HILARIOUS
Heavens gate
In heaven, there are two gates for married men: The gate for married men that say that they are the boss, and; the gate for married men who admit that their wife is the boss. Saint Peter was strolling near the two gates one afternoon. In front of the gate for married men who admit that their wife is the boss, was a big long line. In front of the gate for men who say that they are the boss was one fellow, standing all by himself. "Say Buddy, what are you doing over by THAT gate?" inquired Saint Peter. "Well, Saint Peter, I'm really not sure," replied the man "but this is where my wife told me to stand."
How wonderful you are
Dear Sam,
I'm writing to say that I realize our divorce was entirely my fault. I still love you. I want you to know that if I ever get the chance, I would make it all up to you by being the most perfect wife you could ever hope to have. I finally realize how wonderful you are and how stupid I was to lose you.
(Signed) Louise
P.S. Congratulations on winning the lottery.
Talking Dog
A man tried to sell his neighbor a new dog. "This is a talking dog," he said.
"And you can have him for five dollars."
The neighbor said, "Who do you think you're kidding with this talking-dog stuff? There ain't no such animal."
Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. "Please buy me, Sir," he pleaded. "This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me, never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten times."
"Hey!" said the neighbor. "He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five dollars?"
"Because," said the seller, "I'm getting tired of all his lies”.
Panda
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.
As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves".
Guilty Found
'What's the difference between a shower curtain and a toilet paper?'
'I don't know.'
'Oh, so it was you!'