(no subject)
1. It's time to declare the end to procrastination. I'm guilty of the following:
i. having a bathroom without a mirror and towel rack... for two weeks already since moving in
ii. only unpacking one suitcase out of three. One of the two remaining suitcases has never been unpacked since I returned from New York, 24th December 2006. (the "Hey, they're winter clothes" excuse)
iii. staying away from any physical activity because of the rather serious case of shin-splints I still have. I can swim but have been putting it off... since October
iv. being lazy to reply to a flood of exco emails from the CCA at school.
v. having another 1,127 unread (mostly) junky mail from my gmail inbox, and not answering several "hello, how are you" emails from the exchange gang.
2. While updating some audit work papers in front of the telly tonight, it suddenly hit me that after all the emotional churning that goes on in this little dishwasher soul I have, nothing I could have done would have made nary a difference. Interesting prospect or not, sometimes the guy upstairs does things to you and you can't understand why; except know that it hurts, especially when you are alone, in front of the telly eating junk food.
The irony of it is that to do better "next time" is to want less than nothing, which makes my head hurt a little. It frightens me, too, because it is not that I want nothing or less... but that what I want is to "feel more content that I have ever been". But there is no guide. "No ready made 30 year plan, no easy, obvious milestones".
So each time, I try to rationalize. I end up sitting longer in front of the telly, replaying scenes over and over in my head, wondering what if this, what if that. A whole lot of selfish, jealous what ifs and a lot of why this, why that, why can't it be? And how would it have been had I been this or that... or any of the infinite combinations...
Better to just keep it simple, silly? Just conclude that I had no choice but to feel the way I felt and just let whatever will be...? Not a coward's stance, but a pragmatic realization? The last part is feeling satisfied with this realization, but it feels frightfully cold and empty.
Sorry if this is a little riddle-like.
i. having a bathroom without a mirror and towel rack... for two weeks already since moving in
ii. only unpacking one suitcase out of three. One of the two remaining suitcases has never been unpacked since I returned from New York, 24th December 2006. (the "Hey, they're winter clothes" excuse)
iii. staying away from any physical activity because of the rather serious case of shin-splints I still have. I can swim but have been putting it off... since October
iv. being lazy to reply to a flood of exco emails from the CCA at school.
v. having another 1,127 unread (mostly) junky mail from my gmail inbox, and not answering several "hello, how are you" emails from the exchange gang.
2. While updating some audit work papers in front of the telly tonight, it suddenly hit me that after all the emotional churning that goes on in this little dishwasher soul I have, nothing I could have done would have made nary a difference. Interesting prospect or not, sometimes the guy upstairs does things to you and you can't understand why; except know that it hurts, especially when you are alone, in front of the telly eating junk food.
The irony of it is that to do better "next time" is to want less than nothing, which makes my head hurt a little. It frightens me, too, because it is not that I want nothing or less... but that what I want is to "feel more content that I have ever been". But there is no guide. "No ready made 30 year plan, no easy, obvious milestones".
So each time, I try to rationalize. I end up sitting longer in front of the telly, replaying scenes over and over in my head, wondering what if this, what if that. A whole lot of selfish, jealous what ifs and a lot of why this, why that, why can't it be? And how would it have been had I been this or that... or any of the infinite combinations...
Better to just keep it simple, silly? Just conclude that I had no choice but to feel the way I felt and just let whatever will be...? Not a coward's stance, but a pragmatic realization? The last part is feeling satisfied with this realization, but it feels frightfully cold and empty.
Sorry if this is a little riddle-like.