51.
And so, I have opened my eyes to Truth and Love.
I have seen things in this world I have never seen before.
I have experienced feelings I refuse to let fade away.
I came into this world a caterpillar, inching along. Content with the little of the world I could see. Then I became a cocoon. I was safe and warm in the bedding I had made myself. I didn't want or need to see anything else, and I thought I had come to the place I would always be. Then, I became the Butterfly. Now I can see more. I can traverse the wild paths and create my own dizzy, meandering way through the Forest.
Lately, I have been in such a mood to write, but every time I put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) my mind freezes. The inspiration that is close to bubbling out of me, refuses to let itself manifest in a physical form I can share with other people. I can't even say what I'm feeling. Words just can't describe this glorious feeling. I'm....happy. But that isn't even close.
Let's see if I can get some of this out so I don't explode:
My first experience of Love was in high school. I was young, yes, I know, but I still knew what I felt. And this isn't a "puppy-love-feels-real-to-the-puppy" deal. This was Love. Is Love. But when things didn't go the way I had wanted them to, I pushed that Love to the inner recesses of my heart, to a place where I couldn't let it go, because this Love won't just end, but a place where I could live my life without losing my sanity. Or much more anyway.
Then I thought I felt Love again. Two more times, actually. I don't feel I led them on, because at the time, I felt that I did Love them. But I just loved them. It wasn't the all-consuming love I had felt before. I think I knew it. Somewhere in my mind I had misgivings and knew I shouldn't put much of myself into the realtionship, shouldn't take many risks, because it was never 'meant' to last. So, I kept breaking it off with the man and the boy I had fallen for. I kept going back. Why? Because I was afraid. I was afraid I would never be able to experience the Love I held in my heart. That if I truly let go of what I already had, I would be alone. I was afraid to take the risk of leaving something comfortable, for something amazing that might never happen.
When I had finally put those two behind me, I found another amazing man. This man I Love. I do Love him, not in the way I Love my first, but in a new and brilliant way. Not to say the other isn't brilliant. I've never been so deep into a relationship as I am now, and it's opening my eyes to new things, to a side of commitment I honestly never thought I would have. With the way my past had gone, I thought maybe I wasn't 'meant' to be with anyone forever. That I would love and lose and live my life that way. But Mak brought me something more. At first it was only a physical attraction. At least with me it was. I didn't go into this relationship thinking something huge would come out of it. I thought things would go as they had always gone, and either I would fuck it up royally, or he would get tired and leave.
Little did I know that I would fall in Love with him, and he with me. I'm still not sure if he Loves me, but I know he loves me. And for now, that is enough. He holds me when I cry. He forgives me when I make mistakes. He makes me laugh. He makes me happy. He doesn't abuse me, mentally, emotionally, or physcially, and he understands that I am a free spirit, yet he keeps me close so I don't fly away like the Butterfly in me wants to.
We just.. work.
And once I realized that nothing is or is not 'meant' to be, and that I shape my own life and my own future, I have become free. I feel a complete one-ness with everything around me. The trees, the rain, the grass, the earth, the animals, the people, everything.
And see, this is why I love having this livejournal!
That's the feeling I've had!
It's Universal Unity. Ah. What a great feeling.
I love you all! All of you!
-Goddess.
I have seen things in this world I have never seen before.
I have experienced feelings I refuse to let fade away.
I came into this world a caterpillar, inching along. Content with the little of the world I could see. Then I became a cocoon. I was safe and warm in the bedding I had made myself. I didn't want or need to see anything else, and I thought I had come to the place I would always be. Then, I became the Butterfly. Now I can see more. I can traverse the wild paths and create my own dizzy, meandering way through the Forest.
Lately, I have been in such a mood to write, but every time I put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) my mind freezes. The inspiration that is close to bubbling out of me, refuses to let itself manifest in a physical form I can share with other people. I can't even say what I'm feeling. Words just can't describe this glorious feeling. I'm....happy. But that isn't even close.
Let's see if I can get some of this out so I don't explode:
My first experience of Love was in high school. I was young, yes, I know, but I still knew what I felt. And this isn't a "puppy-love-feels-real-to-the-puppy" deal. This was Love. Is Love. But when things didn't go the way I had wanted them to, I pushed that Love to the inner recesses of my heart, to a place where I couldn't let it go, because this Love won't just end, but a place where I could live my life without losing my sanity. Or much more anyway.
Then I thought I felt Love again. Two more times, actually. I don't feel I led them on, because at the time, I felt that I did Love them. But I just loved them. It wasn't the all-consuming love I had felt before. I think I knew it. Somewhere in my mind I had misgivings and knew I shouldn't put much of myself into the realtionship, shouldn't take many risks, because it was never 'meant' to last. So, I kept breaking it off with the man and the boy I had fallen for. I kept going back. Why? Because I was afraid. I was afraid I would never be able to experience the Love I held in my heart. That if I truly let go of what I already had, I would be alone. I was afraid to take the risk of leaving something comfortable, for something amazing that might never happen.
When I had finally put those two behind me, I found another amazing man. This man I Love. I do Love him, not in the way I Love my first, but in a new and brilliant way. Not to say the other isn't brilliant. I've never been so deep into a relationship as I am now, and it's opening my eyes to new things, to a side of commitment I honestly never thought I would have. With the way my past had gone, I thought maybe I wasn't 'meant' to be with anyone forever. That I would love and lose and live my life that way. But Mak brought me something more. At first it was only a physical attraction. At least with me it was. I didn't go into this relationship thinking something huge would come out of it. I thought things would go as they had always gone, and either I would fuck it up royally, or he would get tired and leave.
Little did I know that I would fall in Love with him, and he with me. I'm still not sure if he Loves me, but I know he loves me. And for now, that is enough. He holds me when I cry. He forgives me when I make mistakes. He makes me laugh. He makes me happy. He doesn't abuse me, mentally, emotionally, or physcially, and he understands that I am a free spirit, yet he keeps me close so I don't fly away like the Butterfly in me wants to.
We just.. work.
And once I realized that nothing is or is not 'meant' to be, and that I shape my own life and my own future, I have become free. I feel a complete one-ness with everything around me. The trees, the rain, the grass, the earth, the animals, the people, everything.
And see, this is why I love having this livejournal!
That's the feeling I've had!
It's Universal Unity. Ah. What a great feeling.
I love you all! All of you!
-Goddess.