(no subject)
So Last night I couldn't fall asleep at all. Even though I was incredibly tired. No idea why either. Eventually I got some shut eye though.
The sleep was ok. Sort of restless, but at least it was some.
Then I woke up to thoughts about where my life is. In obvious terms everything is easily solved and figured out. Nevertheless, I woke up feeling like I haven't really accomplished anything in graduating college. This lead to thoughts about how I could possibly just be another loser that contributes nothing to the world. Even though this is not true because I plan on getting a teaching credential and doing what I've wanted to do since starting at VC. Regardless of this obvious and very acheivable goal I still felt as though I was a failure that will never be able to accomplish the goal. Then I started freaking out because, for some reason, I imagined myself being stuck in the job at CMH becuase I need the money to pay off bills and such. But in hindsight, I'm not trapped, I can quit anytime I want and go back to school to work on my teaching goal. Then I started thinking about how fast time has gone by since I graduated. And it depressed me because I'm going to be 27 soon and I was trying to think about what I've done. And how it measures up to the expectations I have for myself. And I ended up being very hard on myself.
Like I said, all of these worries, easily fixed with drive, ambition, effort, and a general sense of knowing that I'm not a total loser. I mean fuck, I did all the work to get my B.A. in philosophy in a year and a quarter. But sometimes getting ahold of these ideas is a little easier said than done. Feeling like the walls are closing in sucks. I'll get through it though and probably start feeling better by this afternoon.
I'm actually already starting to feel better by just using this medium to work out all my thoughts and get them out of my system.
The sleep was ok. Sort of restless, but at least it was some.
Then I woke up to thoughts about where my life is. In obvious terms everything is easily solved and figured out. Nevertheless, I woke up feeling like I haven't really accomplished anything in graduating college. This lead to thoughts about how I could possibly just be another loser that contributes nothing to the world. Even though this is not true because I plan on getting a teaching credential and doing what I've wanted to do since starting at VC. Regardless of this obvious and very acheivable goal I still felt as though I was a failure that will never be able to accomplish the goal. Then I started freaking out because, for some reason, I imagined myself being stuck in the job at CMH becuase I need the money to pay off bills and such. But in hindsight, I'm not trapped, I can quit anytime I want and go back to school to work on my teaching goal. Then I started thinking about how fast time has gone by since I graduated. And it depressed me because I'm going to be 27 soon and I was trying to think about what I've done. And how it measures up to the expectations I have for myself. And I ended up being very hard on myself.
Like I said, all of these worries, easily fixed with drive, ambition, effort, and a general sense of knowing that I'm not a total loser. I mean fuck, I did all the work to get my B.A. in philosophy in a year and a quarter. But sometimes getting ahold of these ideas is a little easier said than done. Feeling like the walls are closing in sucks. I'll get through it though and probably start feeling better by this afternoon.
I'm actually already starting to feel better by just using this medium to work out all my thoughts and get them out of my system.