dedicated to k.e.u. upon her request. in revolt, with admiration.
I'm alone. There's a blue light in this bathroom. Gorgeous blue. I've been in here for at least fourteen minutes, soaking in the blue. It bounces off black tile walls, sitting between the creases, a solace imbedded in black squares. This is the third bar I've been in tonight and the third bathroom. Why do I stay? I've used the utilities. I look at myself in the mirror. Beautiful blue. We compliment each other, you and me. Stay with me blue. Light me always. I wonder how my abdominal muscles would look under your blue gaze. I wouldn't dare. I do. Cursed blue. You've forsaken me my beloved. I should drink less. Calories.
There's a knock at the door. "Just a minute!" I shout over my shoulder. I run the water.
"Come on!" A voice comes through the door.
"I'll kill you!" I don't mean it.
"Come on." Again.
"Fine. I'll just stop in the middle." I yell, turning the water off. I open the door. The man outside is short and small. I'm tall and large. Realizing this I hold the moment. "Come on." He says again. I walk past him and shrug my shoulders. He goes in and shuts the door. "I'll kill you." I mutter, hoping he didn't hear me. I walk up to the bar and knock on the counter twice.
"Gimme a beer."
The bartender is as tall and lanky as I am, with pigtails.
"Three bucks." He says.
I toss some money on the counter. "Keep the change." There wasn't any.
I rest my troubles on a stool. A full pint sits in front of me. We've got unfinished business, you and I. The stories we'll never tell. Across from me, at the far end of the bar against the front window sits a girl. She has brown hair. It looks washed. Everything about her screams out cleanliness. I look at her long enough to make it obvious. She glances, but with apathy. I raise my beer to her, toasting the ambiguouty or lack of a moment. She's not looking. I continue to hold the glass up, waiting for her to acknowledge my charity. She doesn't look.
"Something wrong with your beer?" The bartender interupts.
"What?"
"Is there something wrong with your beer?"
"Oh. No. I was just weighing it. It's full."
He nods and goes back to his magazine. Time waits for no man. I grab my sweating glass and lead it two bar stools over to my left. What a knock out. High maintenaince maybe, but beautiful.
"Full moon out."
"What?" She asks, her hair rising and falling with the movement of her head.
"Supposed to be a full moon, I think."
"Oh."
The guy from the bathroom comes walking up. He looks at me out of the corner of his eye and sits close to the brown haired girl. She kisses him on the cheek. He glances at me again. I lift my glass for a moment then let it rest on the bar.
"Don't be jealous. We were just discussing the moon."
"I'm not jealous." He says and looks back at his girl.
"It's supposed to be full tonight." I go on. He nods.
"I don't know about you but that's Goddamed fascinating to me." I take a large sip of my beverage, getting about halfway through the pint. I take a good look at the two of them. He seems terribly clean as well. These two probably just shower all day. Everything bounces. It shines.
"Do I know you guys from somewhere?"
"I don't know." He says.
"I wasn't asking you." I answer and finish my pint. "Can I get a refill?" I ask the bartender. He casually lowers his magazine and goes to get me another beer. He acts as if he's doing me a huge favor. As if I got him on break. A half smoked cigarette prematurely extinguished. "Don't go out of your way, me and my friends here are just trying to have a relaxing night." I tip my head towards the two snow whites. "Let me get you guys a drink."
"That's ok."
"Come on. It's a full moon. Don't know about you but that's just about as fascinating as it gets to me."
He looks at her. She looks at him.
"Come on. Let me do you a favor. Fill up your tank. Give you another chance to give some other poor guy hell in the can."
"You were in there forever."
"Make it two more beers. My friends are thirsty." I say to the bartender. He looks at the guy and girl to check my story. The guy waves his hand in the air, giving in. No one can turn down a free drink. The barkeeps pigtails roll around his shoulders as he turns.
"What're your names?"
"Rachel."
"Adam."
"Hey me too. Adam."
The beers come and we toast. There's something awkward in the clinking of glasses. A lack of eye contact. No familiarity. I look away and stare at my glass. Why does inspiration seem to come with inbalance and social anxiety. I want to get away from here so I can write it down. Thinking of things as words on a page instead of the actual moment in which I exist. I turn to the girl with bouncing brown hair.
"Fragile fleeting moment
is this love
as it dies."
"What?" Adam asks.
"As leaves change
hearts sink
into their proper place."
"Are you nuts man?" He goes on.
"I'm trying to write a haiku in my mind. Something to honor our lady friend here."
"Well don't. Don't bother. She doesn't-"
"You're writing me a haiku?" She speaks.
"You must shower
every day
with pantene pro-v." I continue.
"That's brilliant." He says, rolling his eyes and shifting his shoulders simultaneously.
"I've seen you
at least once
on the television."
I sit back and take a drink. "I'm not sure if that's the right amount of syllables. I'm new to this."
"It's charming." He says.
"A little." She goes on. I think she means it. I'm making headway. There's still a chance Adam Nee. You may not be as clean. You may not shine. But by God your trying. You're going for it Nee and that counts for something.
"So where do I know you from, what show are you on?"
"It's called the O.C." She says.
"I've heard of it."
"Thanks."
"Wasn't a compliment." I finish my beer quickly and wrap my knuckles on the bar, calling the barkeep back over. "Another." He nods.
"It's a show about attractive people right?"
Adam looks at Rachel. Rachel looks at Adam.
"There are attractive people on the show, but-"
"You want to wrestle man?" I ask.
"What?"
"Let's wrestle. Let's just really wrestle the shit out of everything."
He turns to the brown haired beauty. "We should probably get going."
"No you should stay. It's a full moon. It's time to spar. Let's go nuts. Just the three of us. No one needs to know. We'll just beat the shit out of each other for a bit then part ways. Come on. Have some adventure."
"You want to wrestle me?"
"Let's go fucking crazy. Let's wrestle til we're blue and black and tomorrow doesn't mean anything."
"Listen. We don't want any trouble-"
"You've got me all wrong. It's love man. It's wrestling. We grapple and grab until someones crying, then we go."
I don't think he's into this. I don't think he's the type to wrestle a random person in a bar. A prude.
"It really is late."
"Arm wrestle?" I ask.
"I'd rather not. We've got to be going anyhow." Rachel agrees with a nod. A nod that sends her locks back and forth in the mystery of woman-kind. People have killed for that nod. Babes weep. Choirs sing. Nature is uniform and operating at full steam. They stand together.
"Thanks for the drinks." He says cordially, and takes her by the hand.
"Come on. At least throw your glass at me. Kick me or something."
He looks at me for a moment. Who is this guy, I see him wondering.
"Break a bottle man. Make a ruckus."
"Maybe some other time." They turn to go.
"Tell Gallagher I say hi. I respect him."
"We will." He says. They go out the door. Gone. Another day of human interaction. Males and females together in the same space, at the same time, relating.
"Are you almost finished? We're about to close." The bartender says.
"Just let me use the head." I say and get up, walking towards the bathroom. I meet the door and make my way inside.
I'm alone. There's a blue light in this bathroom. Gorgeous blue. We meet at the mirror. We stare at each other taking up an equal amount of space. We fill the room together. The honest blue mixing with the violent righteous purity of an unsuccesful man. I urinate in the stall. Upon finishing I flush and exit the bathroom.
There's a knock at the door. "Just a minute!" I shout over my shoulder. I run the water.
"Come on!" A voice comes through the door.
"I'll kill you!" I don't mean it.
"Come on." Again.
"Fine. I'll just stop in the middle." I yell, turning the water off. I open the door. The man outside is short and small. I'm tall and large. Realizing this I hold the moment. "Come on." He says again. I walk past him and shrug my shoulders. He goes in and shuts the door. "I'll kill you." I mutter, hoping he didn't hear me. I walk up to the bar and knock on the counter twice.
"Gimme a beer."
The bartender is as tall and lanky as I am, with pigtails.
"Three bucks." He says.
I toss some money on the counter. "Keep the change." There wasn't any.
I rest my troubles on a stool. A full pint sits in front of me. We've got unfinished business, you and I. The stories we'll never tell. Across from me, at the far end of the bar against the front window sits a girl. She has brown hair. It looks washed. Everything about her screams out cleanliness. I look at her long enough to make it obvious. She glances, but with apathy. I raise my beer to her, toasting the ambiguouty or lack of a moment. She's not looking. I continue to hold the glass up, waiting for her to acknowledge my charity. She doesn't look.
"Something wrong with your beer?" The bartender interupts.
"What?"
"Is there something wrong with your beer?"
"Oh. No. I was just weighing it. It's full."
He nods and goes back to his magazine. Time waits for no man. I grab my sweating glass and lead it two bar stools over to my left. What a knock out. High maintenaince maybe, but beautiful.
"Full moon out."
"What?" She asks, her hair rising and falling with the movement of her head.
"Supposed to be a full moon, I think."
"Oh."
The guy from the bathroom comes walking up. He looks at me out of the corner of his eye and sits close to the brown haired girl. She kisses him on the cheek. He glances at me again. I lift my glass for a moment then let it rest on the bar.
"Don't be jealous. We were just discussing the moon."
"I'm not jealous." He says and looks back at his girl.
"It's supposed to be full tonight." I go on. He nods.
"I don't know about you but that's Goddamed fascinating to me." I take a large sip of my beverage, getting about halfway through the pint. I take a good look at the two of them. He seems terribly clean as well. These two probably just shower all day. Everything bounces. It shines.
"Do I know you guys from somewhere?"
"I don't know." He says.
"I wasn't asking you." I answer and finish my pint. "Can I get a refill?" I ask the bartender. He casually lowers his magazine and goes to get me another beer. He acts as if he's doing me a huge favor. As if I got him on break. A half smoked cigarette prematurely extinguished. "Don't go out of your way, me and my friends here are just trying to have a relaxing night." I tip my head towards the two snow whites. "Let me get you guys a drink."
"That's ok."
"Come on. It's a full moon. Don't know about you but that's just about as fascinating as it gets to me."
He looks at her. She looks at him.
"Come on. Let me do you a favor. Fill up your tank. Give you another chance to give some other poor guy hell in the can."
"You were in there forever."
"Make it two more beers. My friends are thirsty." I say to the bartender. He looks at the guy and girl to check my story. The guy waves his hand in the air, giving in. No one can turn down a free drink. The barkeeps pigtails roll around his shoulders as he turns.
"What're your names?"
"Rachel."
"Adam."
"Hey me too. Adam."
The beers come and we toast. There's something awkward in the clinking of glasses. A lack of eye contact. No familiarity. I look away and stare at my glass. Why does inspiration seem to come with inbalance and social anxiety. I want to get away from here so I can write it down. Thinking of things as words on a page instead of the actual moment in which I exist. I turn to the girl with bouncing brown hair.
"Fragile fleeting moment
is this love
as it dies."
"What?" Adam asks.
"As leaves change
hearts sink
into their proper place."
"Are you nuts man?" He goes on.
"I'm trying to write a haiku in my mind. Something to honor our lady friend here."
"Well don't. Don't bother. She doesn't-"
"You're writing me a haiku?" She speaks.
"You must shower
every day
with pantene pro-v." I continue.
"That's brilliant." He says, rolling his eyes and shifting his shoulders simultaneously.
"I've seen you
at least once
on the television."
I sit back and take a drink. "I'm not sure if that's the right amount of syllables. I'm new to this."
"It's charming." He says.
"A little." She goes on. I think she means it. I'm making headway. There's still a chance Adam Nee. You may not be as clean. You may not shine. But by God your trying. You're going for it Nee and that counts for something.
"So where do I know you from, what show are you on?"
"It's called the O.C." She says.
"I've heard of it."
"Thanks."
"Wasn't a compliment." I finish my beer quickly and wrap my knuckles on the bar, calling the barkeep back over. "Another." He nods.
"It's a show about attractive people right?"
Adam looks at Rachel. Rachel looks at Adam.
"There are attractive people on the show, but-"
"You want to wrestle man?" I ask.
"What?"
"Let's wrestle. Let's just really wrestle the shit out of everything."
He turns to the brown haired beauty. "We should probably get going."
"No you should stay. It's a full moon. It's time to spar. Let's go nuts. Just the three of us. No one needs to know. We'll just beat the shit out of each other for a bit then part ways. Come on. Have some adventure."
"You want to wrestle me?"
"Let's go fucking crazy. Let's wrestle til we're blue and black and tomorrow doesn't mean anything."
"Listen. We don't want any trouble-"
"You've got me all wrong. It's love man. It's wrestling. We grapple and grab until someones crying, then we go."
I don't think he's into this. I don't think he's the type to wrestle a random person in a bar. A prude.
"It really is late."
"Arm wrestle?" I ask.
"I'd rather not. We've got to be going anyhow." Rachel agrees with a nod. A nod that sends her locks back and forth in the mystery of woman-kind. People have killed for that nod. Babes weep. Choirs sing. Nature is uniform and operating at full steam. They stand together.
"Thanks for the drinks." He says cordially, and takes her by the hand.
"Come on. At least throw your glass at me. Kick me or something."
He looks at me for a moment. Who is this guy, I see him wondering.
"Break a bottle man. Make a ruckus."
"Maybe some other time." They turn to go.
"Tell Gallagher I say hi. I respect him."
"We will." He says. They go out the door. Gone. Another day of human interaction. Males and females together in the same space, at the same time, relating.
"Are you almost finished? We're about to close." The bartender says.
"Just let me use the head." I say and get up, walking towards the bathroom. I meet the door and make my way inside.
I'm alone. There's a blue light in this bathroom. Gorgeous blue. We meet at the mirror. We stare at each other taking up an equal amount of space. We fill the room together. The honest blue mixing with the violent righteous purity of an unsuccesful man. I urinate in the stall. Upon finishing I flush and exit the bathroom.