[Homestuck] 10 GOOD REASONS WHY YOU SHOULD LEAVE YOUR KISMESIS’ QUADRANTS THE FUCK ALONE
Title: 10 GOOD REASONS WHY YOU SHOULD LEAVE YOUR KISMESIS’ QUADRANTS THE FUCK ALONE: A REBUTTAL
Rating: PG
Summary: DID YOU READ THAT TROLL COSMO ARTICLE? IT'S A CRIME AGAINST QUADRANTS ON SO MANY LEVELS, I'M SURPRISED THE DESPAIREPORTER'S PEN DIDN'T TURN IN THEIR HAND TO CULL THEM ON THE SPOT.
Notes: You don’t need to know anything about Homestuck to read and enjoy this, beyond the fact that troll society is extremely violent, and trolls have four romantic types of relationships as opposed to our one. Matespritship is like our romantic love, but said to be based on pity, moiraillegiance is the bond between platonic soulmates who keep one another from going crazy, auspiticing is the relationship between a mediator and two trolls who really, really don’t like one another, and kismessitude is rivalry (hate) with sex. These relationships are called “quadrants”, and ideally a troll is supposed to have all of their quadrants filled. They at least need their matespritship and kismessitude quadrants (the reproductive quadrants) filled as adults, otherwise they get killed.
10 GOOD REASONS WHY YOU SHOULD LEAVE YOUR KISMESIS’ QUADRANTS THE FUCK ALONE
A REBUTTAL
1. THE QUASI-UTOPIA THAT IS OUR SOCIAL SYSTEM MAKES IT THAT WE’RE ALL SOMEONE’S KISMESIS. REPRODUCTIVE QUADRANTS ARE THE PILLARS OF THE GLORIOUS ALTERNIAN EMPIRE. DO THE WORDS IMPERIAL DRONES RING A BELL TO ANY OF YOU MORONS? YOU GO AFTER THEIRS, THEY’LL GO AFTER YOURS.
2. QUADRANTS ARE YOUR KISMESIS’ NUMBER ONE SOURCE OF STABILITY, THAT DIDN’T STOP BEING A THING THAT WAS TRUE JUST BECAUSE YOU SOPORHEADS ARE TOO SMASHED TO REMEMBER WHAT QUADRANTS ARE FOR. GUESS WHO’S IN THE DIRECT LINE OF FIRE WHEN THAT STABILITY GOES BOOM.
3. I AM GOING TO BE AN ENORMOUSLY CHARITABLE ICON OF FUCKING PATIENCE AND ASSUME THAT YOU’RE TOO HILARIOUSLY SELF-ABSORBED TO REALIZE PULLING THIS KIND OF HOOFBEASTSHIT IMPLIES THAT YOU WANT YOUR KISMESIS ALL TO YOURSELF. CONGRATS ON EARNING THE CREEP-OF-THE-SWEEP TROPHY. IF THAT’S ACTUALLY WHAT YOU WANT, DO THE REST OF US A FAVOUR AND GO TALK TO YOUR MOIRAIL. YOUR MOIRAIL, I’LL REPEAT FOR THE QUADRANT-IMPAIRED IN THE AUDIENCE, WHICH IS ALL OF YOU READING TROLL COSMO AND NOT WAILING IN HORROR FOR YOUR SOUL, IS THE ONE WHO IS OKAY WITH PUTTING THEIR CLAWS IN THE NAUSEATING KNOTS OF YOUR WRITHING ISSUES AND ARRANGING YOU INTO SOMETHING FIT FOR SOCIAL LIFE, SO THAT OTHER TROLLS WON’T GO INTO FUCKING SHOCK UPON WITNESSING THE ABERRATION THAT IS YOUR EXISTENCE. DON’T TAKE YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM OUT ON YOUR FUCKING KISMESIS.
4. ALSO IT IMPLIES THAT YOU ONLY VALUE YOUR KISMESIS BECAUSE OF THEIR CONNECTIONS. THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS WRONG WITH THAT, IF I LISTED THEM ALL WE’LL STILL BE THERE WHEN THE IMPERIAL DRONE COMES KNOCKING, WHICH IN YOUR CASE MIGHT BE DOING THE TROLL RACE A FAVOR, AS ANYONE WHO EVEN ENTERTAINS SUCH A FUCKING WRONG NOTION CLEARLY DOESN’T DESERVE BEING EVISCERATED BY AN OVER-ENTHUSIASTIC KISMESIS IN AN INTENSE SHOWNDOWN UNDER THE GLOW OF THE TWIN MOONS. I’LL STILL TRY, AS IT’S CLEAR NO-ONE EVER BOTHERED KNOCKING YOU OVER THE HEAD WITH THE HAMMER OF OUR SOCIAL STRUCTURE: KISMESSITUDE IS BASED ON RESPECT. RESPECT FOR THEIR ABILITIES, THEIR ACHIEVEMENTS, HOW TWISTED THEIR SCHEMES ARE OR HOW CHARISMATIC THEIR ARE. MAYBE, IT’S POSSIBLE THAT IF YOU ARE AN ESPECIALLY HATEABLE MOTHERFUCKER, YOUR KISMESIS MIGHT TAKE IT FOR A CHALLENGE, AND PROVE TO YOU THAT THEY’RE WORTH EVERY DROP OF BLOOD YOU SPILLED TO IMPRESS THEM. YOU’RE NOT TROLL DARCY, SO SCRUB THAT FANTASY RIGHT OFF YOUR THINKPAN.
5. KIDNAPPING SOMEONE WITHOUT CLEARING IT WITH THEM BEFORE IS THE FASTEST ROAD TO TROLL HEAVEN. I REALIZE THAT ANYONE LOOKING TO TROLL COSMO FOR ROMANTIC ADVICE PROBABLY HASN’T HAD THEIR PALE QUADRANT FILLED EVER, BUT: MOIRAILS ARE NOT GODDAMN DESIGNATED VICTIMS. PALE PITY DOESN’T SUDDENLY MAKE YOU WEAK, IT DOESN’T MAGICALLY TURN YOUR BLOOD INTO COLORLESS THIN LIQUID, AND IF YOU BELIEVE FOR A BLINK THAT THEY’LL DECIDE AGAINST KILLING YOU DEAD JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE THEIR MOIRAIL’S STUPID KISMESIS, PLEASE REPORT YOURSELF TO THE NEAREST IMPERIAL OUTPOST, AND SAVE YOURSELF THE TROUBLE OF WORRYING ABOUT THE FUTURE.
6. BY GOING AFTER THE LOWEST POSSIBLE COMMON DENOMINATOR BETWEEN ANY TWO TROLLS, YOU ARE DISPLAYING A LACK OF IMAGINATION SO PROFOUND AS TO VERGE ON THE ABYSMAL. I HAVE NOTHING BUT THE MOST PLATONIC CONTEMPT FOR HOW PATHETIC A SPECIMEN OF OUR RACE YOU ARE.
7. YOU STIR SHIT CROSS-QUADRANT, YOU SEND A GRUBGILDED INVITATION TO EVERYONE EVEN SLIGHTLY RELATED TO EITHER OF YOU TO FALL ON YOUR ROMANTICALLY-CHALLENGED BONE BULGE LIKE A THRESHECUTIONER SQUADRON UPON A REBEL HIVE, AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, WE’VE GOT A FUCKING VENDETTA ON OUR HANDS. THOSE ARE SOLVED BY LEGISLACERATOR-ORDAINED MASS CULLINGS. GOOD JOB ON GETTING EVERYONE YOU EVER KNEW KILLED, NOOKSTAIN, AND THANKS FOR PLAYING.
8. IT MAKES PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT QUADRANTS AS MORE THAN GODDAMN STATUS SYMBOLS FOR SOCIOPATHIC ASSWIPES OR QUICK WAYS TO GET THEIR BULGES POLISHED LEGITIMATELY UPSET.
9. JUST. WHY.
10. TL-DR VERSION FOR ALL OF YOU MISERABLE BULGEMUNCHERS WHOSE QUADRANT-SMEARING BUBONIC HIDES I WOULDN’T EVEN USE TO DRY OFF SOPOR SLIME: IF YOU GO AFTER YOUR KISMESIS’ QUADRANTS, YOU’RE A DOUCHEBAG.
This entry was originally posted at http://runespoor.dreamwidth.org/126090.html. There are
comments there.
Rating: PG
Summary: DID YOU READ THAT TROLL COSMO ARTICLE? IT'S A CRIME AGAINST QUADRANTS ON SO MANY LEVELS, I'M SURPRISED THE DESPAIREPORTER'S PEN DIDN'T TURN IN THEIR HAND TO CULL THEM ON THE SPOT.
Notes: You don’t need to know anything about Homestuck to read and enjoy this, beyond the fact that troll society is extremely violent, and trolls have four romantic types of relationships as opposed to our one. Matespritship is like our romantic love, but said to be based on pity, moiraillegiance is the bond between platonic soulmates who keep one another from going crazy, auspiticing is the relationship between a mediator and two trolls who really, really don’t like one another, and kismessitude is rivalry (hate) with sex. These relationships are called “quadrants”, and ideally a troll is supposed to have all of their quadrants filled. They at least need their matespritship and kismessitude quadrants (the reproductive quadrants) filled as adults, otherwise they get killed.
10 GOOD REASONS WHY YOU SHOULD LEAVE YOUR KISMESIS’ QUADRANTS THE FUCK ALONE
A REBUTTAL
1. THE QUASI-UTOPIA THAT IS OUR SOCIAL SYSTEM MAKES IT THAT WE’RE ALL SOMEONE’S KISMESIS. REPRODUCTIVE QUADRANTS ARE THE PILLARS OF THE GLORIOUS ALTERNIAN EMPIRE. DO THE WORDS IMPERIAL DRONES RING A BELL TO ANY OF YOU MORONS? YOU GO AFTER THEIRS, THEY’LL GO AFTER YOURS.
2. QUADRANTS ARE YOUR KISMESIS’ NUMBER ONE SOURCE OF STABILITY, THAT DIDN’T STOP BEING A THING THAT WAS TRUE JUST BECAUSE YOU SOPORHEADS ARE TOO SMASHED TO REMEMBER WHAT QUADRANTS ARE FOR. GUESS WHO’S IN THE DIRECT LINE OF FIRE WHEN THAT STABILITY GOES BOOM.
3. I AM GOING TO BE AN ENORMOUSLY CHARITABLE ICON OF FUCKING PATIENCE AND ASSUME THAT YOU’RE TOO HILARIOUSLY SELF-ABSORBED TO REALIZE PULLING THIS KIND OF HOOFBEASTSHIT IMPLIES THAT YOU WANT YOUR KISMESIS ALL TO YOURSELF. CONGRATS ON EARNING THE CREEP-OF-THE-SWEEP TROPHY. IF THAT’S ACTUALLY WHAT YOU WANT, DO THE REST OF US A FAVOUR AND GO TALK TO YOUR MOIRAIL. YOUR MOIRAIL, I’LL REPEAT FOR THE QUADRANT-IMPAIRED IN THE AUDIENCE, WHICH IS ALL OF YOU READING TROLL COSMO AND NOT WAILING IN HORROR FOR YOUR SOUL, IS THE ONE WHO IS OKAY WITH PUTTING THEIR CLAWS IN THE NAUSEATING KNOTS OF YOUR WRITHING ISSUES AND ARRANGING YOU INTO SOMETHING FIT FOR SOCIAL LIFE, SO THAT OTHER TROLLS WON’T GO INTO FUCKING SHOCK UPON WITNESSING THE ABERRATION THAT IS YOUR EXISTENCE. DON’T TAKE YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM OUT ON YOUR FUCKING KISMESIS.
4. ALSO IT IMPLIES THAT YOU ONLY VALUE YOUR KISMESIS BECAUSE OF THEIR CONNECTIONS. THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS WRONG WITH THAT, IF I LISTED THEM ALL WE’LL STILL BE THERE WHEN THE IMPERIAL DRONE COMES KNOCKING, WHICH IN YOUR CASE MIGHT BE DOING THE TROLL RACE A FAVOR, AS ANYONE WHO EVEN ENTERTAINS SUCH A FUCKING WRONG NOTION CLEARLY DOESN’T DESERVE BEING EVISCERATED BY AN OVER-ENTHUSIASTIC KISMESIS IN AN INTENSE SHOWNDOWN UNDER THE GLOW OF THE TWIN MOONS. I’LL STILL TRY, AS IT’S CLEAR NO-ONE EVER BOTHERED KNOCKING YOU OVER THE HEAD WITH THE HAMMER OF OUR SOCIAL STRUCTURE: KISMESSITUDE IS BASED ON RESPECT. RESPECT FOR THEIR ABILITIES, THEIR ACHIEVEMENTS, HOW TWISTED THEIR SCHEMES ARE OR HOW CHARISMATIC THEIR ARE. MAYBE, IT’S POSSIBLE THAT IF YOU ARE AN ESPECIALLY HATEABLE MOTHERFUCKER, YOUR KISMESIS MIGHT TAKE IT FOR A CHALLENGE, AND PROVE TO YOU THAT THEY’RE WORTH EVERY DROP OF BLOOD YOU SPILLED TO IMPRESS THEM. YOU’RE NOT TROLL DARCY, SO SCRUB THAT FANTASY RIGHT OFF YOUR THINKPAN.
5. KIDNAPPING SOMEONE WITHOUT CLEARING IT WITH THEM BEFORE IS THE FASTEST ROAD TO TROLL HEAVEN. I REALIZE THAT ANYONE LOOKING TO TROLL COSMO FOR ROMANTIC ADVICE PROBABLY HASN’T HAD THEIR PALE QUADRANT FILLED EVER, BUT: MOIRAILS ARE NOT GODDAMN DESIGNATED VICTIMS. PALE PITY DOESN’T SUDDENLY MAKE YOU WEAK, IT DOESN’T MAGICALLY TURN YOUR BLOOD INTO COLORLESS THIN LIQUID, AND IF YOU BELIEVE FOR A BLINK THAT THEY’LL DECIDE AGAINST KILLING YOU DEAD JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE THEIR MOIRAIL’S STUPID KISMESIS, PLEASE REPORT YOURSELF TO THE NEAREST IMPERIAL OUTPOST, AND SAVE YOURSELF THE TROUBLE OF WORRYING ABOUT THE FUTURE.
6. BY GOING AFTER THE LOWEST POSSIBLE COMMON DENOMINATOR BETWEEN ANY TWO TROLLS, YOU ARE DISPLAYING A LACK OF IMAGINATION SO PROFOUND AS TO VERGE ON THE ABYSMAL. I HAVE NOTHING BUT THE MOST PLATONIC CONTEMPT FOR HOW PATHETIC A SPECIMEN OF OUR RACE YOU ARE.
7. YOU STIR SHIT CROSS-QUADRANT, YOU SEND A GRUBGILDED INVITATION TO EVERYONE EVEN SLIGHTLY RELATED TO EITHER OF YOU TO FALL ON YOUR ROMANTICALLY-CHALLENGED BONE BULGE LIKE A THRESHECUTIONER SQUADRON UPON A REBEL HIVE, AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, WE’VE GOT A FUCKING VENDETTA ON OUR HANDS. THOSE ARE SOLVED BY LEGISLACERATOR-ORDAINED MASS CULLINGS. GOOD JOB ON GETTING EVERYONE YOU EVER KNEW KILLED, NOOKSTAIN, AND THANKS FOR PLAYING.
8. IT MAKES PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT QUADRANTS AS MORE THAN GODDAMN STATUS SYMBOLS FOR SOCIOPATHIC ASSWIPES OR QUICK WAYS TO GET THEIR BULGES POLISHED LEGITIMATELY UPSET.
9. JUST. WHY.
10. TL-DR VERSION FOR ALL OF YOU MISERABLE BULGEMUNCHERS WHOSE QUADRANT-SMEARING BUBONIC HIDES I WOULDN’T EVEN USE TO DRY OFF SOPOR SLIME: IF YOU GO AFTER YOUR KISMESIS’ QUADRANTS, YOU’RE A DOUCHEBAG.
This entry was originally posted at http://runespoor.dreamwidth.org/126090.html. There are
comments there.