Even Now...
It's amazing to think that I haven't written anything in here in a year and a half. So much has happened in those 18 months, and yet recently I've felt as though so little has changed.
Where to start? I guess the most obvious point would be a follow up to my August post. Following all the feelings I had then, I made the final decision to cut ties with Anna in November of that year. I flew into town to spend Thanksgiving with her best friend, Shannon, and in the same visit told Anna that I was going to "let go". I gave her a usb drive full of music that I thought she'd like or that reminded me of her. The most accessable one (i.e. purposely placed outside of the "music" folder was a song called "Even Now" by dashboard confessional. The jist of the song is that no matter how much time has passed, I still think of you. I'd love to say that it was a tearful goodbye and all, but neither of us shed a tear (though I'd be willing to bet she shed a few once she was alone). I'd love to say I felt a newfound freedom and that my life has drastically improved since. That I've "moved on", like people are supposed to.
I suppose in some ways I did. For a while. I enjoyed the holiday with Shannon and her family, but of course missed Anna. In the months that followed I reminded myself that such feelings of loss were normal, that what I did was needed and best for both of us. And for a while I suppose I believed it. I started spending more time on online dating sites, searching for someone new. Someone to help me "move on. I think more than anything I was looking for someone to help end the 4 and a half years of loneliness that I had felt since Kerry and I broke up.
Eventually I did find that someone. Her name was Roxanne. Roxy. She made me smile, she peaked my interest, and she banished my loneliness. For a while it seemed as though she even banished the thoughts of Anna. I was happy.
But of course, you can't build a relationship on mutual depence. My infatuation with her ran out, she took a job in Las Vegas, and we grew apart. She sensed it earlier then I did and tried to make up for it however she could. I interpreted it as her being clingy. So I let myself grow more distant. Six months later she came back. We talked about breaking up then, but she still loved me, so I told myself if she changed a bit (i.e. gave me more space) then maybe I could still ove her too. But the fact of the matter is, I stopped loving her months earlier. For the second time in recent history I allowed myself to stay in a relationship in which I wasn't invested. The worst part of it is that I told myself that I would never do that again after the way I left things with Kerry. I finally ended things a week ago, but I imagine the guilt will be with me for several months to come.
Anyways, as things went south with Roxy and I, I found myself thinking more and more about Anna. I remained strong and still haven't heard from her in 14 months, but I have found myself missing her so much lately. In part I think it's partly the depression/loneliness of getting out of a relationship that is fueling my rhuminations. To be honest, the whole time I've been in Massachusetts this week (for internship interviews) I've found myself desperate for companionship. I've looked at every cute girl that's passed me with a look that screams "please talk to me". And so, as I have been haunted by thoughts of Anna, I've tried to tell myself that the intensity will decrease with time. But to some degree I know that that is all that will change. The INTENSITY of the thoughts. The FREQUENCY. But not the thoughts themself.
The fact of the matter is, I still love her. Even after 14 months of seporation, my feelings for her have not changed. In some ways it has been depressing, sitting in the same Starbucks, working on the same novel and pining over the same girl. It's been 4 years, and I feel as though I have made so much progress on myself, my health and my happiness. And yet when it comes to Anna, nothing's changed.
I guess that's not entirely true. Some things have changed. In part I've accepted that she's not who she was 10 years ago. The fact of the matter is, I love the new her as much as the old. And that is part of what has changed. I've come to appreciate who she is more, and when I think of her my thoughts carry with them as much love and happiness as they do loss. She is my light, my hope, my Anna.
But she's not MINE. She doesn't even know how I feel. Even now...
For better or worse, I love you Anna.
I guess that's all I really needed to get out. Time to get on my flight, and keep "moving on".
Posted via m.livejournal.com.
Where to start? I guess the most obvious point would be a follow up to my August post. Following all the feelings I had then, I made the final decision to cut ties with Anna in November of that year. I flew into town to spend Thanksgiving with her best friend, Shannon, and in the same visit told Anna that I was going to "let go". I gave her a usb drive full of music that I thought she'd like or that reminded me of her. The most accessable one (i.e. purposely placed outside of the "music" folder was a song called "Even Now" by dashboard confessional. The jist of the song is that no matter how much time has passed, I still think of you. I'd love to say that it was a tearful goodbye and all, but neither of us shed a tear (though I'd be willing to bet she shed a few once she was alone). I'd love to say I felt a newfound freedom and that my life has drastically improved since. That I've "moved on", like people are supposed to.
I suppose in some ways I did. For a while. I enjoyed the holiday with Shannon and her family, but of course missed Anna. In the months that followed I reminded myself that such feelings of loss were normal, that what I did was needed and best for both of us. And for a while I suppose I believed it. I started spending more time on online dating sites, searching for someone new. Someone to help me "move on. I think more than anything I was looking for someone to help end the 4 and a half years of loneliness that I had felt since Kerry and I broke up.
Eventually I did find that someone. Her name was Roxanne. Roxy. She made me smile, she peaked my interest, and she banished my loneliness. For a while it seemed as though she even banished the thoughts of Anna. I was happy.
But of course, you can't build a relationship on mutual depence. My infatuation with her ran out, she took a job in Las Vegas, and we grew apart. She sensed it earlier then I did and tried to make up for it however she could. I interpreted it as her being clingy. So I let myself grow more distant. Six months later she came back. We talked about breaking up then, but she still loved me, so I told myself if she changed a bit (i.e. gave me more space) then maybe I could still ove her too. But the fact of the matter is, I stopped loving her months earlier. For the second time in recent history I allowed myself to stay in a relationship in which I wasn't invested. The worst part of it is that I told myself that I would never do that again after the way I left things with Kerry. I finally ended things a week ago, but I imagine the guilt will be with me for several months to come.
Anyways, as things went south with Roxy and I, I found myself thinking more and more about Anna. I remained strong and still haven't heard from her in 14 months, but I have found myself missing her so much lately. In part I think it's partly the depression/loneliness of getting out of a relationship that is fueling my rhuminations. To be honest, the whole time I've been in Massachusetts this week (for internship interviews) I've found myself desperate for companionship. I've looked at every cute girl that's passed me with a look that screams "please talk to me". And so, as I have been haunted by thoughts of Anna, I've tried to tell myself that the intensity will decrease with time. But to some degree I know that that is all that will change. The INTENSITY of the thoughts. The FREQUENCY. But not the thoughts themself.
The fact of the matter is, I still love her. Even after 14 months of seporation, my feelings for her have not changed. In some ways it has been depressing, sitting in the same Starbucks, working on the same novel and pining over the same girl. It's been 4 years, and I feel as though I have made so much progress on myself, my health and my happiness. And yet when it comes to Anna, nothing's changed.
I guess that's not entirely true. Some things have changed. In part I've accepted that she's not who she was 10 years ago. The fact of the matter is, I love the new her as much as the old. And that is part of what has changed. I've come to appreciate who she is more, and when I think of her my thoughts carry with them as much love and happiness as they do loss. She is my light, my hope, my Anna.
But she's not MINE. She doesn't even know how I feel. Even now...
For better or worse, I love you Anna.
I guess that's all I really needed to get out. Time to get on my flight, and keep "moving on".
Posted via m.livejournal.com.