discovery; self.
.
My mind has been blown by simultaneously remembering, logging onto, and then re-discovering livejournal. re-experiencing the last 6+ years, all over again. going back onto other people's livejournal pages and re-experiencing the last 6+ years through their eyes. through her eyes. through my eyes.
time has a way of working real magic. we've all heard the frequently used expressions, but the reality is so much more powerful. I've lived a lifetime in the last decade, experiences, highs and lows that roller coaster designers would beg to be able to dream up. If you think you have any idea you probably don't, and that's alright. it's a lot to get into.
one of my last entries, the one from Nov 21st 2006, says it all. I probably didn't even know when I was writing it exactly how much it fleshed out what was going on with me at the time. I can't accurately express in words what it was like back then, to live ONE life but feeling like two different people. and what I felt back then wasn't a knock on anyone or anything. the love that I felt was so real, and the sadness that I felt was just as real. I sunk into depression, I sunk into a situation that mired me in dark depths and broke people's hearts. It could've been anyone, but it was me.
I wasn't the only one that made mistakes. I'm sure a lot of that has been forgotten in the fog of time. We tend to skew our memories in the direction of how we want to remember things, instead of how they actually happened, don't they? As much as we were the victim, we were also the damage-dealer. Errors were made on both sides, terrible and devastating mistakes which shaped our futures regardless of whether we wanted them to or not. There's a huge difference between feeling an emotion and knowing how authentic and powerful it is, and simultaneously negotiating a real-world relationship with another individual while everything around you is crumbling. The dichotomy of the situation is absolute and non-negotiable. You love, and yet you struggle. There are many different kinds of chemistry; what I know now that I didn't realize back then is that there are kinds that are meant to last and there are kinds that just can't. Has nothing to do with the intensity of your feelings for that person, or the genuineness of them. Has nothing to do with your hopes and dreams for that relationship, your willingness to change or make it successful, or a big giant man in the sky directing it all. It's just - chemistry. I've learned you need to be friends just as much, if not more, than being in love. It's all too important.
What I want to say is I'm sorry. As much as I'll always hate you (and I will) for some of the inconceivable and terrible things you did, as much as I'll always truly love you (and I will), I'm sorry. For not being ready for what I was thrown into (and also jumped into). For not making the correct decisions. After all, we are only human. For the muck and the terror that I dragged you through, the misery and the pain, the worry and the fear. You'll never know how permanently affected that I've been and always will be, from those few years. I wanted nothing but the best for us, I promise you that. I think it would be crazy to think otherwise. I wanted it to work, I wanted to make you happy, endlessly happy, the happiest you could have possibly been. Because you fucking deserved it. And you still do, and if you're not there now I know you'll be there one day. Just like I will.
August 2012... it's been years, entire years, entire lifetimes as far as I'm concerned. I've gained so many things since I knew you. Since you were my foundation. The last time I saw you, I didn't even want to. I hated the fact that you still existed and you were floundering, grubbing for anything you could, while you still could. I'm over it. I'm over the fact that you kept a 120 year old family heirloom just because you could. I'm over the fact that you fucked your co-worker while being married to me. I'm over the fact that you gave up on me in my biggest time of need. And even if you never read this I'll be satiated in the knowledge that at least I got this down somewhere. I forgive you. I hope you forgive me. I hope you're happy, I really do. I'm really happy right now, and successful, and I look back on our time spent together as a big learning experience. I'm sure you do too. And not all of it was bad - not by any means. A large portion of it was amazing memories. It's sad that the shitty memories come to the surface more, but it was close to 6 years spent together. From Ohio to New York, from Miami to Puerto Rico, we made memories. I hope that there's at least a fraction that you remember that you don't regret.
"To forgive is to set a prisoner free, and to discover that the prisoner was you." - Lewis B Smedes
My mind has been blown by simultaneously remembering, logging onto, and then re-discovering livejournal. re-experiencing the last 6+ years, all over again. going back onto other people's livejournal pages and re-experiencing the last 6+ years through their eyes. through her eyes. through my eyes.
time has a way of working real magic. we've all heard the frequently used expressions, but the reality is so much more powerful. I've lived a lifetime in the last decade, experiences, highs and lows that roller coaster designers would beg to be able to dream up. If you think you have any idea you probably don't, and that's alright. it's a lot to get into.
one of my last entries, the one from Nov 21st 2006, says it all. I probably didn't even know when I was writing it exactly how much it fleshed out what was going on with me at the time. I can't accurately express in words what it was like back then, to live ONE life but feeling like two different people. and what I felt back then wasn't a knock on anyone or anything. the love that I felt was so real, and the sadness that I felt was just as real. I sunk into depression, I sunk into a situation that mired me in dark depths and broke people's hearts. It could've been anyone, but it was me.
I wasn't the only one that made mistakes. I'm sure a lot of that has been forgotten in the fog of time. We tend to skew our memories in the direction of how we want to remember things, instead of how they actually happened, don't they? As much as we were the victim, we were also the damage-dealer. Errors were made on both sides, terrible and devastating mistakes which shaped our futures regardless of whether we wanted them to or not. There's a huge difference between feeling an emotion and knowing how authentic and powerful it is, and simultaneously negotiating a real-world relationship with another individual while everything around you is crumbling. The dichotomy of the situation is absolute and non-negotiable. You love, and yet you struggle. There are many different kinds of chemistry; what I know now that I didn't realize back then is that there are kinds that are meant to last and there are kinds that just can't. Has nothing to do with the intensity of your feelings for that person, or the genuineness of them. Has nothing to do with your hopes and dreams for that relationship, your willingness to change or make it successful, or a big giant man in the sky directing it all. It's just - chemistry. I've learned you need to be friends just as much, if not more, than being in love. It's all too important.
What I want to say is I'm sorry. As much as I'll always hate you (and I will) for some of the inconceivable and terrible things you did, as much as I'll always truly love you (and I will), I'm sorry. For not being ready for what I was thrown into (and also jumped into). For not making the correct decisions. After all, we are only human. For the muck and the terror that I dragged you through, the misery and the pain, the worry and the fear. You'll never know how permanently affected that I've been and always will be, from those few years. I wanted nothing but the best for us, I promise you that. I think it would be crazy to think otherwise. I wanted it to work, I wanted to make you happy, endlessly happy, the happiest you could have possibly been. Because you fucking deserved it. And you still do, and if you're not there now I know you'll be there one day. Just like I will.
August 2012... it's been years, entire years, entire lifetimes as far as I'm concerned. I've gained so many things since I knew you. Since you were my foundation. The last time I saw you, I didn't even want to. I hated the fact that you still existed and you were floundering, grubbing for anything you could, while you still could. I'm over it. I'm over the fact that you kept a 120 year old family heirloom just because you could. I'm over the fact that you fucked your co-worker while being married to me. I'm over the fact that you gave up on me in my biggest time of need. And even if you never read this I'll be satiated in the knowledge that at least I got this down somewhere. I forgive you. I hope you forgive me. I hope you're happy, I really do. I'm really happy right now, and successful, and I look back on our time spent together as a big learning experience. I'm sure you do too. And not all of it was bad - not by any means. A large portion of it was amazing memories. It's sad that the shitty memories come to the surface more, but it was close to 6 years spent together. From Ohio to New York, from Miami to Puerto Rico, we made memories. I hope that there's at least a fraction that you remember that you don't regret.
"To forgive is to set a prisoner free, and to discover that the prisoner was you." - Lewis B Smedes