i am still here
I took a hiatus from the internet, well I stopped blogging.Lots has happened since then, go figure. I shall describe the year in three parts.
2008:
January-April
I changed my major and this term began taking the proper courses. However, drug addiction and depression can lead to horrible outcomes. I was consumed within a unhealthy relationship, whom of both are addicts and mentally unhealthy people. I have no diagnosis nor a mental disorder. However, my mother was still in jail and I rarely had any contact with her at this time. I lost A LOT of friends. Started a new job on campus, I am still employed there. My identity did not exists, I did what others did. From lose of my family and friends and living here in Tampa took a toll on my health (mentally and physically). I did horrible in classes and deserved every failing grade I received. I was to blame for it all. I hit the year anniversary of a relationship, hey it was my first. I grew to distrust many people. I went through a situation of hitting debt and fear of homelessness. I had no place to go home to after the Spring semester, and I was done living in the dorms. I wanted a place where I knew I was always welcomed and can call my own. My aunt and uncle in Spring Hill stopped talking to me months ago, my mother was still in jail or living with others, and no way would I be welcomed at my Grandfather's home. I was living in a dilemma in my life. This and many problems were given my full attention when I really should of went to class and did the fucking assignments (sorry, I still hate myself for what i did academically). April ended with uncertainty to life....
May-August:
This was a block for my life. I am going to be honest, I actually hold little memory of events during this time due to heavy abuse to xanax. As the semester was coming to a close, so were residency in the dorms. Originally, I had planned months ago with my friend Dave to look into an apartment at this time. However, I needed someone to co-sign for an apartment, my credit is not strong enough. Dilemma! My mother has horrible credit and I have no other close family relatives who would help me. After some weeks of ignoring Dave, which was painful, of this embarassing news he visted me at my job. I came clean about this problem and how it consumed my fears and worries every waking moment I live. After tears and me rambling about the horrible luck I have in life, Dave offered to loan me the money so nonchalant. I wound up getting the apartment without a co-signer (which is helping my credit!) By September I paid Dave back in full. My summer I had moved into my first apartment, had repairs done to my car ( I hated this beast), and was content for the first time in months. Why are good stories so short? Jon broke up with me in a car ride at 1:30 am. I will never forget it, I am sure he has. I am not going to get into discussion of his words and how I felt. After what I sought to be a foundation in my life (Jon), once he left everything crumbled, again. I started off Summer courses on a optimistic and striving look. Now I was lifeless and depressed to care about anything. I layed in bed for days with muscle aches, anxiety, no food, not sleeping for days, drinking alcohol, more abuse to xanax, wasting money, and develop cyclic vomiting syndrome, yay. Tanvi and Dave comforted me at this time, I still had people that cared. Now being single and summer I had all the time in the world to think. I began reevaluating a lot in my life. I was not a happy person and the world was dead to me. Being in college I was never single and did everything on his time and terms. I was given this new freedom in doing whatever I want. I was sligthly uncomfortable with given the freedom of choice ( I know its weird) Well for one I want to clarify I was not in a controlling/abusive relationship. I was more of the submissive one in the relationship and we did everything together. I saw a lot of friends I made in college and did a lot of drugs. The drugs stayed but all those "friends" were just celebrating their last summer here at USF. From lack of dedication for school, all these people had to move back due to grades, money, or a BIG combination of both. This was my future and I knew it. I needed to do something quick to save myself.
August- Now
I purposely took a workload with classes and filled the rest of my time with working or sleeping. Oh, my favorite activity is sleep. I took a different outlook on life and going to do what I need to do. I think fear of failure was a source of empowerment to keep going on this path in college and do something with my life. After these past two years I was still here and came this far. It made me feel slightly happy. Life lacked much social contact and I really liked the solitude. I was in constant worry about my car, it was not necessary "street-legal". It was in my mother's name and she had a suspended license. The tags were about to expire and I was worried we would not be able to get new ones with my mother's lovely driving record. I need a car and the idea of living without one started to get the best of me. well... my mother's friend bought me a car. yeah, he bought me a car. Instantly stress left me and life gradually developed more order.
Life created new stressors but ones that did not entitle any form of anxiety and fear of waking up the next day. Rather life was accustomed to the daily routine of classes, sleep, then off to work.
I grew a little lonely in the start of autumn and set out to be more social. Rather than making new friends, wounds have not healed, I became reacquainted with old ones and even my sisters. we all had our pasts with one another but one thing we have done is....grow up. We all got that hit with reality that "you need to do something with your life". I am happy to be with all the loved ones I have known for years. Yet, there is a deep change within myself. I have become such a private person and I was never a private person. I do not open up to anyone anymore I believe there is no point to open up. I have a problem that I need to fix. It also has something to do with my mistrust in others, especially new people.
Around my 21st birthday I almost gave up on two friendships with two people who I owe my life to, literally. My main annoyances in life are my roommates, and I learned from living with Dave that I may need to live with strangers or alone. I always had the loner persona.
Personally, I believe I have changed and changed for the good. I still smoke cigarettes and weed but it has no interference with my life. From having two unhealthy habits I have taken changes with my diet and outlook on things. I do not drink soda or alcohol, exercise (yes exercise), eat low fat food, and the results have been great! I feel a sense of success and control over my life. My grades are superb, I know I am a smart girl. From being a failure the previous year I have prolonged my stay at USF. Technically, I should be graduating in a year, it is definitely going to take 2 to 2 1/2 more years until I finally graduate. It saddens me a little but I will get there! I will be coming up on a year working at The C-Store. Originally, I decided to quit there after this semester. I wanted to go into a two week course for CNA and find a part-time job doing that on the weekends. It would be so beneficial for me to get into this and get the hell out of retail and customer service, ugh! My Spring schedule is jammed pack which needs a lot of my focus. Thus, I have decided to stay with my job for one more semester. The summer also lets me focus on getting my CNA license.
I have not met anyone new and have no intentions on dating anytime soon. This always surprises people and this surprises me! If that guy comes around then he comes around. In between that time school, work, and friends keep me content.
I do not know what else to say. I am little hesitant to even post this after writing it all. I said a lot about my personal life, then again I really did not.
2008:
January-April
I changed my major and this term began taking the proper courses. However, drug addiction and depression can lead to horrible outcomes. I was consumed within a unhealthy relationship, whom of both are addicts and mentally unhealthy people. I have no diagnosis nor a mental disorder. However, my mother was still in jail and I rarely had any contact with her at this time. I lost A LOT of friends. Started a new job on campus, I am still employed there. My identity did not exists, I did what others did. From lose of my family and friends and living here in Tampa took a toll on my health (mentally and physically). I did horrible in classes and deserved every failing grade I received. I was to blame for it all. I hit the year anniversary of a relationship, hey it was my first. I grew to distrust many people. I went through a situation of hitting debt and fear of homelessness. I had no place to go home to after the Spring semester, and I was done living in the dorms. I wanted a place where I knew I was always welcomed and can call my own. My aunt and uncle in Spring Hill stopped talking to me months ago, my mother was still in jail or living with others, and no way would I be welcomed at my Grandfather's home. I was living in a dilemma in my life. This and many problems were given my full attention when I really should of went to class and did the fucking assignments (sorry, I still hate myself for what i did academically). April ended with uncertainty to life....
May-August:
This was a block for my life. I am going to be honest, I actually hold little memory of events during this time due to heavy abuse to xanax. As the semester was coming to a close, so were residency in the dorms. Originally, I had planned months ago with my friend Dave to look into an apartment at this time. However, I needed someone to co-sign for an apartment, my credit is not strong enough. Dilemma! My mother has horrible credit and I have no other close family relatives who would help me. After some weeks of ignoring Dave, which was painful, of this embarassing news he visted me at my job. I came clean about this problem and how it consumed my fears and worries every waking moment I live. After tears and me rambling about the horrible luck I have in life, Dave offered to loan me the money so nonchalant. I wound up getting the apartment without a co-signer (which is helping my credit!) By September I paid Dave back in full. My summer I had moved into my first apartment, had repairs done to my car ( I hated this beast), and was content for the first time in months. Why are good stories so short? Jon broke up with me in a car ride at 1:30 am. I will never forget it, I am sure he has. I am not going to get into discussion of his words and how I felt. After what I sought to be a foundation in my life (Jon), once he left everything crumbled, again. I started off Summer courses on a optimistic and striving look. Now I was lifeless and depressed to care about anything. I layed in bed for days with muscle aches, anxiety, no food, not sleeping for days, drinking alcohol, more abuse to xanax, wasting money, and develop cyclic vomiting syndrome, yay. Tanvi and Dave comforted me at this time, I still had people that cared. Now being single and summer I had all the time in the world to think. I began reevaluating a lot in my life. I was not a happy person and the world was dead to me. Being in college I was never single and did everything on his time and terms. I was given this new freedom in doing whatever I want. I was sligthly uncomfortable with given the freedom of choice ( I know its weird) Well for one I want to clarify I was not in a controlling/abusive relationship. I was more of the submissive one in the relationship and we did everything together. I saw a lot of friends I made in college and did a lot of drugs. The drugs stayed but all those "friends" were just celebrating their last summer here at USF. From lack of dedication for school, all these people had to move back due to grades, money, or a BIG combination of both. This was my future and I knew it. I needed to do something quick to save myself.
August- Now
I purposely took a workload with classes and filled the rest of my time with working or sleeping. Oh, my favorite activity is sleep. I took a different outlook on life and going to do what I need to do. I think fear of failure was a source of empowerment to keep going on this path in college and do something with my life. After these past two years I was still here and came this far. It made me feel slightly happy. Life lacked much social contact and I really liked the solitude. I was in constant worry about my car, it was not necessary "street-legal". It was in my mother's name and she had a suspended license. The tags were about to expire and I was worried we would not be able to get new ones with my mother's lovely driving record. I need a car and the idea of living without one started to get the best of me. well... my mother's friend bought me a car. yeah, he bought me a car. Instantly stress left me and life gradually developed more order.
Life created new stressors but ones that did not entitle any form of anxiety and fear of waking up the next day. Rather life was accustomed to the daily routine of classes, sleep, then off to work.
I grew a little lonely in the start of autumn and set out to be more social. Rather than making new friends, wounds have not healed, I became reacquainted with old ones and even my sisters. we all had our pasts with one another but one thing we have done is....grow up. We all got that hit with reality that "you need to do something with your life". I am happy to be with all the loved ones I have known for years. Yet, there is a deep change within myself. I have become such a private person and I was never a private person. I do not open up to anyone anymore I believe there is no point to open up. I have a problem that I need to fix. It also has something to do with my mistrust in others, especially new people.
Around my 21st birthday I almost gave up on two friendships with two people who I owe my life to, literally. My main annoyances in life are my roommates, and I learned from living with Dave that I may need to live with strangers or alone. I always had the loner persona.
Personally, I believe I have changed and changed for the good. I still smoke cigarettes and weed but it has no interference with my life. From having two unhealthy habits I have taken changes with my diet and outlook on things. I do not drink soda or alcohol, exercise (yes exercise), eat low fat food, and the results have been great! I feel a sense of success and control over my life. My grades are superb, I know I am a smart girl. From being a failure the previous year I have prolonged my stay at USF. Technically, I should be graduating in a year, it is definitely going to take 2 to 2 1/2 more years until I finally graduate. It saddens me a little but I will get there! I will be coming up on a year working at The C-Store. Originally, I decided to quit there after this semester. I wanted to go into a two week course for CNA and find a part-time job doing that on the weekends. It would be so beneficial for me to get into this and get the hell out of retail and customer service, ugh! My Spring schedule is jammed pack which needs a lot of my focus. Thus, I have decided to stay with my job for one more semester. The summer also lets me focus on getting my CNA license.
I have not met anyone new and have no intentions on dating anytime soon. This always surprises people and this surprises me! If that guy comes around then he comes around. In between that time school, work, and friends keep me content.
I do not know what else to say. I am little hesitant to even post this after writing it all. I said a lot about my personal life, then again I really did not.