I will hold my breath for you, till I can't feel it...

[runningdry]

So many emotions, so many lies, so much confusion. When I thought I knew what it was I was after, I was wrong. No matter how hard you try, some pains just don't go away. And even though you know somethings wrong, you can't change how you feel. And no matter how hard you try, there's always those moments when it all comes back. So many times I've told myself *ffffffd* so many times I said I wouldn't *ffffffd* but no matter what I do it comes right back to fffffd* Sometimes I wish I would have never come across *ffffffd* I don't see why I can't shake this. Maybe it's not even about *fffffffd* maybe I'm just lost. Lately I have been so confused, there are so many different things I'm feeling and some of them are good feelings but then others cut just like a knife through your heart. They all say time heals everything, well time does not heal all wounds. There's no one I can really talk to about how I'm feeling, and if I did I know exactly what they would say...and I know all of this shit, but it doesn't change what I'm feeling. I don't even know what it is I'm feeling. It's so confusing. I just wish there was someone I could really trust, that could help me get past this. But there's not. I am going to have to find a way to cope and learn to deal with it on my own. But I don't want to do it on my own. I can't make it alone. No one understands, no one will ever understand, because for them to understand I'd have to explain this long story and I'm sorry but I don't think anyone cares that much about what I'm feeling to sit there and listen to me for about an hour. No. But maybe someone will prove me wrong. I doubt it though. I have no faith anymore, everything is becomming so confusing, I never seem to do anything right, and when I think I'm doing something right it comes right back at me and it's like shoving it in my face, that I made a mistake or a bad choice. I don't like feeling this way, I hate it, it makes me sick. But there's nothing I can do to change it. Well there is I just haven't figured out what exactly is my problem yet. The only time I'm truely happy is when I'm drinking or already drunk, or with my boyfriend. He's the sweetest guy in the world. Yes, I believe I can talk to him about anything, but ehh..you wouldn't understand. If I could go back in time, I would do a lot of things different. Sometimes I wish I could just start life over, like press a rewind button and do it all again.

* Open up my eyes, flooded with daylight
Another sleepless night turns color black and white
With all the things I've said
There is just regret, repeating in my head *