Somebody please put the baby to sleep
After a week of feeling like I was going to die of the sads, I finally realized my problem was Dr. Pepper. Okay, so not really Dr. Pepper but totally Dr. Pepper because I got back into drinking it with lunch, which caused my whole brain to fall apart.
Sometimes I am just not particularly self aware.
I got my period, which always leads to extreme fatigue. I usually watch sad movies and sleep a lot that week, but last week I stayed up every night watching teevee with Ian and generally enjoying time with my husband. Except, I wasn't really enjoying it because just below my breastbone was an ocean of tears I spent my time trying to suppress. All day and all night it was there, threatening but not breaking through because of course I've spent my whole life keeping that business contained which is why I watch sad movies.
Anyway.
So I was drinking Dr. Pepper every day at lunch, which doesn't make me energetic so much as it just makes it impossible to sleep before one in the morning. This doesn't get me enough sleep of course so I am tired all day. Which makes me reach for the Dr. Pepper at lunch, and then I am a really boring circular flow chart. Not the most clever I've ever been. Though, it does let me stay up watching teevee while enjoying my husband's company so there is that to be said for sleep deprivation.
I have hula class on Wednesdays, and I really do look forward to it all week long. I usually drag myself to hula on period weeks but I do drag myself there, knowing how much better I'll feel once it's over. But yesterday I nearly wept with exhaustion as I watched the clock get closer to leaving time. All I wanted to do was run away from home and maybe light myself on fire. I wandered around filled with the kind of self....not exactly loathing...but definitely disappointment that I hadn't had to battle in years. I was teetering on the edge of a major depressive episode and started wondering if the Cymbalta had stopped working, or if we needed to up my dosage. Or something. What in the hell was wrong with me?! And my depression answered "everything" because that's just how depression do.
Friends, it took me fucking up all through hula class to remind me about sleep and my need for it. I was such a mess on every dance, not knowing where to put my feet during songs I've known the steps to since before I even started taking lessons. (Iliana took lessons before I did so I already knew how to do the halau's main song from helping her practice.) I kept feeling, not ashamed exactly, but really really amused at my ineptitude. All I wanted was to crawl into a corner and close my eyes for just a second. Just one!
And it was like the slowest a-ha moment on the planet. I realized I hadn't really slept in over a week, and hadn't taken any of my period naps during the most fatigued part of my cycle. I was like, what to do what to do? And finally my partially awake brain screamed "DON'T DRINK THE FUCKING SODA AT LUNCH YOU DUMBASS" and I was like oooOOOooooooOOOooo because it really was a revelation. That is how not functional it is to ignore fatigue.
So I came home after picking up Iliana from school and basically slept on the couch until Ian came home and made me eat a sandwich. Then I went back to sleep and slept some more until I had to take Iliana back to school this morning. And now I am still tired a bit (I would love to get another 3 hours in, tbh) but I no longer want to light myself on fire. I no longer feel desperate and my ocean of tears has dissipated. I feel like a totally ordinary tired human, instead of human garbage.
Why, oh whyyyyyy do I not remember sleep first off the bat when I'm on the edge? The world and I will never know, though I'm sure I'll have many more opportunities to enjoy this exactly revelation. Like maybe in a month, because I absolutely cannot be taught. And goddammit, caffeine free Dr. Pepper of the non-diet variety is kind of tough to get a hold of. What fucking baloney.
Baloney, I fucking say.
Sometimes I am just not particularly self aware.
I got my period, which always leads to extreme fatigue. I usually watch sad movies and sleep a lot that week, but last week I stayed up every night watching teevee with Ian and generally enjoying time with my husband. Except, I wasn't really enjoying it because just below my breastbone was an ocean of tears I spent my time trying to suppress. All day and all night it was there, threatening but not breaking through because of course I've spent my whole life keeping that business contained which is why I watch sad movies.
Anyway.
So I was drinking Dr. Pepper every day at lunch, which doesn't make me energetic so much as it just makes it impossible to sleep before one in the morning. This doesn't get me enough sleep of course so I am tired all day. Which makes me reach for the Dr. Pepper at lunch, and then I am a really boring circular flow chart. Not the most clever I've ever been. Though, it does let me stay up watching teevee while enjoying my husband's company so there is that to be said for sleep deprivation.
I have hula class on Wednesdays, and I really do look forward to it all week long. I usually drag myself to hula on period weeks but I do drag myself there, knowing how much better I'll feel once it's over. But yesterday I nearly wept with exhaustion as I watched the clock get closer to leaving time. All I wanted to do was run away from home and maybe light myself on fire. I wandered around filled with the kind of self....not exactly loathing...but definitely disappointment that I hadn't had to battle in years. I was teetering on the edge of a major depressive episode and started wondering if the Cymbalta had stopped working, or if we needed to up my dosage. Or something. What in the hell was wrong with me?! And my depression answered "everything" because that's just how depression do.
Friends, it took me fucking up all through hula class to remind me about sleep and my need for it. I was such a mess on every dance, not knowing where to put my feet during songs I've known the steps to since before I even started taking lessons. (Iliana took lessons before I did so I already knew how to do the halau's main song from helping her practice.) I kept feeling, not ashamed exactly, but really really amused at my ineptitude. All I wanted was to crawl into a corner and close my eyes for just a second. Just one!
And it was like the slowest a-ha moment on the planet. I realized I hadn't really slept in over a week, and hadn't taken any of my period naps during the most fatigued part of my cycle. I was like, what to do what to do? And finally my partially awake brain screamed "DON'T DRINK THE FUCKING SODA AT LUNCH YOU DUMBASS" and I was like oooOOOooooooOOOooo because it really was a revelation. That is how not functional it is to ignore fatigue.
So I came home after picking up Iliana from school and basically slept on the couch until Ian came home and made me eat a sandwich. Then I went back to sleep and slept some more until I had to take Iliana back to school this morning. And now I am still tired a bit (I would love to get another 3 hours in, tbh) but I no longer want to light myself on fire. I no longer feel desperate and my ocean of tears has dissipated. I feel like a totally ordinary tired human, instead of human garbage.
Why, oh whyyyyyy do I not remember sleep first off the bat when I'm on the edge? The world and I will never know, though I'm sure I'll have many more opportunities to enjoy this exactly revelation. Like maybe in a month, because I absolutely cannot be taught. And goddammit, caffeine free Dr. Pepper of the non-diet variety is kind of tough to get a hold of. What fucking baloney.
Baloney, I fucking say.