Okay, well.
I saw the Psychologist at school today, finally. So at the beginning of the talk, she said I was on the brink of anorexia, and by the end, she said that I had collapsed already. Well, fun. She wants me to see a psychiatrist who will perscribe me anti-depressants, which I guess is good. She said it will help me with my lack of confidence, sleep, and my newfound "anorexia". She said I need to take a leap of faith to be abel to trust people. I basically told her straight out how I felt about the human race. She gave me a look of pity/fear/abashment. Well, it's true. At least she understands why I don't trust people. She recalled when I was in Freshman year and i didn't want her to call my mom. I was finally able to tell her why: the psychiatrist I saw in Middle school told my mom EVERYTHING I said. That's against their little code, isn't it? So she understood why I was so "AGH!" I didn't tell her a few things, things that I could only tell a close friend or an inanimate object. Like a notebook. I'm going to write it up as if no one will respond to it, that it's a journal entry, and then not look at it for a while, then post it so you guys, my close friends, can read it and see what my journal sees. But it doesn't leave snide comments, compliment me, or tell me I'm ridiculous, so please, don't leave such comments. It means nothing to me. Your compliments only make me hate myself more.
Okay, so here it is. If you're going to comment, please be mindful of what I've said above.
Okay, so I'm officially anorexic. I think my mom knew, and that's part of the reason she wanted me to see Dr. Fowler. I don't eat regularly. I eat breakfast rarely and don't eat until dinner. It's just what I do. Mainly because I fear becoming overweight. If you've seen my family, you wouldn't blame me. It runs in my family. I've had the "I won't want to get fat" complex for a while, though. I remember being 6 or 7, refusing to eat sugar because I didn't want to get fat. Looking back on even then, I think I WAS fat. I've never been thin. Dr. Fowler said I had lost weight since she saw me last, Freshman year. I had, it fluxuated when I was sick. Then I was about 98 lbs. Now I'm 92. I got down to 80's when I got the flu a few times. The problem is, I liked how I looked, ever so slightly. If I could just suck some fat out of my stomach and thighs, I might not be so hideous. I'd still not be very thin, but at least I would hate myself this much. I don't see what people see. I see a fat version of myself. Sign #1 of anorexia. I guess I was denying it because I hate it. I hate the anorexic girls that wear scanty clothes. Now, I dont wear scanty clothes, but now I'm just as bad as they are. But come on, I'm just another teenage girl. Albeit, I'm under a ridiculous amount of pressure and stress. Dr. Fowler said that because of all of this, I'm focusing my attention on one thing: my weight. Well, yeah. I worry about my appearance, and now, being in a relationship, I worry about it even more. My low self esteem causes me to be so concerned with my appearance because I'm afraid of how he thinks of other girls. My insecurity causes me to be competative. I'm constantly thinking "how much weight do I need to lose?" "should I dress scantily?" "how much do I need to achieve?" All of these things make me second guess myself. Am I too fat? Would he love me more if I lost weight? I keep thinking how I can get his focus off of other girls. Once again, my mind has its own view of what's really happening. When he talks to another girl my mind automatically goes: "She's thinner than me!" or "She's prettier than I am!" and "What do I need to do to hold his attention? His affection? If I don't trust anyone (because I view humanity as the epitome of cruelty and falseness), how can I trust him when he tells me that I have nothing to worry about, ESPECIALLY when he seems so happy talking to everyone...but me.He makes me want to do everything, everything extremely well. Maybe then I can have him all to myself without having to worry about the girl who's a great singer, or the girl who's a fantastic actress, dancer, or whatever he's into, taking him away from me. Why do I worry? Because the human race is one of liars, cheaters, and thieves.(I adhere as well as possible to the honour code, but come on, it's impossible to have a perfect community.) And women are the worst. They want what someone else wants/loves. Face it. Women are bloodthirsty bitch-harpies who want it all. Some of us are an exception, partially because we have an equal balance of femininity and masculinity. Either way, we're looked down upon because we don't make orselves up or show ourselves off like sluts, and there's something to be proud of there. Society will not let us think so, though. They exploit the thin blonde with the large breasts instead of the average girl with natural hair and body.
I've had a hand in everything for as long as I can remember. But now more than ever, it's consuming me. Dr. Fowler told me: "I don't know how you do it. You amaze me. You do all of these great things, from my point of view, and they mean nothing to you. But you still manage to keep going. You don't believe in yourself, but something inside you keeps going." Hope. Hope keeps me going. The hope that I can fix the fact that I'm unattractive and overweight. The hope that one day I will succeed. I'm not impressed by anything that I've done. I never have been, so how can anyone possibly feel that I have? From my point of view, I have nothing going for me. No talent of value, but on the other hand, it only makes me work harder. If I was content with what I was doing, (if I know myself, which I do) I would settle for what I had. But no, I want to be better, so no, I don't think that I was great in Seussical. I will always believe that I can do so much better, no matter what I do, Not that I'M so buch better, but that I MUST be able to do better.
I'll probably write more, it helps me.
Okay, so here it is. If you're going to comment, please be mindful of what I've said above.
Okay, so I'm officially anorexic. I think my mom knew, and that's part of the reason she wanted me to see Dr. Fowler. I don't eat regularly. I eat breakfast rarely and don't eat until dinner. It's just what I do. Mainly because I fear becoming overweight. If you've seen my family, you wouldn't blame me. It runs in my family. I've had the "I won't want to get fat" complex for a while, though. I remember being 6 or 7, refusing to eat sugar because I didn't want to get fat. Looking back on even then, I think I WAS fat. I've never been thin. Dr. Fowler said I had lost weight since she saw me last, Freshman year. I had, it fluxuated when I was sick. Then I was about 98 lbs. Now I'm 92. I got down to 80's when I got the flu a few times. The problem is, I liked how I looked, ever so slightly. If I could just suck some fat out of my stomach and thighs, I might not be so hideous. I'd still not be very thin, but at least I would hate myself this much. I don't see what people see. I see a fat version of myself. Sign #1 of anorexia. I guess I was denying it because I hate it. I hate the anorexic girls that wear scanty clothes. Now, I dont wear scanty clothes, but now I'm just as bad as they are. But come on, I'm just another teenage girl. Albeit, I'm under a ridiculous amount of pressure and stress. Dr. Fowler said that because of all of this, I'm focusing my attention on one thing: my weight. Well, yeah. I worry about my appearance, and now, being in a relationship, I worry about it even more. My low self esteem causes me to be so concerned with my appearance because I'm afraid of how he thinks of other girls. My insecurity causes me to be competative. I'm constantly thinking "how much weight do I need to lose?" "should I dress scantily?" "how much do I need to achieve?" All of these things make me second guess myself. Am I too fat? Would he love me more if I lost weight? I keep thinking how I can get his focus off of other girls. Once again, my mind has its own view of what's really happening. When he talks to another girl my mind automatically goes: "She's thinner than me!" or "She's prettier than I am!" and "What do I need to do to hold his attention? His affection? If I don't trust anyone (because I view humanity as the epitome of cruelty and falseness), how can I trust him when he tells me that I have nothing to worry about, ESPECIALLY when he seems so happy talking to everyone...but me.He makes me want to do everything, everything extremely well. Maybe then I can have him all to myself without having to worry about the girl who's a great singer, or the girl who's a fantastic actress, dancer, or whatever he's into, taking him away from me. Why do I worry? Because the human race is one of liars, cheaters, and thieves.(I adhere as well as possible to the honour code, but come on, it's impossible to have a perfect community.) And women are the worst. They want what someone else wants/loves. Face it. Women are bloodthirsty bitch-harpies who want it all. Some of us are an exception, partially because we have an equal balance of femininity and masculinity. Either way, we're looked down upon because we don't make orselves up or show ourselves off like sluts, and there's something to be proud of there. Society will not let us think so, though. They exploit the thin blonde with the large breasts instead of the average girl with natural hair and body.
I've had a hand in everything for as long as I can remember. But now more than ever, it's consuming me. Dr. Fowler told me: "I don't know how you do it. You amaze me. You do all of these great things, from my point of view, and they mean nothing to you. But you still manage to keep going. You don't believe in yourself, but something inside you keeps going." Hope. Hope keeps me going. The hope that I can fix the fact that I'm unattractive and overweight. The hope that one day I will succeed. I'm not impressed by anything that I've done. I never have been, so how can anyone possibly feel that I have? From my point of view, I have nothing going for me. No talent of value, but on the other hand, it only makes me work harder. If I was content with what I was doing, (if I know myself, which I do) I would settle for what I had. But no, I want to be better, so no, I don't think that I was great in Seussical. I will always believe that I can do so much better, no matter what I do, Not that I'M so buch better, but that I MUST be able to do better.
I'll probably write more, it helps me.