my confession...
last week i was thinking about how i have this problem that i won't admit to. then i finally got around to really thinking about how this could be a real big problem... then it kinda hit me yesterday when talking to lauren.
i avoided posting this for a few days... who knows if anyone will read it.. who knows if someone will.. it's just gotta stop.
because i hate the word problem so much. problems turn into issues, and that's when things go really wrong.
i don't want it to turn into an issue, and it's not a bad of a problem as i am making it to be, but it's kinda stuck in my head and i really don't want it to turn into a issue.
so i am sure everyone knows, i am about 5'7.5'' and less than 110 pounds.
i eat like a horse.
but i bet you didn't know that i am obessed with my weight. and i have been since 2001. in december of 2001 i was attending wsu. i was poppin pills, drinking all hours of the day -- you name it, before, during and after class. one day i looked in the mirror and thought my face was fat. so i stopped eating for about 5-7 days.
it's a strange thing for me to admit because if you have known me since then or before or even after, i bet the first thing you think is, "i was right, she is aneorexic or bulemic!" no i am not actually. (shit i forgot what anerorexic means and i am not going to look it up so kiss my ass). anyways, since i got my shnazzy vehicle, the possibilities were endless to what food i could eat. my was wasting money at my faves like, mickey d's, wendy's, subway, quizno's and taco del mar just to name a few. i'd chow down and probably shortly after fall asleep. but then i'd get pissed off i'd get this little pudge and get overly pissed.
so when that happened i would stop eating... at times i would not eat all weekend and just stay inside. to keep me sane i would have some water or something. i get cranky when i don't get to eat so when monday would come around i would chow down and start the cycle again... i know most of this is due to the fact that i stopped running, and i can't help that i did that because my breathing and resparitory problems got worse.
don't get me wrong, i have been this way my whole life (weight wise). i haven't gone past 115. i am bothered everyday and basically teased about my weight. i am self concious about being skinny. i don't like it at all. there's a woman that's a tenant in my building at work and the last 3 or 4 times that she has come in she has mentioned about how skinny i am and how she was like that but in a couple years i am going to end up like her. i just don't like when people talk to me about it. or bring it up... it's cool if i know you or you are my family, but shit... in a way i feel like i have to maintain this image to either:
a. keep everyone happy (for some odd reason)
or
b. prove i won't get fat
i know i need nature to take it's course, but i don't want it to because i am either scared or a coward. i know that there are bigger and more important things going on than my weight, but it's something that's bothering me. i hate that people come up to me and say that they wish they had my figure... TAKE IT! I DON'T WANT IT! i am sick and tired of people just talking about it. it's not like you haven't seen a waif before. even though i am not looking like i am dying but it's just making me miserable. i love to be in shape...that's the body i miss.. the one from senior year of high school. i know this might make me seem selfish, but it's just something i wanted to get out, since i know writing is my best medicine.
it's a painful thing to me that i actually think this way...
i avoided posting this for a few days... who knows if anyone will read it.. who knows if someone will.. it's just gotta stop.
because i hate the word problem so much. problems turn into issues, and that's when things go really wrong.
i don't want it to turn into an issue, and it's not a bad of a problem as i am making it to be, but it's kinda stuck in my head and i really don't want it to turn into a issue.
so i am sure everyone knows, i am about 5'7.5'' and less than 110 pounds.
i eat like a horse.
but i bet you didn't know that i am obessed with my weight. and i have been since 2001. in december of 2001 i was attending wsu. i was poppin pills, drinking all hours of the day -- you name it, before, during and after class. one day i looked in the mirror and thought my face was fat. so i stopped eating for about 5-7 days.
it's a strange thing for me to admit because if you have known me since then or before or even after, i bet the first thing you think is, "i was right, she is aneorexic or bulemic!" no i am not actually. (shit i forgot what anerorexic means and i am not going to look it up so kiss my ass). anyways, since i got my shnazzy vehicle, the possibilities were endless to what food i could eat. my was wasting money at my faves like, mickey d's, wendy's, subway, quizno's and taco del mar just to name a few. i'd chow down and probably shortly after fall asleep. but then i'd get pissed off i'd get this little pudge and get overly pissed.
so when that happened i would stop eating... at times i would not eat all weekend and just stay inside. to keep me sane i would have some water or something. i get cranky when i don't get to eat so when monday would come around i would chow down and start the cycle again... i know most of this is due to the fact that i stopped running, and i can't help that i did that because my breathing and resparitory problems got worse.
don't get me wrong, i have been this way my whole life (weight wise). i haven't gone past 115. i am bothered everyday and basically teased about my weight. i am self concious about being skinny. i don't like it at all. there's a woman that's a tenant in my building at work and the last 3 or 4 times that she has come in she has mentioned about how skinny i am and how she was like that but in a couple years i am going to end up like her. i just don't like when people talk to me about it. or bring it up... it's cool if i know you or you are my family, but shit... in a way i feel like i have to maintain this image to either:
a. keep everyone happy (for some odd reason)
or
b. prove i won't get fat
i know i need nature to take it's course, but i don't want it to because i am either scared or a coward. i know that there are bigger and more important things going on than my weight, but it's something that's bothering me. i hate that people come up to me and say that they wish they had my figure... TAKE IT! I DON'T WANT IT! i am sick and tired of people just talking about it. it's not like you haven't seen a waif before. even though i am not looking like i am dying but it's just making me miserable. i love to be in shape...that's the body i miss.. the one from senior year of high school. i know this might make me seem selfish, but it's just something i wanted to get out, since i know writing is my best medicine.
it's a painful thing to me that i actually think this way...