How To Be Cool
As a highly influential person who great numbers of people idolize and attempt to emulate, I thought I would chime in with some advice for all of you out there in internet land. I'm pretty sure that most of you could benefit from some tips on how to be cool - and I mean that in the best way - so I'm going to write down a concise list of stuff that will help you WOW all your friends and make members of the opposite sex want to slobber all over your genitalia..
This will include everything from what music you should listen to, to social habits, fashion, and beyond. Remember: insane is wacky and wacky is different and different is COOL!
First we must establish the definition of "cool." In my eyes, coolness is at its basest level a character trait made up of equal parts rebellion, danger, scariness, and the complete disregard for everyone and everything. But how does one achieve this? Find out here!
Develop/Embrace Personality Disorders
The best way to assert your individuality and non-conformity is to be completely out of your fucking mind. This can easily achieved if you already suffer from a mental illness. All you need to do is take advantage of the fact that you are disturbed. Don't take your medication, just go with the flow. Your overt freakiness will surely be a big hit among your peers. Here are some examples of disorders that can help boost your cool points:
Bad Ass Disorders: Compulsive lying, Kleptomania, Pyromania, Scizophrenia, Multiple Personality Disorder, Bipolar disorder, Turrets Syndrome.
Weak Ass Disorders: Halistosis, Hydrophobia, ADHD, Parkinson's disease, Kleinfleter's Syndrome, Seasonal Affective Disorder, Down Syndrome.
In lieu of actual mental illness, I will introduce a golden rule of coolness. If you don't got it - fake it. Simply tell people that you ail from some kind of deep psychological disturbance. It will both win sympathy points from the ladies, and improve your image. Nothing is cooler than a troubled soul. Just look at Michael Jackson - he's the fucking King of Pop!
Listen to Obnoxious/Unpopular Music
This is one of my personal favorites. Contrary to popular belief, listening to the stuff they play on MTV is not cool. Yeah, I know this sounds far out, but trust me here. I know what I'm talking about. Go against the grain. You need to either discover weird bands that nobody has ever heard of, or start jamming music that nobody in their right mind would ever listen to.
Additionally, shun music trends until they become unpopular - then adopt them. For example, 50 cent is cool now, but in a few years he won't be. At this point you need to start getting down with the G-g-g-g-g-g UNIT.
Failing this, you have two Choices. A simple - but sometimes unreliable - solution is simply to make bands up. "88 Lumber", "The Black Bukkake Beach Boys", and "Deep Pink" are some examples off the top of my head. What you should do is take it to the next level. Record your own tapes pretending to be this group. All you need is a recording device and a creative mind.
I once recorded 45 minutes of some old guy at the local retirement home breathing through an iron lung, and convinced this girl at my school that it was this mad underground band called "Wing of The Dark Benefactor." After that she was mine - for a glorious 5 minutes in an elevator till some Mexican cleaning guy busted in and ruined the whole thing.
Regardless, you need to find some awful music to get into, give it your all, and defend it to the death. Appropriate Genres include: black metal, christian metal, noise, gothic metal, "experimental", IDM, country.
Bands: Insane Clown Posse, Venetian Snares, Symphony X, Kris Kross, Alec Empire, Merzbow, Bauhaus, Godspeed You Black Emperor, Bug Powder, Satyricon, Cephalic Carnage, The Mortal Kombat Soundtrack, Toby Keith.
Drink/Take Drugs Excessively
I cannot stress the importance of this one. Alcoholism an essential part of being cool. However, you have to do it right. While going the lonely drunk poet route has its perks, it is far better to become a drunk of the "go to clubs and get so drunk that you lose control of at least two bodily functions" variety.
Simply put: anywhere you go, the drunkest person is always the coolest person.
It is imperative that you also become an aggressive and out of control asshole when you go out drinking, Which should be at least twice a week. You should strive to come into as many physical and verbal alterations as you can, per night. Be creative. Also, seek to alienate yourself from your friends. The worse you get, the cooler they will think you are.
Womanizing is also an essential part of being cool. If you fail to score a girl, then just try harder. It's all about the confidence. Don't give up. Often going for the most direct approach is the most successful; e.g. wanton groping and vulgar come ons.
Drug abuse is also key. Everything from Robotussin to Heroin is game. Have fun and remember the golden rule.
Have Poor Personal Hygene
This is easier than you might think. That's right people, throw out your deoderant stick, shampoo, and toothbrush cause NOTHING screams "I DON'T GIVE A FUCK" like body odor, greasy skin, blood shot eyes, and bad teeth.
As much as they don't want to admit it, chicks LOVE guys who look like they just stumbled off the set of the latest George Romero zombie flick. Just look at Vincent Gallo - the dude looks unbelievably haggard, and still managed to get that tawdry trollop Chloe Sevigny to fellate him. On camera I might add.
Why did she do this? Cause Gallo is fucking cool. Are we learning yet?
Become An "Artist"
That's right folks, artists are some of the coolest people on the earth. And yeah, I know what you're thinking, "But Gargamel, I'm a talentless sap who wouldn't know art if it skullfucked my mom in front of me as a kid" THIS DOESN'T MATTER.
All you need to do is loosely follow my tips, and you're halfway there. Then all you need to do is start telling people that you're an artist! It's that simple. If someone asks you to see your work, just tell them that you can't let anyone see it until you're done - it would ruin your vision.
If all else fails, remember the golden rule. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. Go rob the nearest hobo of his prized possesions, throw them in a Radio Flyer, and VIOLA! you've got a Found Art exhibit. Or maybe performance art is your thing... just grab some Transformers or G.I. Joes and tear the arms off and dip them in red paint and then run around town screaming JIHAD.
If that isn't art then art is fucking dead. The more out there and meaningless your art is the better.
---
In conclusion, when it comes to coolness in 2006 - Awful is the new Awesome. Be negative, belligerent, disturbingly weird, and impossible. Reach for the gutter and you can only soar to the stars
This will include everything from what music you should listen to, to social habits, fashion, and beyond. Remember: insane is wacky and wacky is different and different is COOL!
First we must establish the definition of "cool." In my eyes, coolness is at its basest level a character trait made up of equal parts rebellion, danger, scariness, and the complete disregard for everyone and everything. But how does one achieve this? Find out here!
Develop/Embrace Personality Disorders
The best way to assert your individuality and non-conformity is to be completely out of your fucking mind. This can easily achieved if you already suffer from a mental illness. All you need to do is take advantage of the fact that you are disturbed. Don't take your medication, just go with the flow. Your overt freakiness will surely be a big hit among your peers. Here are some examples of disorders that can help boost your cool points:
Bad Ass Disorders: Compulsive lying, Kleptomania, Pyromania, Scizophrenia, Multiple Personality Disorder, Bipolar disorder, Turrets Syndrome.
Weak Ass Disorders: Halistosis, Hydrophobia, ADHD, Parkinson's disease, Kleinfleter's Syndrome, Seasonal Affective Disorder, Down Syndrome.
In lieu of actual mental illness, I will introduce a golden rule of coolness. If you don't got it - fake it. Simply tell people that you ail from some kind of deep psychological disturbance. It will both win sympathy points from the ladies, and improve your image. Nothing is cooler than a troubled soul. Just look at Michael Jackson - he's the fucking King of Pop!
Listen to Obnoxious/Unpopular Music
This is one of my personal favorites. Contrary to popular belief, listening to the stuff they play on MTV is not cool. Yeah, I know this sounds far out, but trust me here. I know what I'm talking about. Go against the grain. You need to either discover weird bands that nobody has ever heard of, or start jamming music that nobody in their right mind would ever listen to.
Additionally, shun music trends until they become unpopular - then adopt them. For example, 50 cent is cool now, but in a few years he won't be. At this point you need to start getting down with the G-g-g-g-g-g UNIT.
Failing this, you have two Choices. A simple - but sometimes unreliable - solution is simply to make bands up. "88 Lumber", "The Black Bukkake Beach Boys", and "Deep Pink" are some examples off the top of my head. What you should do is take it to the next level. Record your own tapes pretending to be this group. All you need is a recording device and a creative mind.
I once recorded 45 minutes of some old guy at the local retirement home breathing through an iron lung, and convinced this girl at my school that it was this mad underground band called "Wing of The Dark Benefactor." After that she was mine - for a glorious 5 minutes in an elevator till some Mexican cleaning guy busted in and ruined the whole thing.
Regardless, you need to find some awful music to get into, give it your all, and defend it to the death. Appropriate Genres include: black metal, christian metal, noise, gothic metal, "experimental", IDM, country.
Bands: Insane Clown Posse, Venetian Snares, Symphony X, Kris Kross, Alec Empire, Merzbow, Bauhaus, Godspeed You Black Emperor, Bug Powder, Satyricon, Cephalic Carnage, The Mortal Kombat Soundtrack, Toby Keith.
Drink/Take Drugs Excessively
I cannot stress the importance of this one. Alcoholism an essential part of being cool. However, you have to do it right. While going the lonely drunk poet route has its perks, it is far better to become a drunk of the "go to clubs and get so drunk that you lose control of at least two bodily functions" variety.
Simply put: anywhere you go, the drunkest person is always the coolest person.
It is imperative that you also become an aggressive and out of control asshole when you go out drinking, Which should be at least twice a week. You should strive to come into as many physical and verbal alterations as you can, per night. Be creative. Also, seek to alienate yourself from your friends. The worse you get, the cooler they will think you are.
Womanizing is also an essential part of being cool. If you fail to score a girl, then just try harder. It's all about the confidence. Don't give up. Often going for the most direct approach is the most successful; e.g. wanton groping and vulgar come ons.
Drug abuse is also key. Everything from Robotussin to Heroin is game. Have fun and remember the golden rule.
Have Poor Personal Hygene
This is easier than you might think. That's right people, throw out your deoderant stick, shampoo, and toothbrush cause NOTHING screams "I DON'T GIVE A FUCK" like body odor, greasy skin, blood shot eyes, and bad teeth.
As much as they don't want to admit it, chicks LOVE guys who look like they just stumbled off the set of the latest George Romero zombie flick. Just look at Vincent Gallo - the dude looks unbelievably haggard, and still managed to get that tawdry trollop Chloe Sevigny to fellate him. On camera I might add.
Why did she do this? Cause Gallo is fucking cool. Are we learning yet?
Become An "Artist"
That's right folks, artists are some of the coolest people on the earth. And yeah, I know what you're thinking, "But Gargamel, I'm a talentless sap who wouldn't know art if it skullfucked my mom in front of me as a kid" THIS DOESN'T MATTER.
All you need to do is loosely follow my tips, and you're halfway there. Then all you need to do is start telling people that you're an artist! It's that simple. If someone asks you to see your work, just tell them that you can't let anyone see it until you're done - it would ruin your vision.
If all else fails, remember the golden rule. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. Go rob the nearest hobo of his prized possesions, throw them in a Radio Flyer, and VIOLA! you've got a Found Art exhibit. Or maybe performance art is your thing... just grab some Transformers or G.I. Joes and tear the arms off and dip them in red paint and then run around town screaming JIHAD.
If that isn't art then art is fucking dead. The more out there and meaningless your art is the better.
---
In conclusion, when it comes to coolness in 2006 - Awful is the new Awesome. Be negative, belligerent, disturbingly weird, and impossible. Reach for the gutter and you can only soar to the stars