a conversation with myself
do i try to save this thing?
it wouldn't be hard
just put on a suit
stand at her window
with a music box
playing that version of the song she hates that she likes
cause she'd get i'm being sweet
and that i mean it
and cause i'm there
it means i'm sorry
and i'm ready to say i'm sorry
but i'm not ready tonight
the cold and the hungry cause i couldn't eat all day
don't matter
i'm not ready to go up to her and honestly say
it's all okay
but if i don't go now
tonight
she'll think i don't care
or she'll come to me first
cause she's cried it all out
she'll be ready to make things right
and i won't be
and if i let her make it right
then it'll be just another time that
"she was the one who put herself out there, 100% and you just don't seem to care"
i care
gods i don't think you realize it
do i want to go to her
even if i was ready now
do i want this back
this fighting and
"you're an asshole and you're hurting me cause you're not ready"
either from her lips or her eyes
hurts worse the silent say
cause then i ask
"well, am i ready?"
and i have to decide that
and i hate how she just says to decide or not to
like it's that fucking simple
she says she wants a sure thing
and this sure as hell is not a sure thing.
hurting all the time cause she wants to marry me
because she knows i'll do the right thing
and i've not married her
because it's the right thing.
she... hurts me... by loving me...?
that's just utter none sence.
she shows she love me, by hurting me?
now that could be, but not so planely.
i know this isn't some game to her
this is life
but she wants life by her rules
and her rules will say that
if i don't come to her now
or soon
that it's over
i think
that's what i think.
but if i go to her now
will all this anger so fresh
and it's still in my system running around
and she'll wanna talk about what happened
and pin it on me
cause we do that as people
"when you did this thing wrong, that's why i did the thing that wasn't wrong to me but you saw it as wrong cause you see things that way. you should stop that, cause then we wouldn't fight."
i'd get defensive
then she'd get defensive
and she'd cry
cause, well, she's a crier.
took me a while to get that, but she's just like my mom. a crier. it's what they do.
and i'd get all prtective of her,
my flower
my jewel
and fight off the monster attacking her
me
i'd fight me in my head
then
when she's not looking
and all the time after.
that's not good for me
i think.
doing that... would be wrong.
cause i'd end up blameing her for it
somehow
cause she is a part of the equations sure
and...
we hate blaming ourselves.
so if i go to her and tell her that "i'm not ready to talk about all this but i wanted to come and tell you in person, to show you that i care, but i'm just not ready, i'm still too hurt."
how big a step is that?
i'm so late for work.
i should have gone back a long time ago.
i told them i'd be gone 45 minutes.
it's been and hour and a half.
would she accept that?
she'd say it was fucking bull shit.
that i'm yanking her around.
she wants me all or nothing
yeah. that's it really.
which is not the worst thing to ask.
my smart ass self says i should say "prove it. prove you're worth it."
she'd say "i've been there right from the begining, driving over to see you re arranging my schedule..."
and all that.
but she drives over and yells at me
am i that much of a pussy? that i'll whine and say "but self, she yells at us!"
do i want this?
she's reading this saying "it's things like this that make me worry..."
like i'm not allowed to wonder
to imagine
does it make her worry that i imagine what it'd be like to defect to the terrorists, just to see what they're point of view is?
i know i'd be killed
so i don't wanna
but i think about it
but it's just thinking.
do i want it? this. us.
this fighting.
if i marry her will it stop?
she say's it's not the ring that makes her fight.
so i'll run with that.
so we're married.
so she's not scared of commitment from me anymore.
what's left?
she reacts quicker to things, situations, she get's throught them sooner than i, or wants responces sooner
that'll still be there
we're fighting about that right now
all the shit she keeps bringing up
her birthday
christmas
god if i just bought her a shiney would it stop?
no.
why didn't i do more for that?
pre occupied
we really have had so much shit going on
more than she knows
could i have?
yeah.
did i?
no.
will she forgive us?
... she doesn't seem the forgiving type.
she doesn't mention it, but she always remembers, and holds it agianst you always.
i don't like that.
she'll hold this agianst us, you know.
but it's honest.
isn't that the worst part?
so come on fucker, what're you gonna do?
i could call her
but that never ends well
go to her?....
it's always the same.
we fight
we cry
we cuddle
we say we're sorry
and we really really do mean it
we're sorry it happened but we don't ever do anything to change it
we love eachother so much
but we conflict in so many ways.
good buisness partners, her book says
i can believe that
working towards one goal
and if we were married we'd make bad ass kids and a home
but god damn....
how can she think that she could stand me for the rest of her life?
does she think her life is not her own?
that she's to use it to serve something else?
her daughters perhaps.
i could see her thinking like that.
maybe that's maturity.
not being selfish, childish i mean, selfish with your life
saying "MINE! for FUN!"
and giving it to the work
maturing, giving away
and the work makes something.
the work could be your life
but you, the person doing it, suffering though it seeing it and saying
"this is what i shall do"
that's maturity.
that all sounds well and good in theroy.
i could just as easily be wrong.
how do i know?
i live it
and when i'm old i may not even then have all the awnsers
and then i'm dead and have done nothing
but if i do that thing i just said
and i'm wrong
then i end up the same place
with no ammount of suffering to mention
cause i may get by without any
i'm tough, after all
the tao, that was my logic.
she's made no effort to understand it.
i tell her i have a spiritual life
i dont' think she believes me
because it's in my thoughts
as all spiritual lives are
but i don't need an alter
to worship existing.
being through not being.
so respectable monkhood is
yet so sad too
that at the end you may have no more enlightenment
that a buisness man who saw the right things.
do i go to her?
not tonight.
i genuinly don't want to.
not want to put fourth the effort?
no, the drive means nothing.
hell, if i wanted to get there and there was no other way i'd walk.
when i set my mind to something...
need time?
of course.
what'll you do when she shows up?
i don't know.
i don't want to tell her to go away. she drove all the way out here
and that means so much to her.
turing her away would be an insult.
i'm scared if i don't act quickly, she'll just leave me
would you hate that?
i don't want to leave her, i don't want to leave someone who loves me again, because i'm stupid about something.
but if she leaves you?
if she leaves me then she'll do if becaues she thinks it's right. and if she's wrong she'll then do what she thinks is right.
maybe come back?
maybe.
stranger things have happened.
but you love her.
yes.
if she leaves you won't it hurt?
of course. but if she leaves me it's cause she thinks it's right, and what's right is what's best for her, so leaveing me would be what's best for her and that's what i want. it'd hurt, but i'd accept it.
is that maturity?
i suppose so.
but do you want her to go?
no.
i want the fights to stop.
what'll stop them?
what will stop them?
if i knew that, they wouldn't happen.
i tried loveing her so much it hurt.
so you need more than love?
that's right.
fucking john lennon.
you know, she'll read this
maybe
probably
yeah.
is it enough?
enough what?
effort.
a conversation with myself?
in a way.
fucking over your work to sit and talk to her?
i know what an effor that is. i doubt she'd care. she hates our job.
hates it because it's a resturaunt.
yeah.
well, she puts stuff up on live journal all the time
suppose she thinks it's enough
for her
so why not be enough for us?
because we said we did things "bigger, brighter!" kinda gotta live up to that.
but in everything? in human heart pain that we carry with us forever?
"ohhh, i'll hurt myself more than you!"
yeah, i see what you mean.
i hope she knows we're sorry.
waht's we sorry for?
that she's crying.
is it our fault?
if she didn't know us, we wouldn't be making her cry.
but she'd be crying for someone.
but not us.
so by our very existence, it's our fault.
the albatros we wear.
okay, whatever, martyr fuck.
gives us purpouse in life
yeah, well, maybe we need to figure something else out than being the mantle for shame in the world.
yeah, i'll get right on that.
no seriously, you're carrying around all this fucking baggage, and look how it's fucking shit up with nicole.
well...
dont' give me that well crap, you sound like all your shitty room mates. "well..." just means "you're right, but i don't wanna admit it to myself."
well fuck.
we've got bigger problems than our relationship with nicole.
shit we need to sort out on our own.
are we hiding from it, same way nick hides from his shit, except we don't need the pot?
well, this is what we used to do in the journal.
yeah, but we used to convince ourselves of such fantastic things.
like- it's better that we don't go over to nicole's tonight and beg forgivness cause it would just perpetuate the problems we're having and not actually solve anything.
are we right about that?
who knows. can't really ask anyone's advise about it. no one knows US that well. us as in nicole and jonny.
we could ask nicole.
she probably hates us right now.
there you go being down on yourself agian.
stop it with that shit! you're a fine lad.
there we go, being my own best friend agian.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
it wouldn't be hard
just put on a suit
stand at her window
with a music box
playing that version of the song she hates that she likes
cause she'd get i'm being sweet
and that i mean it
and cause i'm there
it means i'm sorry
and i'm ready to say i'm sorry
but i'm not ready tonight
the cold and the hungry cause i couldn't eat all day
don't matter
i'm not ready to go up to her and honestly say
it's all okay
but if i don't go now
tonight
she'll think i don't care
or she'll come to me first
cause she's cried it all out
she'll be ready to make things right
and i won't be
and if i let her make it right
then it'll be just another time that
"she was the one who put herself out there, 100% and you just don't seem to care"
i care
gods i don't think you realize it
do i want to go to her
even if i was ready now
do i want this back
this fighting and
"you're an asshole and you're hurting me cause you're not ready"
either from her lips or her eyes
hurts worse the silent say
cause then i ask
"well, am i ready?"
and i have to decide that
and i hate how she just says to decide or not to
like it's that fucking simple
she says she wants a sure thing
and this sure as hell is not a sure thing.
hurting all the time cause she wants to marry me
because she knows i'll do the right thing
and i've not married her
because it's the right thing.
she... hurts me... by loving me...?
that's just utter none sence.
she shows she love me, by hurting me?
now that could be, but not so planely.
i know this isn't some game to her
this is life
but she wants life by her rules
and her rules will say that
if i don't come to her now
or soon
that it's over
i think
that's what i think.
but if i go to her now
will all this anger so fresh
and it's still in my system running around
and she'll wanna talk about what happened
and pin it on me
cause we do that as people
"when you did this thing wrong, that's why i did the thing that wasn't wrong to me but you saw it as wrong cause you see things that way. you should stop that, cause then we wouldn't fight."
i'd get defensive
then she'd get defensive
and she'd cry
cause, well, she's a crier.
took me a while to get that, but she's just like my mom. a crier. it's what they do.
and i'd get all prtective of her,
my flower
my jewel
and fight off the monster attacking her
me
i'd fight me in my head
then
when she's not looking
and all the time after.
that's not good for me
i think.
doing that... would be wrong.
cause i'd end up blameing her for it
somehow
cause she is a part of the equations sure
and...
we hate blaming ourselves.
so if i go to her and tell her that "i'm not ready to talk about all this but i wanted to come and tell you in person, to show you that i care, but i'm just not ready, i'm still too hurt."
how big a step is that?
i'm so late for work.
i should have gone back a long time ago.
i told them i'd be gone 45 minutes.
it's been and hour and a half.
would she accept that?
she'd say it was fucking bull shit.
that i'm yanking her around.
she wants me all or nothing
yeah. that's it really.
which is not the worst thing to ask.
my smart ass self says i should say "prove it. prove you're worth it."
she'd say "i've been there right from the begining, driving over to see you re arranging my schedule..."
and all that.
but she drives over and yells at me
am i that much of a pussy? that i'll whine and say "but self, she yells at us!"
do i want this?
she's reading this saying "it's things like this that make me worry..."
like i'm not allowed to wonder
to imagine
does it make her worry that i imagine what it'd be like to defect to the terrorists, just to see what they're point of view is?
i know i'd be killed
so i don't wanna
but i think about it
but it's just thinking.
do i want it? this. us.
this fighting.
if i marry her will it stop?
she say's it's not the ring that makes her fight.
so i'll run with that.
so we're married.
so she's not scared of commitment from me anymore.
what's left?
she reacts quicker to things, situations, she get's throught them sooner than i, or wants responces sooner
that'll still be there
we're fighting about that right now
all the shit she keeps bringing up
her birthday
christmas
god if i just bought her a shiney would it stop?
no.
why didn't i do more for that?
pre occupied
we really have had so much shit going on
more than she knows
could i have?
yeah.
did i?
no.
will she forgive us?
... she doesn't seem the forgiving type.
she doesn't mention it, but she always remembers, and holds it agianst you always.
i don't like that.
she'll hold this agianst us, you know.
but it's honest.
isn't that the worst part?
so come on fucker, what're you gonna do?
i could call her
but that never ends well
go to her?....
it's always the same.
we fight
we cry
we cuddle
we say we're sorry
and we really really do mean it
we're sorry it happened but we don't ever do anything to change it
we love eachother so much
but we conflict in so many ways.
good buisness partners, her book says
i can believe that
working towards one goal
and if we were married we'd make bad ass kids and a home
but god damn....
how can she think that she could stand me for the rest of her life?
does she think her life is not her own?
that she's to use it to serve something else?
her daughters perhaps.
i could see her thinking like that.
maybe that's maturity.
not being selfish, childish i mean, selfish with your life
saying "MINE! for FUN!"
and giving it to the work
maturing, giving away
and the work makes something.
the work could be your life
but you, the person doing it, suffering though it seeing it and saying
"this is what i shall do"
that's maturity.
that all sounds well and good in theroy.
i could just as easily be wrong.
how do i know?
i live it
and when i'm old i may not even then have all the awnsers
and then i'm dead and have done nothing
but if i do that thing i just said
and i'm wrong
then i end up the same place
with no ammount of suffering to mention
cause i may get by without any
i'm tough, after all
the tao, that was my logic.
she's made no effort to understand it.
i tell her i have a spiritual life
i dont' think she believes me
because it's in my thoughts
as all spiritual lives are
but i don't need an alter
to worship existing.
being through not being.
so respectable monkhood is
yet so sad too
that at the end you may have no more enlightenment
that a buisness man who saw the right things.
do i go to her?
not tonight.
i genuinly don't want to.
not want to put fourth the effort?
no, the drive means nothing.
hell, if i wanted to get there and there was no other way i'd walk.
when i set my mind to something...
need time?
of course.
what'll you do when she shows up?
i don't know.
i don't want to tell her to go away. she drove all the way out here
and that means so much to her.
turing her away would be an insult.
i'm scared if i don't act quickly, she'll just leave me
would you hate that?
i don't want to leave her, i don't want to leave someone who loves me again, because i'm stupid about something.
but if she leaves you?
if she leaves me then she'll do if becaues she thinks it's right. and if she's wrong she'll then do what she thinks is right.
maybe come back?
maybe.
stranger things have happened.
but you love her.
yes.
if she leaves you won't it hurt?
of course. but if she leaves me it's cause she thinks it's right, and what's right is what's best for her, so leaveing me would be what's best for her and that's what i want. it'd hurt, but i'd accept it.
is that maturity?
i suppose so.
but do you want her to go?
no.
i want the fights to stop.
what'll stop them?
what will stop them?
if i knew that, they wouldn't happen.
i tried loveing her so much it hurt.
so you need more than love?
that's right.
fucking john lennon.
you know, she'll read this
maybe
probably
yeah.
is it enough?
enough what?
effort.
a conversation with myself?
in a way.
fucking over your work to sit and talk to her?
i know what an effor that is. i doubt she'd care. she hates our job.
hates it because it's a resturaunt.
yeah.
well, she puts stuff up on live journal all the time
suppose she thinks it's enough
for her
so why not be enough for us?
because we said we did things "bigger, brighter!" kinda gotta live up to that.
but in everything? in human heart pain that we carry with us forever?
"ohhh, i'll hurt myself more than you!"
yeah, i see what you mean.
i hope she knows we're sorry.
waht's we sorry for?
that she's crying.
is it our fault?
if she didn't know us, we wouldn't be making her cry.
but she'd be crying for someone.
but not us.
so by our very existence, it's our fault.
the albatros we wear.
okay, whatever, martyr fuck.
gives us purpouse in life
yeah, well, maybe we need to figure something else out than being the mantle for shame in the world.
yeah, i'll get right on that.
no seriously, you're carrying around all this fucking baggage, and look how it's fucking shit up with nicole.
well...
dont' give me that well crap, you sound like all your shitty room mates. "well..." just means "you're right, but i don't wanna admit it to myself."
well fuck.
we've got bigger problems than our relationship with nicole.
shit we need to sort out on our own.
are we hiding from it, same way nick hides from his shit, except we don't need the pot?
well, this is what we used to do in the journal.
yeah, but we used to convince ourselves of such fantastic things.
like- it's better that we don't go over to nicole's tonight and beg forgivness cause it would just perpetuate the problems we're having and not actually solve anything.
are we right about that?
who knows. can't really ask anyone's advise about it. no one knows US that well. us as in nicole and jonny.
we could ask nicole.
she probably hates us right now.
there you go being down on yourself agian.
stop it with that shit! you're a fine lad.
there we go, being my own best friend agian.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------