIGH.
61. Does your hero fall in love with an unattainable woman, whom he later attains? An unattainable woman? Heh. Hehehe. (On another note, one may ask... does Adel ahve to ability to love? THE ANSWER IS PROBABLY NO.)
62. Does a large portion of the humor in your novel consist of puns? ...puns are a no-no.
63. Is your hero able to withstand multiple blows from the fantasy equivalent of a ten pound sledge but is still threatened by a small woman with a dagger? No small women. And no "ten pund sledges". Um.
64. Do you really think it frequently takes more than one arrow in the chest to kill a man? WHAT ARROWS? Who woudl waste their time learning archery when we have such things as GUNS and KITCHEN KNIVES and VELOCIRAPTORS. THERE, I SAID IT, MY NOVEL HAS ~*~*VELOCIRAPTORS*~*~. (kinda)
65. Do you not realize it takes hours to make a good stew, making it a poor choice for an "on the road" meal? Um, I have made stew before, thanks. And if he needs food Adel can just STOP AND GET FAST FOOD. HOW ABOUT IT.
66. Do you have nomadic barbarians living on the tundra and consuming barrels and barrels of mead? I do have a nomadic tribe or two! :D! But they're gypsies. And they don't get drunk all the time...
67. Do you think that "mead" is just a fancy name for "beer"? Er, no?
68. Does your story involve a number of different races, each of which has exactly one country, one ruler, and one religion? Haha, nope. It's diverse.
69. Is the best organized and most numerous group of people in your world the thieves' guild? Nope. The most organized is- you guessed it!- the government. Probably.
70. Does your main villain punish insignificant mistakes with death? Ahaha, no, he's too much of a wimp. That's dumb, anyway.
71. Is your story about a crack team of warriors that take along a bard who is useless in a fight, though he plays a mean lute? I WISH. I WISH NO BADLY I COULD WRITE IN A BARD.
72. Is "common" the official language of your world? Nope.
73. Is the countryside in your novel littered with tombs and gravesites filled with ancient magical loot that nobody thought to steal centuries before? ...like in Final Fantasy?
74. Is your book basically a rip-off of The Lord of the Rings? Hm, let's see... my main character is totally human and AVERAGE HEIGHT UNLIKE A HOBBIT, he carries a gun, not a sword, there are no hobbits, dwarves, elves, or magicians, and there is no one ring. THERE ARE NO RINGS AT ALL. THEY HURT ADEL'S FINGERS.
75. Read that question again and answer truthfully. I'm not Christopher Paolini. xD