(no subject)
i was just lying on the floor trying to be crying and it didn't work, i couldn't and i told her i was going to bed and she tod me she'd be nice to me, it was fine at that moment her voice was soft and it was okay, and then i did go to bed so she could talk me off to sleep even though i didn't want her to because it was a thing, a thing that used to be done by someone else and i didn't want that connection just right now and then she got mean instead and curt heard me and wanted to laugh at us but didn't and she yelled at me and why weren't we fine maybe we never were and she said she'd shelve it all but that's what we always do and we never deal with it and maybe that's why we're here now she yelled at me again and i said i needed to sleep and she said no, she yelled at me agian and said all this stuff that was wrong and it's the stuff i was talking about the problems we have that i want to fix if it can be fixed so i can be sure so it feels right case that's what my mom said it was like when she married my dad and what everyone i've ever asked has said that it just feels right and i hate all the fighting and it doesn't feel right i love her i love her i know i love her but can THIS relationship THIS set of interactions the way we talk to eachother and the way she doesn't have faith in me and how we fight i dont' care if she fought more with jimmy cause that's not us and i've never fought like this and i refuse to i won't marry someone that fights with me like this all the time about troy and she doesn't think i take her out enough and it's just -- our puzzle pieces don't fit right just yet but they can i believe above all else because we want them to we will and can get through anything together holding eachother up and i love that about her she'l always be there and be a rock star about it all in a pinch but in the down time when it's just her and i and our lives she listed all the things that make it clear to ME that we have work to do before we should even think about doing this forever thing where our souls get mixed and we're together for always i want to i want to with her but i won't do it if it's not right i won't do that to her and she thought i took back the proposal or that it was never there why can't she understand that what i said while camping was i love you so much i love you that much but i don't know if my love is enough to make it work why can't she take it for what it is and not make it more make it something different i understand that she wants it to be that way who wouldn't want that perfect bliss but if it isn't how can you demand it to be so whe yelled at me then she said she was hanging up i guess so she could say you're not fireing me i quit in a way, so she could have the power some control know something was real cause i don't know why but she just don't seem to think that i'll ever love her enough or be ready or feel safe cause i don't feel safe escpecially when nights like this happen i told her i didn't want to do this on the phone but she didn't listen and she forced it to be this way tonight and i'm huddleing cold and my roommates are changing the subject to try and help and we're so far now what can i do? she said she doesn't want to see me or hear from me she just wants me to go away and work my doubles and ignore her what like jimmy mother fucker did? fuck no i don't care how many times she draws paralells between the two relationships i am not that guy and this is not that time and we will not ever be like that how oculd i ignore her when she's the only thing i have a whole new life waiting for me that i should be getting ready for but i put it on hold, set it aside for her for us she's the only thing i'm trying to bring with me into my new world and why isn't that good enough for her why am i as i am not good enough for her she always beats me down and TELLS me how i feel tells me i don't think she's good enough how dare she! and how dare she try to use victoria- she doesn't know what that was or how it played out- nicole i left her and that place because i had a dream to chase and unfortunatly that meant going away from her but i went off to become a better man for her so when we were together again there would be nothing in the world left i would want but her and that time came where she was the only thing in the world i wanted my life was complete in all ways in ALL WAYS but her, and she was there and she didn't want me and i THREW myself at her, begged her, would do anything she asked but she would not have me in ANY capasity but as a friend she could flaunt other boys in front of after she had told me that we would be together. i know exactly how you feel and worse. i told you "when i'm ready" and she told me "thursday". you want the rest of my life, all i wanted from her was a day, an hour, and i was told NO. never. all i've asked from you is time because it may take more than that very personally altering year for both of us before i'm ready to put a ring on your finger- it'll take until i can tell you what's in my heart and not have to cry or be terrified for it.
This isn't an ultimatum, it's just what I am and am not willing to do.
why can't we why can't we why can't we why can't we i don't want to lose you i dont' want you to lose me if i'm what you really want i want to give you what you want but i just can't hand it over Because you want it. i love you so much and that's the point and that's all a life long relationship is so why can't you be happy with this that we have and why can't you have faith in me and why can't you get past that i'm not jimmy and am not going to treat you that way i know you know that i'm not and i know you don't think of me that way but you still treat me like it and you've always compaired me to him compaired us to you two and i never ever want to hurt you never i've never wanted to hurt you and i hate that no matter what i do you get hurt and how can i marry you if i'm always hurting you unknowingly? if you're not understanding me now what's to say that'll change with a ring? or in one year? nothing is assured but i keep trying i want to try i want it to work please let's work i know we can we have before and we can agian. and i don't want to go but i must so i will.
This isn't an ultimatum, it's just what I am and am not willing to do.
why can't we why can't we why can't we why can't we i don't want to lose you i dont' want you to lose me if i'm what you really want i want to give you what you want but i just can't hand it over Because you want it. i love you so much and that's the point and that's all a life long relationship is so why can't you be happy with this that we have and why can't you have faith in me and why can't you get past that i'm not jimmy and am not going to treat you that way i know you know that i'm not and i know you don't think of me that way but you still treat me like it and you've always compaired me to him compaired us to you two and i never ever want to hurt you never i've never wanted to hurt you and i hate that no matter what i do you get hurt and how can i marry you if i'm always hurting you unknowingly? if you're not understanding me now what's to say that'll change with a ring? or in one year? nothing is assured but i keep trying i want to try i want it to work please let's work i know we can we have before and we can agian. and i don't want to go but i must so i will.