sometimes optimism sucks
Well this didn't work out as planned. And as usual I'm the one getting hurt. I went to the purple door music festival with Cody K yesterday. We had a friggin amazing time. The entire day we were getting closer and closer...and we were flirting more and more. Towards the end of the night he had his arm around me and he would tickle me and while we were watching bands he'd have me by the waist etc. I was in heaven. I thought it was perfect. I thought it could really happen, silly as it was cause we've only met a few times but we have this great attraction to eachother.
The concert finally ended, amazing day really. And we went to chill in his car while the parking lot cleared and just talked and talked about stuff when finally the parking lot was empty and we were the only ones left. He walked me over to my car and we hugged and kept talking and hugging and it kept looking like we were gonna kiss, when finally he said "you like me." and I nodded my head that I did. And he sighed. And he explained that while he liked me too, there was another girl he also liked and though nothing was going on yet, frankly, she goes to his school, they'll have a relationship that can nurture and grow easily because they'll see eachother etc. And then we spent until like 2 in the morning talking abotu that stort ofstuff and him apologising constantly and I just couldn't tell him how crushed I was, cause it's silly. It's really silly to be this upset about it. It was such a long shot, but I thought it could happen.
I think a lot of this has to do with the convienience of the other girl, and also that he just got out of a relationship, a long realtionship where he had been cheated on. He doesn't know me enough to know that I would never, ever, EVER be unfaitful to someone I'm with.
And it was so hard to just stand there while he said he was sorry and tell him that it's okay, I had to keep telling him to not beat himself up over it and I think I kinda had to convince him that he was making the better choice for himself, even though I wished he wasn't. But, in his decision, I'd do the same thing. I can't blame him for anything. I do wish he hadn't kept hugging me and telling me I'm cute and beautiful and kissing me on the forehead. That made it so much harder and I was getting so close to crying, but I knew I couldn't do that. He gives such great hugs, and he smells so good. I just really thought this could work, it seemed so perfect. He's really cute and really good looking, hysterical, and a good Christian guy. I guess I just got to excited and thought it was going to work and be perfect. I thought for once, I had a good guy like me.
He says he still wants to be friends etc. And that he'll visit Shane (and me) at ktown, but I doubt that'll happen. He's going to be all caught up with his girl, and he probably won't have the time.
I just wish he'd understand my story. He told me a lot of his story, and I've delt with the same sorto f stuff in relaitnoships. I could help him heal, he could help me heal. It would be a mutually healing relationship. I'm not going to cheat on him, I wouldn't be psycho. But he doesn't know that, he barely knows me. I can't be mad at him for his decision. He made the easier, and possibily better choice for himself. What's meant to be will always find a way, and if it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be. It just sucks because I could tell he would have actually cared about me in stead of just using my body (Dave) or destroying my self esteem and making me feel bad for having friends (Mike).
I try to be such agood person. That's why I kept telling him to go, and that he was making the right decision. I know it's terrible to think this, but I wish I was a selfish person, then maybe I would have told him how much it hurt to watch him go. How much I didn't want to stop hugging him. I would have told him how much I wanted to kiss him and told him we could make it work. But that's not who I am. and I know that's not the right thing to do. I guess I just really wish he hadn't started flirting with me. But at least I had a day to believe it...and it felt wonderful. I wish that day had never ended. Oi, he was even singing songs to me. It was so wonderful. I was so happy, so truely happy.
Life just kinda sucks right now. Silly and a terrible thing to say: but I kinda wish I had just fallen asleep at the wheel last night while I was driving home (I was 45 min shy of being up 24 hours cause i woke up at 6:30 ysterday morning and didn't get home till about 5:15) I don't know how I lived through that car ride. I was having trouble focusing my eyes and hallucinating things on the road. It was really bad. But I guess it's good that I had a little guardian angel on my shoulder, cause I am fond of living, overall. I just wish someone cared about me.
The concert finally ended, amazing day really. And we went to chill in his car while the parking lot cleared and just talked and talked about stuff when finally the parking lot was empty and we were the only ones left. He walked me over to my car and we hugged and kept talking and hugging and it kept looking like we were gonna kiss, when finally he said "you like me." and I nodded my head that I did. And he sighed. And he explained that while he liked me too, there was another girl he also liked and though nothing was going on yet, frankly, she goes to his school, they'll have a relationship that can nurture and grow easily because they'll see eachother etc. And then we spent until like 2 in the morning talking abotu that stort ofstuff and him apologising constantly and I just couldn't tell him how crushed I was, cause it's silly. It's really silly to be this upset about it. It was such a long shot, but I thought it could happen.
I think a lot of this has to do with the convienience of the other girl, and also that he just got out of a relationship, a long realtionship where he had been cheated on. He doesn't know me enough to know that I would never, ever, EVER be unfaitful to someone I'm with.
And it was so hard to just stand there while he said he was sorry and tell him that it's okay, I had to keep telling him to not beat himself up over it and I think I kinda had to convince him that he was making the better choice for himself, even though I wished he wasn't. But, in his decision, I'd do the same thing. I can't blame him for anything. I do wish he hadn't kept hugging me and telling me I'm cute and beautiful and kissing me on the forehead. That made it so much harder and I was getting so close to crying, but I knew I couldn't do that. He gives such great hugs, and he smells so good. I just really thought this could work, it seemed so perfect. He's really cute and really good looking, hysterical, and a good Christian guy. I guess I just got to excited and thought it was going to work and be perfect. I thought for once, I had a good guy like me.
He says he still wants to be friends etc. And that he'll visit Shane (and me) at ktown, but I doubt that'll happen. He's going to be all caught up with his girl, and he probably won't have the time.
I just wish he'd understand my story. He told me a lot of his story, and I've delt with the same sorto f stuff in relaitnoships. I could help him heal, he could help me heal. It would be a mutually healing relationship. I'm not going to cheat on him, I wouldn't be psycho. But he doesn't know that, he barely knows me. I can't be mad at him for his decision. He made the easier, and possibily better choice for himself. What's meant to be will always find a way, and if it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be. It just sucks because I could tell he would have actually cared about me in stead of just using my body (Dave) or destroying my self esteem and making me feel bad for having friends (Mike).
I try to be such agood person. That's why I kept telling him to go, and that he was making the right decision. I know it's terrible to think this, but I wish I was a selfish person, then maybe I would have told him how much it hurt to watch him go. How much I didn't want to stop hugging him. I would have told him how much I wanted to kiss him and told him we could make it work. But that's not who I am. and I know that's not the right thing to do. I guess I just really wish he hadn't started flirting with me. But at least I had a day to believe it...and it felt wonderful. I wish that day had never ended. Oi, he was even singing songs to me. It was so wonderful. I was so happy, so truely happy.
Life just kinda sucks right now. Silly and a terrible thing to say: but I kinda wish I had just fallen asleep at the wheel last night while I was driving home (I was 45 min shy of being up 24 hours cause i woke up at 6:30 ysterday morning and didn't get home till about 5:15) I don't know how I lived through that car ride. I was having trouble focusing my eyes and hallucinating things on the road. It was really bad. But I guess it's good that I had a little guardian angel on my shoulder, cause I am fond of living, overall. I just wish someone cared about me.