(no subject)

[runswithflys]

sigh....

i missed school again.
yesterday.
i had the intentions
just not the will.
its hard to get up lately.
its getting harder to face the day.
depression.

sigh...

im ashamed.
Im ashamed to feel what i feel.
im so ashamed i cant even say the name.
i dont want to say the name
i dont want to give my shame a name.
it will just have a face.
a face only i know about.
sigh...
im not suposed to feel anything when i look at them.
well,maybe i dont.
i dreamt of them.
i dreamt of infidelity.
and it felt good.

really good.

so good i turned away from him
to dream of my infidelity.
to go back to....

i say no to the face.
but to mine...
in my head....
my stupid stupid head...
i say allot of things.
i say yes.
i say i want it.
them.mostly in a primal
i want to tear you the fuck up
kinda way.
dirty.
and it makes me sick.
a little.

sigh...

i talked to my sisters
yesterday.
it felt good to talk to them.
though we always talk about the same things really....

family.
mother,father,daughter/niece,son/nephew...
so on and so forth.

she couldn't stop crying.
she thought of us.
and she called
*smiles*.
i miss them.
they have caused me pain.
they cause me pain.
most of the time its really not voluntary.
but it happens.

sigh...

i sill don't know what to do with it...
any of it.