The little things...
So apparently women indeed will be the death of me. While I have recovered and (mostly) moved on from the whole Tasha thing, Anna has once again found a way to crush my very soul without even being in my life. Ok. I'm obviously being melodramatic, but is there really any other way for me to be when it comes to her?
Small aside, since this journal also seems to chronicle the major events of my life... I did not match again this year in Phase I (Yay!... Wait, yay?) This means I will not be stuck in miserable Florida at a site I hate. Instead, my old co-therapists, Deepti and Kayla, decided to make it their goal in life to get me an internship. I went through the entire list of about 340 sites, examining almost all of them to determine if I could stand being there. They then forced me to again look at sites that I had already rejected. I once again rejected them all because they were not a good fit... and because I am stubborn. This left me with 15 applications. Deepti tore apart my cover letters. She a couple of very good language changes, but mostly just got rid of my justification for why I liked sites... which reduced the cover letters largely down to a laundry list of regurgitated qualities about the site. Why a site would think I am a good fit because I can copy and paste the list of training goals listed on their website, I will never know. But for whatever reason, it worked. I received 5 interviews... way more than I ever have and a great deal more than most people get. The interviews went well for the most part, and I am 97% confident that I will have an internship in either San Jose or Fresno next year. This of course will mean a crazy f*ck ton of work will need to get done between now and June... but whatever. I find out for sure next week.
Anyways. Anna. Right.... *sigh* Anna... So I was going through my friends list on Facebook tonight, clearing out a few people I never talk to/at one point felt obligated to friend. After going through the list of 120-130 people, I suddenly realized that Anna was not on that list. Now I hadn't seen her online in at least a couple months, but I just assumed she was busy with her boyfriend/maybe-fiancé-by-now/new life. Turns out at some point in the last... 3-5 months, she unfriended me.
Now while I'll admit that the whole ordeal seems trite (since I haven't spoken to her in over 2 years,) I suppose the phrase "It's not official until it's Facebook official" applies here. (Yes, that does make me sound like I'm 14.) The truth is, though, that Facebook was really the last connection we had. And while it hurt me every time I saw her log on, I guess there was always a part of me that hoped she'd message me out of the blue. (Preferably to say that she and her bf broke up and that she wanted to give things another try... Yeah. I really do sound like I'm 14.) In truth, this doesn't actually change anything. She still COULD message me out of the blue, and it's not like I don't still have her phone number still programed in my phone. It just... feels like a sign that she's completely moving on with her life.
And that hurts... a lot.
It doesn't change anything. It doesn't change how I feel about her. It doesn't change the fact that I still hope/wish/dream for that phone call. But it does mean that I'm one step closer to never achieving that dream. And so, I'm on here at 1:30 A.M. trying to process my feelings and hoping in doing so that I'll be able to actually sleep tonight.
I love that girl... ridiculously so. And I'm terrified of losing out on that dream... and all I can do is the same thing I've been doing for the last several years...
Marching forward bravely into certain doom with nothing by my strength (or stubbornness) and my faith in us to comfort me.
It's such a little thing... And yet it's the little things that define us...
Small aside, since this journal also seems to chronicle the major events of my life... I did not match again this year in Phase I (Yay!... Wait, yay?) This means I will not be stuck in miserable Florida at a site I hate. Instead, my old co-therapists, Deepti and Kayla, decided to make it their goal in life to get me an internship. I went through the entire list of about 340 sites, examining almost all of them to determine if I could stand being there. They then forced me to again look at sites that I had already rejected. I once again rejected them all because they were not a good fit... and because I am stubborn. This left me with 15 applications. Deepti tore apart my cover letters. She a couple of very good language changes, but mostly just got rid of my justification for why I liked sites... which reduced the cover letters largely down to a laundry list of regurgitated qualities about the site. Why a site would think I am a good fit because I can copy and paste the list of training goals listed on their website, I will never know. But for whatever reason, it worked. I received 5 interviews... way more than I ever have and a great deal more than most people get. The interviews went well for the most part, and I am 97% confident that I will have an internship in either San Jose or Fresno next year. This of course will mean a crazy f*ck ton of work will need to get done between now and June... but whatever. I find out for sure next week.
Anyways. Anna. Right.... *sigh* Anna... So I was going through my friends list on Facebook tonight, clearing out a few people I never talk to/at one point felt obligated to friend. After going through the list of 120-130 people, I suddenly realized that Anna was not on that list. Now I hadn't seen her online in at least a couple months, but I just assumed she was busy with her boyfriend/maybe-fiancé-by-now/new life. Turns out at some point in the last... 3-5 months, she unfriended me.
Now while I'll admit that the whole ordeal seems trite (since I haven't spoken to her in over 2 years,) I suppose the phrase "It's not official until it's Facebook official" applies here. (Yes, that does make me sound like I'm 14.) The truth is, though, that Facebook was really the last connection we had. And while it hurt me every time I saw her log on, I guess there was always a part of me that hoped she'd message me out of the blue. (Preferably to say that she and her bf broke up and that she wanted to give things another try... Yeah. I really do sound like I'm 14.) In truth, this doesn't actually change anything. She still COULD message me out of the blue, and it's not like I don't still have her phone number still programed in my phone. It just... feels like a sign that she's completely moving on with her life.
And that hurts... a lot.
It doesn't change anything. It doesn't change how I feel about her. It doesn't change the fact that I still hope/wish/dream for that phone call. But it does mean that I'm one step closer to never achieving that dream. And so, I'm on here at 1:30 A.M. trying to process my feelings and hoping in doing so that I'll be able to actually sleep tonight.
I love that girl... ridiculously so. And I'm terrified of losing out on that dream... and all I can do is the same thing I've been doing for the last several years...
Marching forward bravely into certain doom with nothing by my strength (or stubbornness) and my faith in us to comfort me.
It's such a little thing... And yet it's the little things that define us...