(no subject)
(*when we were little, we all wanted to grow up so fast... now that we're older... we're longing for the past*)
not alot of people know or pay attention to it.. but i'll be 17 in 9 days.. and i'm not that excited about it... but i can't wait for it to come... i just wanna be around all of my friends when i turn 17, but considering it's on a tuesday and we have school all week i dunno when i'm gonna be able to hang out with my friends... i want everyone of my friends to be there... every one of them.... i know that like 5 can't come for sure... but i dunno... i wish they were here... in fact that's what i want for my birthday... i want all my true friends to be here with me...that would be so amazing...but i know no one will be able to... no one will want to come be with me :-( and that makes me saddish..i'm not allowed to have a party, or at least have my rents organize it anyways..but not alot of people came to the last ones so... i don't see how it'd be different.. but yea... i want all my friends to be around me... i dont have family anymore... it's all disfunctional and shat. can stand the stepdad but who can nowadays... but yea...idk anymore.. everything's getting so screwed up.. i want to have everything planned out, so i know what the hell im doing, then it gets messed up and i'm so lost...idk anymore...i feel like im nothing but trouble... and i dunno... and i feel like i grew up way too fast.. my mom told me i had to stay a virgin at least til im 18... thats like a year away... and i cant even find a steady boyfriend... i cant even find a prom date for goodness sakes...
but all of that doesn't matter..
because no matter what, i'll always remember the time of my life when it felt the most perfect... the most right... it still feels right... even tho it's gone now... there's no going back... i can't get him back... and it's like... all i ever wanted.. all i really want now...and forever to be honest.. i dunno what to do to keep him here. he isn't even here what the hell.. idk.. idc.. it may seem wrong but it felt so right..and it still feels sooo right... i want him back...i miss him so much.... no one knows how much... like its not an emptiness like it was before... it more like i have hope helll come back..i have hope he will...i haven't talked toh im in soo long it feels like centuries...damn i miss that guy...i'm neglecting to mention the name because if you know me then it's obvious. and redundant. but idc, cuz it's my journal and i'll rant and rave about people if i want.
lol, sorry, got pissed off for a minute.heh
sometimes i'm glad i joined the team of trainers for wrestling. i know yesterday i was pissed off, and just being there with people i knew for different school thaT i was talking to made me feel better, plus i was happy cuz i was laughing metting new and interesting people. and no, guys in sppandex with nice 6 pack abs don't distract me.. i'm not as sick minded as everyone thinks. it's like the whole team is like my brothers. everyone is unique and different and nice in their own ways. couldnt ask for a sillier bunch of guys. but they're cool. Kiwanis was fun yesterday. can't wait til OVAC's cuz i get to meet more new people. it's nice meeting new people and making new friends.
.....
my room smells like hot topic, and i like it.
(*thought i'd throw some randomness in there*)
anyways, i think i'm done updating for a while, at least for today.
feel inclined to leave a comment, i know i'd appreciate it.*wink*
not alot of people know or pay attention to it.. but i'll be 17 in 9 days.. and i'm not that excited about it... but i can't wait for it to come... i just wanna be around all of my friends when i turn 17, but considering it's on a tuesday and we have school all week i dunno when i'm gonna be able to hang out with my friends... i want everyone of my friends to be there... every one of them.... i know that like 5 can't come for sure... but i dunno... i wish they were here... in fact that's what i want for my birthday... i want all my true friends to be here with me...that would be so amazing...but i know no one will be able to... no one will want to come be with me :-( and that makes me saddish..i'm not allowed to have a party, or at least have my rents organize it anyways..but not alot of people came to the last ones so... i don't see how it'd be different.. but yea... i want all my friends to be around me... i dont have family anymore... it's all disfunctional and shat. can stand the stepdad but who can nowadays... but yea...idk anymore.. everything's getting so screwed up.. i want to have everything planned out, so i know what the hell im doing, then it gets messed up and i'm so lost...idk anymore...i feel like im nothing but trouble... and i dunno... and i feel like i grew up way too fast.. my mom told me i had to stay a virgin at least til im 18... thats like a year away... and i cant even find a steady boyfriend... i cant even find a prom date for goodness sakes...
but all of that doesn't matter..
because no matter what, i'll always remember the time of my life when it felt the most perfect... the most right... it still feels right... even tho it's gone now... there's no going back... i can't get him back... and it's like... all i ever wanted.. all i really want now...and forever to be honest.. i dunno what to do to keep him here. he isn't even here what the hell.. idk.. idc.. it may seem wrong but it felt so right..and it still feels sooo right... i want him back...i miss him so much.... no one knows how much... like its not an emptiness like it was before... it more like i have hope helll come back..i have hope he will...i haven't talked toh im in soo long it feels like centuries...damn i miss that guy...i'm neglecting to mention the name because if you know me then it's obvious. and redundant. but idc, cuz it's my journal and i'll rant and rave about people if i want.
lol, sorry, got pissed off for a minute.heh
sometimes i'm glad i joined the team of trainers for wrestling. i know yesterday i was pissed off, and just being there with people i knew for different school thaT i was talking to made me feel better, plus i was happy cuz i was laughing metting new and interesting people. and no, guys in sppandex with nice 6 pack abs don't distract me.. i'm not as sick minded as everyone thinks. it's like the whole team is like my brothers. everyone is unique and different and nice in their own ways. couldnt ask for a sillier bunch of guys. but they're cool. Kiwanis was fun yesterday. can't wait til OVAC's cuz i get to meet more new people. it's nice meeting new people and making new friends.
.....
my room smells like hot topic, and i like it.
(*thought i'd throw some randomness in there*)
anyways, i think i'm done updating for a while, at least for today.
feel inclined to leave a comment, i know i'd appreciate it.*wink*