tick tick
This came to me after watching 118 last night for the first time in a while. How Justin (as Randy played him) grew and changed over 5 seasons!
**********************************
Everyone thought that Brian had made the big sacrifice. That Brian, in not marrying Justin, in letting his Sunshine go to New York to find himself, to grow up, to become his own man, had suffered the broken heart.
Justin was the only one who knew differently. Not surprisingly- yet again-the only one who had Brian figured out. The only one who knew that it was Brian who needed the time-- to grow up, to grow into the best homosexual he could be- and that it was Justin who made the sacrifice and gave that time to him.
When Justin was 17 he was brash and breathtaking, spoiled and luminous, proud and loud, fearless, boldly hurling his beliefs and truths in everyone’s faces, whether they did-- or like Craig and Chris, did not-- want to hear them. He was a beautiful brat. He could be an obnoxious and smug but he fucking glowed.
When Justin was 18 he was still proud, but was not now so loud. His backbone was still strong; he was still tenacious; he still believed in love. He still thought that there was good in most people; that like him, they said what they meant and meant what they said- most of the time. He still believed that people could have happily ever - they simply had to try hard enough. Being spit into the real world by a trial by fire was, however (and how could it have been otherwise?) warping and it melded onto him a false sense of maturity and an arrogant set of blinders. He thought he had grown up while Brian remained a selfish snot but it was only Justin who broke the rules.
When Justin was 19 he came to think that love was just another word- one he was not entirely sure he believed existed anymore, at least not the heterosexual hearts and flowers kind and certainly not for queers like him. But then, helped by a big dose of humility, he concluded that maybe that’s what being a grown up was all about. Disappointment and compromise. Taking what was obtainable and not pining for what was not. Taking it like a man. No one really meant what they said or could be counted on to say what they meant- no one but Brian anyway- and having found at least one person he could kind of count on, he supposed, was good enough. And he was still proud and so he took another page from Brian’s book: actions speak louder than words any day.
When Justin was 20 he learned that even actions- like words-- could be twisted and become ultimately meaningless, and that maybe moderation might be a better method. But good enough was hard to live with. He also discovered that even Brian wasn’t made of bedrock and, in the midst of that, even he himself was expendable. Everything outside himself was uncertain. One by one all his struts had been fractured. And so, with a heart truly bruised but with his soul stronger, Justin really did grow up and started looking only to himself to discover what was true. Because he still believed there were absolutes. He refused to believe that only heterosexuals had access to them.
By the time Justin was 21, he had learned that people everywhere exhibited the same wicked ways whether the settings were the steps of a Pittsburg police precinct or the soft surrounds of the Hollywood Hills. But his journeys also revealed for him what his soul required for nourishment and happiness and so he came back. Justin did not require heterosexual trappings of love- but being simply anti-heterosexual was no answer either. That was only nihilism. Justin deserved love and he knew in his soul he would have it. He could be busy and productive and content, in his way, anywhere. He knew what made him happy. He knew who made him happy, too.
But Brian had only recently let himself believe in the very idea of love. He had no concept of how to live with it, how to let it envelop and nurture him. He would’ve married Justin if Justin had insisted. Unlike Jack, he might have kept his vows and not fucked around, but, like Jack, sooner or later, he’d have felt caught, shackled if they had married now. The timing was not right. Justin was the only one who saw that, saw Brian’s fear that he would fail because he had no guidelines. He truly did not know what this life should look like. He was still raw with the feeling and was scrambling for a framework. Justin knew Brian was still freaked; was flailing- and most importantly, how that lack of surety undermined his sense of self. Brian needed to be in control and control was all about knowledge. If Justin did not allow Brian to find his way in his own time, it would ultimately undermine them. Brian knew that Justin saw his doubts, understood the nature of them, “got” him, and was grateful that he hadn’t had to give voice or rein to it.
Brian really did not know whether he could do this; Justin did. Justin always knew before Brian. So Justin went to New York, to let Brian suffer the distance. To work and allow Brian time to miss him and conceive an idea of what living a life in love would look like. In the meantime, he could wait. He’d become good at waiting for Brian to catch up. It was, after all, only time. He had plenty of it. It was Brian who did not. Brian would figure that out.
**********************************
Everyone thought that Brian had made the big sacrifice. That Brian, in not marrying Justin, in letting his Sunshine go to New York to find himself, to grow up, to become his own man, had suffered the broken heart.
Justin was the only one who knew differently. Not surprisingly- yet again-the only one who had Brian figured out. The only one who knew that it was Brian who needed the time-- to grow up, to grow into the best homosexual he could be- and that it was Justin who made the sacrifice and gave that time to him.
When Justin was 17 he was brash and breathtaking, spoiled and luminous, proud and loud, fearless, boldly hurling his beliefs and truths in everyone’s faces, whether they did-- or like Craig and Chris, did not-- want to hear them. He was a beautiful brat. He could be an obnoxious and smug but he fucking glowed.
When Justin was 18 he was still proud, but was not now so loud. His backbone was still strong; he was still tenacious; he still believed in love. He still thought that there was good in most people; that like him, they said what they meant and meant what they said- most of the time. He still believed that people could have happily ever - they simply had to try hard enough. Being spit into the real world by a trial by fire was, however (and how could it have been otherwise?) warping and it melded onto him a false sense of maturity and an arrogant set of blinders. He thought he had grown up while Brian remained a selfish snot but it was only Justin who broke the rules.
When Justin was 19 he came to think that love was just another word- one he was not entirely sure he believed existed anymore, at least not the heterosexual hearts and flowers kind and certainly not for queers like him. But then, helped by a big dose of humility, he concluded that maybe that’s what being a grown up was all about. Disappointment and compromise. Taking what was obtainable and not pining for what was not. Taking it like a man. No one really meant what they said or could be counted on to say what they meant- no one but Brian anyway- and having found at least one person he could kind of count on, he supposed, was good enough. And he was still proud and so he took another page from Brian’s book: actions speak louder than words any day.
When Justin was 20 he learned that even actions- like words-- could be twisted and become ultimately meaningless, and that maybe moderation might be a better method. But good enough was hard to live with. He also discovered that even Brian wasn’t made of bedrock and, in the midst of that, even he himself was expendable. Everything outside himself was uncertain. One by one all his struts had been fractured. And so, with a heart truly bruised but with his soul stronger, Justin really did grow up and started looking only to himself to discover what was true. Because he still believed there were absolutes. He refused to believe that only heterosexuals had access to them.
By the time Justin was 21, he had learned that people everywhere exhibited the same wicked ways whether the settings were the steps of a Pittsburg police precinct or the soft surrounds of the Hollywood Hills. But his journeys also revealed for him what his soul required for nourishment and happiness and so he came back. Justin did not require heterosexual trappings of love- but being simply anti-heterosexual was no answer either. That was only nihilism. Justin deserved love and he knew in his soul he would have it. He could be busy and productive and content, in his way, anywhere. He knew what made him happy. He knew who made him happy, too.
But Brian had only recently let himself believe in the very idea of love. He had no concept of how to live with it, how to let it envelop and nurture him. He would’ve married Justin if Justin had insisted. Unlike Jack, he might have kept his vows and not fucked around, but, like Jack, sooner or later, he’d have felt caught, shackled if they had married now. The timing was not right. Justin was the only one who saw that, saw Brian’s fear that he would fail because he had no guidelines. He truly did not know what this life should look like. He was still raw with the feeling and was scrambling for a framework. Justin knew Brian was still freaked; was flailing- and most importantly, how that lack of surety undermined his sense of self. Brian needed to be in control and control was all about knowledge. If Justin did not allow Brian to find his way in his own time, it would ultimately undermine them. Brian knew that Justin saw his doubts, understood the nature of them, “got” him, and was grateful that he hadn’t had to give voice or rein to it.
Brian really did not know whether he could do this; Justin did. Justin always knew before Brian. So Justin went to New York, to let Brian suffer the distance. To work and allow Brian time to miss him and conceive an idea of what living a life in love would look like. In the meantime, he could wait. He’d become good at waiting for Brian to catch up. It was, after all, only time. He had plenty of it. It was Brian who did not. Brian would figure that out.