The glove compartment is inaccurately named, and everybody knows it...
In the book that Elise is reading, there is a list of twenty-three questions that the author asks everybody he meets in order to decide whether he can really love them. The following are nine of those questions. Post a comment and answer them if you haven't already done it for her. And don't read mine until you do yours first:
1. Let us assume you met a rudimentary magician. Let us assume he can do five simple tricks--he can pull a rabbit out of his hat, he can make a coin disappear, he can turn the ace of spades into the Joker card, and two other in a similar vein. These are his only tricks and he can't learn any more; he can only do these five. HOWEVER, it turns out he's doing these five tricks with real magic. It's not an illusion; he can actually conjure the bunny out of ether and he can move the coin through space. He's legitimately magical, but extremely limited in scope and influence.
Would this person be more impressive than Albert Einstein? Any child would say the magician. And you would think that any scientist would say Einstein. After all, he discovered the most famous formula ever, laying the foundation for science as we know it. Though they may not understand it, every preschooler knows that E=MC^2. His brilliance is impressive. But there is something about a man who can truly defy all the laws of said science. This magician would be beyond impressive. I mean, if it wasn't Einstein, I'm sure someone would've eventually done it. I guess it depends on whether or not the magician truly understood what he was doing.
2. You meet your soul mate. However, there is a catch: Every three years, someone will brake both of your soul mate's collarbones with a Crescent wrench, and there is only one way you can stop this from happening: You must swallow a pill that will make every song you hear--for the rest of your life--sound as if it's being performed by the band Alice in Chains. If you see Radiohead live, every one of their tunes will sound like it's being covered by Alice in Chains. When you hear a commercial jingle on TV, it will sound like Alice in Chain; if you sing to yourself in the shower, your voice will sound like the deceased Alice vocalist Layne Staley performing a capella (but it will only sound this way to you).
Would you swallow the pill? As selfless as I would love to be and say that I'd swallow the pill, I can't honestly say I would. I suppose I couldn't really know unless I was in the situation, but hearing Alice in Chains constantly would probably severely depress me. And then I'd probably kill myself. But then again, if my soulmates collarbones were broken every three years, that might depress me, too. I guess if my soulmate asked me to, very nicely, I'd take the pill.
3. Defying all expectation, a group of Scottish marine biologists capture a live Loch Ness Monster. In an almost unbelievable coincidence, a bear hunter in the Pacific Northwest shoots a Sasquatch in the thigh, thereby allowing zoologists to take the furry monster into captivity. These events happen on the same afternoon. That evening, the president announces he may have thyroid cancer and will undergo a biopsy later that week.
You are the front-page editor of The New York Times: What do you play as the biggest story? Hmmm...biggest story, I would have to say, would be the Loch Ness Monster. I mean, we already have big hairy mammals running around. I am satisfied with the ape. As far as the president goes, does anyone really care? And though I know it's bitchy, he hasn't even had a biopsy yet. He shouldn't have said anything until he knew for sure. Plus, the Loch Ness Monster could be a dinosaur! How cool would that be?!
4. You meet the perfect person. Romantically, this person is ideal: You find them physically attractive, intellectually stimulating, consistently funny, and feel compassionate. However, they have one quirk: This individual is obsessed with Jim Hensons's gothic puppet fantasy The Dark Crystal. Beyond watching it on DVD at least once a month, he/she peppers casual conversation with Dark Crystal references, uses Dark Crystal analogies to explain everyday events, and occasionally likes to talk intensely about the film's "deeper philosophy."
Would this be enough to stop you from marrying this individual? No. As irritating as this may sound, there are a million things this perfect person could do that would be worse. Their obsession with the Dark Crystal (which I actually like, as far as movies go), as long as in doesn't hurt the environment, affect their hygiene, or hinder any serious plans we may have for the future (wedding themes, children's names, etc.), wouldn't be much worse than my obsession with Christmas. In reality, it's a prime example of there being no such thing as a perfect person. We all have our little obnoxious quirks.
5. Every person you have ever slept with is invited to a banquet where you are the guest of honor. No one will be in attendance except you, the collection of your former lovers, and the catering service. After the meal, you are asked to give a fifteen-minute speech to the assembly.
What do you talk about? Well, considering it would be a very small banquet, I'd probably start out with a couple jokes to break the ice. Then, depending on whether or not everyone is conscious of the fact that I have been intimate with all of them, I would proceed to tell little anecdotes about the relationships I had with each of them. Then maybe I guess I would talk about the cancer thing and whats been going on in my life and all that fun stuff.
6. You have a brain tumor. Though there is no discomfort at the moment, this tumor would questionably kill you in six months. However, your life can (and will) be saved by an operation; the only downside is that there will be a brutal incision to your frontal lobe. After the surgery, you will be significantly less intelligent. You will still be a fully functioning adult, but you will be less logical, you will have a terrible memory, and you will have little ability to understand complex concepts or difficult ideas. The surgery is in two weeks.
How do you spend the next fourteen days? I'm sure most people would say that they'd write a book. And even if most people didn't say that, I would. I would write my autobiography, using painful amounts of detail, but at the same time, trying to be as simple as possible. I suppose it would be very "The Notebook"-esque. I would write down every mistake I ever made, followed by ever lesson I ever learned, and every witty story I ever committed to memory, followed by every stupid thing I accidentally said in public. I would write down every "first" and every "last." I would write down every scary moment, every moment of passion, every moment of life.
7. You are sitting in an empty bar (in a town you've never before visited), drinking Bacardi with a soft-spoken acquaintance you barely know. After an hour, a third individual walks into the tavern and sits by himself, and you ask your acquaintance who the new man is. "Be careful of that guy," you are told. "He is a man with a past." A few minutes later, a fourth man enters the bar; he also sits alone. You ask your acquaintance who this individual is. "Be careful of that guy too," he says. "He is a man with no past."
Which of these two people do you trust less? The man with no past. The man with a past has, what I like to call "life experience." Everything can be recounted and documented. You can know where he's been, what he's done, and with whom. And hopefully, you know enough to stay away from him. The man with no past is an enigma. He may very well be the most lifeless person on the face of the planet. I can't trust someone I can't know.
8. For whatever reason, two unauthorized movies are made about your life. The first is an independently released documentary, primarily comprised of interviews with people who know you and bootleg footage from your actual life. Critics are describing the documentary as "brutally honest and relentlessly fair." Meanwhile, Columbia Tri-Star has produced a big-budget biopic of your life, casting major Hollywood stars as you and all your acquaintances; though the movie is based on actual events, screenwriters have taken some liberties with the facts. Critics are split on the artistic merits of this fictionalized account, but audiences love it.
Which film would you be most interested in seeing? I'd be most interested in seeing the big budget production. If the documentary is a true account, then I've been there, done that. I've lived my life and know what happens. I'd love to see someone elses portrayal of me.
9. Imagine you could go back to the age of five and relive the rest of your life, knowing everything that you know now. You will reexperience your entire adolescence with both the cognitive ability of an adult and the memories of everything you've learned from having lived your life previously.
Would you lose your virginity earlier or later than you did the first time around (and by how many years)? In my life, there are a handful of things I would've changed. I wouldn't have hurt certain people. I wouldn't have totaled certain CRVs. I would've changed the times and or places of other sexual experiences. But I definitely would not have changed the first one. It ranks up there.
Muchos gracias, El Diablo.
<3
1. Let us assume you met a rudimentary magician. Let us assume he can do five simple tricks--he can pull a rabbit out of his hat, he can make a coin disappear, he can turn the ace of spades into the Joker card, and two other in a similar vein. These are his only tricks and he can't learn any more; he can only do these five. HOWEVER, it turns out he's doing these five tricks with real magic. It's not an illusion; he can actually conjure the bunny out of ether and he can move the coin through space. He's legitimately magical, but extremely limited in scope and influence.
Would this person be more impressive than Albert Einstein? Any child would say the magician. And you would think that any scientist would say Einstein. After all, he discovered the most famous formula ever, laying the foundation for science as we know it. Though they may not understand it, every preschooler knows that E=MC^2. His brilliance is impressive. But there is something about a man who can truly defy all the laws of said science. This magician would be beyond impressive. I mean, if it wasn't Einstein, I'm sure someone would've eventually done it. I guess it depends on whether or not the magician truly understood what he was doing.
2. You meet your soul mate. However, there is a catch: Every three years, someone will brake both of your soul mate's collarbones with a Crescent wrench, and there is only one way you can stop this from happening: You must swallow a pill that will make every song you hear--for the rest of your life--sound as if it's being performed by the band Alice in Chains. If you see Radiohead live, every one of their tunes will sound like it's being covered by Alice in Chains. When you hear a commercial jingle on TV, it will sound like Alice in Chain; if you sing to yourself in the shower, your voice will sound like the deceased Alice vocalist Layne Staley performing a capella (but it will only sound this way to you).
Would you swallow the pill? As selfless as I would love to be and say that I'd swallow the pill, I can't honestly say I would. I suppose I couldn't really know unless I was in the situation, but hearing Alice in Chains constantly would probably severely depress me. And then I'd probably kill myself. But then again, if my soulmates collarbones were broken every three years, that might depress me, too. I guess if my soulmate asked me to, very nicely, I'd take the pill.
3. Defying all expectation, a group of Scottish marine biologists capture a live Loch Ness Monster. In an almost unbelievable coincidence, a bear hunter in the Pacific Northwest shoots a Sasquatch in the thigh, thereby allowing zoologists to take the furry monster into captivity. These events happen on the same afternoon. That evening, the president announces he may have thyroid cancer and will undergo a biopsy later that week.
You are the front-page editor of The New York Times: What do you play as the biggest story? Hmmm...biggest story, I would have to say, would be the Loch Ness Monster. I mean, we already have big hairy mammals running around. I am satisfied with the ape. As far as the president goes, does anyone really care? And though I know it's bitchy, he hasn't even had a biopsy yet. He shouldn't have said anything until he knew for sure. Plus, the Loch Ness Monster could be a dinosaur! How cool would that be?!
4. You meet the perfect person. Romantically, this person is ideal: You find them physically attractive, intellectually stimulating, consistently funny, and feel compassionate. However, they have one quirk: This individual is obsessed with Jim Hensons's gothic puppet fantasy The Dark Crystal. Beyond watching it on DVD at least once a month, he/she peppers casual conversation with Dark Crystal references, uses Dark Crystal analogies to explain everyday events, and occasionally likes to talk intensely about the film's "deeper philosophy."
Would this be enough to stop you from marrying this individual? No. As irritating as this may sound, there are a million things this perfect person could do that would be worse. Their obsession with the Dark Crystal (which I actually like, as far as movies go), as long as in doesn't hurt the environment, affect their hygiene, or hinder any serious plans we may have for the future (wedding themes, children's names, etc.), wouldn't be much worse than my obsession with Christmas. In reality, it's a prime example of there being no such thing as a perfect person. We all have our little obnoxious quirks.
5. Every person you have ever slept with is invited to a banquet where you are the guest of honor. No one will be in attendance except you, the collection of your former lovers, and the catering service. After the meal, you are asked to give a fifteen-minute speech to the assembly.
What do you talk about? Well, considering it would be a very small banquet, I'd probably start out with a couple jokes to break the ice. Then, depending on whether or not everyone is conscious of the fact that I have been intimate with all of them, I would proceed to tell little anecdotes about the relationships I had with each of them. Then maybe I guess I would talk about the cancer thing and whats been going on in my life and all that fun stuff.
6. You have a brain tumor. Though there is no discomfort at the moment, this tumor would questionably kill you in six months. However, your life can (and will) be saved by an operation; the only downside is that there will be a brutal incision to your frontal lobe. After the surgery, you will be significantly less intelligent. You will still be a fully functioning adult, but you will be less logical, you will have a terrible memory, and you will have little ability to understand complex concepts or difficult ideas. The surgery is in two weeks.
How do you spend the next fourteen days? I'm sure most people would say that they'd write a book. And even if most people didn't say that, I would. I would write my autobiography, using painful amounts of detail, but at the same time, trying to be as simple as possible. I suppose it would be very "The Notebook"-esque. I would write down every mistake I ever made, followed by ever lesson I ever learned, and every witty story I ever committed to memory, followed by every stupid thing I accidentally said in public. I would write down every "first" and every "last." I would write down every scary moment, every moment of passion, every moment of life.
7. You are sitting in an empty bar (in a town you've never before visited), drinking Bacardi with a soft-spoken acquaintance you barely know. After an hour, a third individual walks into the tavern and sits by himself, and you ask your acquaintance who the new man is. "Be careful of that guy," you are told. "He is a man with a past." A few minutes later, a fourth man enters the bar; he also sits alone. You ask your acquaintance who this individual is. "Be careful of that guy too," he says. "He is a man with no past."
Which of these two people do you trust less? The man with no past. The man with a past has, what I like to call "life experience." Everything can be recounted and documented. You can know where he's been, what he's done, and with whom. And hopefully, you know enough to stay away from him. The man with no past is an enigma. He may very well be the most lifeless person on the face of the planet. I can't trust someone I can't know.
8. For whatever reason, two unauthorized movies are made about your life. The first is an independently released documentary, primarily comprised of interviews with people who know you and bootleg footage from your actual life. Critics are describing the documentary as "brutally honest and relentlessly fair." Meanwhile, Columbia Tri-Star has produced a big-budget biopic of your life, casting major Hollywood stars as you and all your acquaintances; though the movie is based on actual events, screenwriters have taken some liberties with the facts. Critics are split on the artistic merits of this fictionalized account, but audiences love it.
Which film would you be most interested in seeing? I'd be most interested in seeing the big budget production. If the documentary is a true account, then I've been there, done that. I've lived my life and know what happens. I'd love to see someone elses portrayal of me.
9. Imagine you could go back to the age of five and relive the rest of your life, knowing everything that you know now. You will reexperience your entire adolescence with both the cognitive ability of an adult and the memories of everything you've learned from having lived your life previously.
Would you lose your virginity earlier or later than you did the first time around (and by how many years)? In my life, there are a handful of things I would've changed. I wouldn't have hurt certain people. I wouldn't have totaled certain CRVs. I would've changed the times and or places of other sexual experiences. But I definitely would not have changed the first one. It ranks up there.
Muchos gracias, El Diablo.
<3