Pickle 9, Apple Pie 18, Blue Raspberry 23
Author: Casey
Story: Nothing is Ever Easy universe, Post NIEE
Challenges: Pickle 9 (the stork - My Treat: “…you’re not seriously asking me how this happened.”), Apple Pie 18 (roots) & Blue Raspberry 23 (nervous laughter)
Toppings & Extras: Caramel (superCaramel), Sprinkles (Sage is proud of being a sprinkle)
Word Count: 1,653
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Sage isn’t sure she can handle this.
Notes: Sage and Nate live with Morgan, Mal and their two toddlers. At this point, Nate and Sage have been together not quite five years. So, I’m back on land, most likely permanently so expect me to be around a bunch more (I am also trying to drag Marina back via co-writes). I’ve got quite a backlog to post :)
Sage stared at her hands, watching them shake with a clinical sort of detachment. She was vaguely aware that the rest of her was shaking as well, but so far she was keeping the surging panic at bay. She could hear Nate whistling cheerfully next door in the kitchen and squeezed her eyes shut. She did not deserve him - him and his infinite patience and kindness and understanding - and now this.
They’d had sex for the first, and only, time well over a month before and while she’d enjoyed it thoroughly at the time, the nightmares had hit almost immediately afterwards. When Nate put the kibosh on it for the time being, she’d been more relieved then anything, needing a chance to conquer the nightmares before they tried again.
Sage clenched her hands into fists, trying to control the shaking, wanting to be in control of something at that moment. She wanted to scream and hit things and let all the panic out, all the panic and terror she’d been holding in for over a week, trying to act like everything was normal and peachy and wonderful.
They had long ago agreed, should they even make it to the point where sex was an option, that they’d leave the children to her cousin. Dean and Carrie had been married for a year and she knew they were trying. Now, though…Sage pressed one fist against her still flat stomach and tried to remember to breathe. The only good thing about all of this was that Morgan and Mal had taken the kids and gone to visit their parents for a couple weeks now that Maxie was more mobile. That gave Sage time to...do something.
“Sage? Are you okay?”
She started, eyes flying open to discover that Nate had somehow reached the door to the family room without her knowledge. “Yup, fine,” she said tightly.
He regarded her evenly through familiar brown eyes. “Tourn,” he said quietly and she winced.
“Damn it, Nathan,” she muttered, returning her gaze to her fists. They had long ago established his name as a sort of opposite safe word. Most of the time, Nate didn’t push, let her tell him in her own time, but it had become obvious early on that sometimes he needed to. His method was that simple. One word, but she knew what it meant.
He sat down next to her, but didn’t touch her, for which she was grateful, afraid she might lash out at him. “For you to be this pale and shaking at night is one thing. For you to do it in the middle of the day is something else entirely and it means I need to know.”
“I can’t do it,” she said.
“Tell me?”
“No, no, I can tell you.”
“Then what is it?”
She said nothing. It was only two words, three, if you got technical, but saying them out loud just made it real. Just changed everything and there was no going back. Then he put his hand on her shoulder. Logically, she knew he did it on purpose, knew he knew, knew she at least partially needed it and that she shouldn’t, but logic had fled with the rising panic. She reacted immediately, pushing his hand away and then shoving him. “Leave me alone,” she yelled, unable to focus specifically on him or anything but instinct. Sage shot to her feet and then shoved him again as he followed suit. Before she could do it for a third time, or actually hit him, which had happened on occasion, he caught her wrists in a firm grasp, pulled her forward and wrapped her in a tight, almost bone crushing hug.
“Shh,” he murmured, “it’s okay.”
Only then did she realize she was sobbing and half of her inability to focus was the tears that obscured her vision. She clung to him, burying her face in his shoulder. “It wasn’t supposed to happen, I’m sorry, I don’t know what to do,” she managed between heaving, gasping breaths.
He continued to hold her and a part of her relished the stability of him and his grip. “What wasn’t supposed to happen?”
She pushed back just slightly and he loosened his grip enough she could look up at him. “I’m pregnant.”
Nate stared at her. “What?” he asked finally, flabbergasted.
Sage dropped her head back down on his shoulder, tears still flowing freely, although she had a bit more control over herself. “I’ve been as regular as the moon for half my life and now I’m late. Too late.”
“We…it was only once. We took precautions,” he managed.
She couldn’t help it and, despite everything, she let out a watery laugh. “Don’t tell me you need a refresher course on where babies come from.”
“You mean it’s not the stork?”
She loosened her hold enough to half-heartedly punch his back. “This is serious, Nate.” She now went to pull away and he let her, although he kept a tight grip on both hands. Sage took a deep breath, grounding herself through that grip. “What are we supposed to do? There’s a child growing in my stomach and I…” she trailed off, swallowing hard in an attempt to keep herself from crying freshly.
“We’re going to take it one day at a time,” Nate said firmly, pulling their hands up enough to knock gently on her chin until she looked at him. “We’ve got almost eight months before the baby will even get here.”
“I’m not going to be any more ready in eight months!”
“You don’t have to be.”
She stared at him. “Give it up for adoption.” She was shaking her head before she even finished the sentence. “What if the family was a bad one? I couldn’t condemn our child to that.”
“We could handpick the family. I know there are ways to do that.”
“Still.”
“Sage, if you’re not ready-” he started, as patient as ever.
She finally shoved his hands away and turned, unable to face him. “That’s just the problem.”
“What is?” he asked, sounding confused.
“If I’m not ready. Not if we’re not ready. Not if you’re not ready. If I’m not ready. You want kids and are ready for kids and probably want to have sex more than once every five years too.”
He put his hand on her shoulder again, but this time she was in enough control not to take a wild swing at him. It was no longer instinct except when she was really upset, which she supposed meant she’d made some improvement. “I’ve told you before and I’ll tell you again, Sage. I’m willing to wait.”
She swallowed back tears. “I don’t see why.”
Before she could think to protest, he’d pulled her around, taken her cheeks firmly in both hands and kissed her. She started to push him away, got as far as her hands on his chest, before having to admit that she didn’t just like kissing him, but she loved it. Loved the feel of him and his lips and…her reaction died before it had fully developed and she fisted her hands into his shirt instead, tugging him closer.
Nate finally broke it, pulling away slowly and resting his forehead against hers. “Three years ago, you would have had a flashback and been incoherent for at least a day for that. Two years ago, you would have slugged me,” he said quietly with a half-smile. “A year ago, you would have finished your motion and shoved me on my ass. And even if you did, I’d still be here.” He stayed where he was, probably as much because of Sage’s iron grip on his shirt as anything. “You’ve come so far since we started.” He let go of one cheek to tuck some escaping hair behind her ear. “In eight months, who knows where we’ll be.”
“What if…” she whispered.
“What if nothing. You are so much better than your parents ever dreamed of being, Sage.” He shifted and kissed her on the nose, grinning as she pushed his face away, unable to help a small smile of her own. “You know what?”
“What?”
“I think you’d make a great mother.”
She let out a breath and now moved herself, hugging him again and resting her head on his shoulder, nose buried in the crook of his neck. “I hope you’re right, since it seems we aren’t really getting a choice.”
“That’s what can happen when a man and a woman come together-” he broke off with a yelping laugh as she dug her knuckle into his side. “Okay, okay, I get the point,” Nate said, tickling her in retaliation. Without otherwise moving, she grabbed his hand and twisted. He shook it free without too much effort and she could hear another grin in his voice when he spoke. “You know what else?”
“What?”
“I love you today and I’m going to love you tomorrow and eight months from now when this kid comes and eight years after that when the kid’s controlling our lives. Got it?”
She smiled. “I love you too, Natie,” she murmured and held on to him, but without the earlier edge, as she wondered. Maybe Nate was right, maybe they could do this. A part of her - bigger than she’d expected - thought it might work. “I don’t promise I won’t flip out again.”
“I’m getting really good at catching your fists,” he said lightly and her smile widened.
“Asshole.”
“Jerk,” he replied and kissed her temple. “I’m not promising I won’t flip out at some point either.”
She relaxed a lot at that. It meant he wasn’t quite as calm about this as he was acting. They had their big screwy family and, more importantly, she had Nate Miller, ex-pirate and best friend, besides her obnoxious little cousin, of course. “Thank you.”
She heard his smile. “Any time, Sage, any time.”
Story: Nothing is Ever Easy universe, Post NIEE
Challenges: Pickle 9 (the stork - My Treat: “…you’re not seriously asking me how this happened.”), Apple Pie 18 (roots) & Blue Raspberry 23 (nervous laughter)
Toppings & Extras: Caramel (superCaramel), Sprinkles (Sage is proud of being a sprinkle)
Word Count: 1,653
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Sage isn’t sure she can handle this.
Notes: Sage and Nate live with Morgan, Mal and their two toddlers. At this point, Nate and Sage have been together not quite five years. So, I’m back on land, most likely permanently so expect me to be around a bunch more (I am also trying to drag Marina back via co-writes). I’ve got quite a backlog to post :)
Sage stared at her hands, watching them shake with a clinical sort of detachment. She was vaguely aware that the rest of her was shaking as well, but so far she was keeping the surging panic at bay. She could hear Nate whistling cheerfully next door in the kitchen and squeezed her eyes shut. She did not deserve him - him and his infinite patience and kindness and understanding - and now this.
They’d had sex for the first, and only, time well over a month before and while she’d enjoyed it thoroughly at the time, the nightmares had hit almost immediately afterwards. When Nate put the kibosh on it for the time being, she’d been more relieved then anything, needing a chance to conquer the nightmares before they tried again.
Sage clenched her hands into fists, trying to control the shaking, wanting to be in control of something at that moment. She wanted to scream and hit things and let all the panic out, all the panic and terror she’d been holding in for over a week, trying to act like everything was normal and peachy and wonderful.
They had long ago agreed, should they even make it to the point where sex was an option, that they’d leave the children to her cousin. Dean and Carrie had been married for a year and she knew they were trying. Now, though…Sage pressed one fist against her still flat stomach and tried to remember to breathe. The only good thing about all of this was that Morgan and Mal had taken the kids and gone to visit their parents for a couple weeks now that Maxie was more mobile. That gave Sage time to...do something.
“Sage? Are you okay?”
She started, eyes flying open to discover that Nate had somehow reached the door to the family room without her knowledge. “Yup, fine,” she said tightly.
He regarded her evenly through familiar brown eyes. “Tourn,” he said quietly and she winced.
“Damn it, Nathan,” she muttered, returning her gaze to her fists. They had long ago established his name as a sort of opposite safe word. Most of the time, Nate didn’t push, let her tell him in her own time, but it had become obvious early on that sometimes he needed to. His method was that simple. One word, but she knew what it meant.
He sat down next to her, but didn’t touch her, for which she was grateful, afraid she might lash out at him. “For you to be this pale and shaking at night is one thing. For you to do it in the middle of the day is something else entirely and it means I need to know.”
“I can’t do it,” she said.
“Tell me?”
“No, no, I can tell you.”
“Then what is it?”
She said nothing. It was only two words, three, if you got technical, but saying them out loud just made it real. Just changed everything and there was no going back. Then he put his hand on her shoulder. Logically, she knew he did it on purpose, knew he knew, knew she at least partially needed it and that she shouldn’t, but logic had fled with the rising panic. She reacted immediately, pushing his hand away and then shoving him. “Leave me alone,” she yelled, unable to focus specifically on him or anything but instinct. Sage shot to her feet and then shoved him again as he followed suit. Before she could do it for a third time, or actually hit him, which had happened on occasion, he caught her wrists in a firm grasp, pulled her forward and wrapped her in a tight, almost bone crushing hug.
“Shh,” he murmured, “it’s okay.”
Only then did she realize she was sobbing and half of her inability to focus was the tears that obscured her vision. She clung to him, burying her face in his shoulder. “It wasn’t supposed to happen, I’m sorry, I don’t know what to do,” she managed between heaving, gasping breaths.
He continued to hold her and a part of her relished the stability of him and his grip. “What wasn’t supposed to happen?”
She pushed back just slightly and he loosened his grip enough she could look up at him. “I’m pregnant.”
Nate stared at her. “What?” he asked finally, flabbergasted.
Sage dropped her head back down on his shoulder, tears still flowing freely, although she had a bit more control over herself. “I’ve been as regular as the moon for half my life and now I’m late. Too late.”
“We…it was only once. We took precautions,” he managed.
She couldn’t help it and, despite everything, she let out a watery laugh. “Don’t tell me you need a refresher course on where babies come from.”
“You mean it’s not the stork?”
She loosened her hold enough to half-heartedly punch his back. “This is serious, Nate.” She now went to pull away and he let her, although he kept a tight grip on both hands. Sage took a deep breath, grounding herself through that grip. “What are we supposed to do? There’s a child growing in my stomach and I…” she trailed off, swallowing hard in an attempt to keep herself from crying freshly.
“We’re going to take it one day at a time,” Nate said firmly, pulling their hands up enough to knock gently on her chin until she looked at him. “We’ve got almost eight months before the baby will even get here.”
“I’m not going to be any more ready in eight months!”
“You don’t have to be.”
She stared at him. “Give it up for adoption.” She was shaking her head before she even finished the sentence. “What if the family was a bad one? I couldn’t condemn our child to that.”
“We could handpick the family. I know there are ways to do that.”
“Still.”
“Sage, if you’re not ready-” he started, as patient as ever.
She finally shoved his hands away and turned, unable to face him. “That’s just the problem.”
“What is?” he asked, sounding confused.
“If I’m not ready. Not if we’re not ready. Not if you’re not ready. If I’m not ready. You want kids and are ready for kids and probably want to have sex more than once every five years too.”
He put his hand on her shoulder again, but this time she was in enough control not to take a wild swing at him. It was no longer instinct except when she was really upset, which she supposed meant she’d made some improvement. “I’ve told you before and I’ll tell you again, Sage. I’m willing to wait.”
She swallowed back tears. “I don’t see why.”
Before she could think to protest, he’d pulled her around, taken her cheeks firmly in both hands and kissed her. She started to push him away, got as far as her hands on his chest, before having to admit that she didn’t just like kissing him, but she loved it. Loved the feel of him and his lips and…her reaction died before it had fully developed and she fisted her hands into his shirt instead, tugging him closer.
Nate finally broke it, pulling away slowly and resting his forehead against hers. “Three years ago, you would have had a flashback and been incoherent for at least a day for that. Two years ago, you would have slugged me,” he said quietly with a half-smile. “A year ago, you would have finished your motion and shoved me on my ass. And even if you did, I’d still be here.” He stayed where he was, probably as much because of Sage’s iron grip on his shirt as anything. “You’ve come so far since we started.” He let go of one cheek to tuck some escaping hair behind her ear. “In eight months, who knows where we’ll be.”
“What if…” she whispered.
“What if nothing. You are so much better than your parents ever dreamed of being, Sage.” He shifted and kissed her on the nose, grinning as she pushed his face away, unable to help a small smile of her own. “You know what?”
“What?”
“I think you’d make a great mother.”
She let out a breath and now moved herself, hugging him again and resting her head on his shoulder, nose buried in the crook of his neck. “I hope you’re right, since it seems we aren’t really getting a choice.”
“That’s what can happen when a man and a woman come together-” he broke off with a yelping laugh as she dug her knuckle into his side. “Okay, okay, I get the point,” Nate said, tickling her in retaliation. Without otherwise moving, she grabbed his hand and twisted. He shook it free without too much effort and she could hear another grin in his voice when he spoke. “You know what else?”
“What?”
“I love you today and I’m going to love you tomorrow and eight months from now when this kid comes and eight years after that when the kid’s controlling our lives. Got it?”
She smiled. “I love you too, Natie,” she murmured and held on to him, but without the earlier edge, as she wondered. Maybe Nate was right, maybe they could do this. A part of her - bigger than she’d expected - thought it might work. “I don’t promise I won’t flip out again.”
“I’m getting really good at catching your fists,” he said lightly and her smile widened.
“Asshole.”
“Jerk,” he replied and kissed her temple. “I’m not promising I won’t flip out at some point either.”
She relaxed a lot at that. It meant he wasn’t quite as calm about this as he was acting. They had their big screwy family and, more importantly, she had Nate Miller, ex-pirate and best friend, besides her obnoxious little cousin, of course. “Thank you.”
She heard his smile. “Any time, Sage, any time.”