....I just love Joe and I thought I would share with my future grandchildren...

[ruquia]

I'm absolutley convinced that Joe is the only one I cannot stand to be without. It physically hurts a little every time there is an awkward situation, such as my desire to have other male friends. It makes Joe nervous, and only if it's a new male friend, which didn't make much sense to me then but now it does. I hung out with another guy and it sort of occurred to me that there always is that awkward sexual tension. Like that sitting too close to another person who is not your significant other. Which I hate. I cannot stand it on the train or anywhere. I like count to ten and wait for the feeling to go away, but I eventually have to get up and wander around because I can't stand to touch anyone unless it is Joe. Like it disgusts me. Like I had to hug another male. Fucking gross. I know that's dumb, and doesn't make much sense, but it makes me cringe and feel nauseated. I feel bad, but it's true. I hung out with someone as just a friend and had the biggest fucking migrane after half an hour. I like made up lies in order to leave. I hate lying.
I just can't do "that" thing where you are friends with someone whom you can potentially form a sexual partnership with. It's true. I can't do it. Perhaps other people can. I can't. At least not anymore which is strange. Joe makes me cry everyday because I don't think anyone has truly loved me until now.