33.
I'm trying to quit smoking. I know it's bad for me. I just don't want to. I can't help it if I like the way it feels to hold a cigarette in one hand, a Mike's Hard Lemonade in the other, and watch the sexiest man alive playing a video game. I can't help it if I give in to physical pleasures.
Maybe I have a problem.
I'm not addicted to the nicotine. No, really. I'm not. I can quit smoking long enough to get past the physical addiction. But then all it takes is someone to walk by smoking one. Someone to give me a drink. Or maybe someone to pack a pipe. And there goes the craving again.
That's just how life is though, isn't it? You can get past your problems, your little addictions, but certain things will happen that trigger that craving and you just don't want to quit.
I've never been in a more confused yet blissful state in my life. I don't have to worry about him checking all of my things to make sure I'm faithful. Even if he does have doubts, he won't. He's not a freakishly obsessive boyfriend. Not that he should doubt me. The one guy he didn't want me to see, understandably, I've quit seeing. Yes, sometimes I find it hard to not go to his house as I normally would have. Yes, sometimes I get sad because we could have had a great friendship.
But I would rather go through that sadness a thousand times a day than give Mak any cause to leave me.
I have never been this afraid. I'm afraid of what my heart is screaming at me. I don't want to ignore it, yet I feel that I have no other choice. If I let my feelins run free as I usually do I'm so afraid that I'll scare him off. He says that he can't say it. That he has had problems with that word in his past. I don't throw it around either. I might have a couple of years ago.. but not now. And so I don't know what to do.
1] Do I tell him what I feel and hope that he doesn't leave? When we talked about it last, I thanked him for not freaking out about it. He said he wouldn't. That he does care about me deeply. It's just that word.
2] Do I just leave my feelings where they are inside? I wouldn't mind doing that. If I know that me saying anything will hurt our relationship I'll hold it inside. But would that hurt me? What would it do to me to keep my feelings inside with no release?
I have one thing to say. If you read this, please don't patronize me. Don't tell me I'm too young to feel it. That I don't know what I'm talking about. That isn't what I need, nor will I ever. I just want help. I feel so alone in this because I can't ask him what to do. Despite how badly I want to.
Happier than ever yet terrified,
-MC.
Maybe I have a problem.
I'm not addicted to the nicotine. No, really. I'm not. I can quit smoking long enough to get past the physical addiction. But then all it takes is someone to walk by smoking one. Someone to give me a drink. Or maybe someone to pack a pipe. And there goes the craving again.
That's just how life is though, isn't it? You can get past your problems, your little addictions, but certain things will happen that trigger that craving and you just don't want to quit.
I've never been in a more confused yet blissful state in my life. I don't have to worry about him checking all of my things to make sure I'm faithful. Even if he does have doubts, he won't. He's not a freakishly obsessive boyfriend. Not that he should doubt me. The one guy he didn't want me to see, understandably, I've quit seeing. Yes, sometimes I find it hard to not go to his house as I normally would have. Yes, sometimes I get sad because we could have had a great friendship.
But I would rather go through that sadness a thousand times a day than give Mak any cause to leave me.
I have never been this afraid. I'm afraid of what my heart is screaming at me. I don't want to ignore it, yet I feel that I have no other choice. If I let my feelins run free as I usually do I'm so afraid that I'll scare him off. He says that he can't say it. That he has had problems with that word in his past. I don't throw it around either. I might have a couple of years ago.. but not now. And so I don't know what to do.
1] Do I tell him what I feel and hope that he doesn't leave? When we talked about it last, I thanked him for not freaking out about it. He said he wouldn't. That he does care about me deeply. It's just that word.
2] Do I just leave my feelings where they are inside? I wouldn't mind doing that. If I know that me saying anything will hurt our relationship I'll hold it inside. But would that hurt me? What would it do to me to keep my feelings inside with no release?
I have one thing to say. If you read this, please don't patronize me. Don't tell me I'm too young to feel it. That I don't know what I'm talking about. That isn't what I need, nor will I ever. I just want help. I feel so alone in this because I can't ask him what to do. Despite how badly I want to.
Happier than ever yet terrified,
-MC.