mango #13: calling for backup
Author: Marika Kailaya
Title: But It Has Legs!
'Verse: Nagekawashii; LD
Challenge: Mango: 13. calling for backup
Counts for the Summer Challenge?: Yes.
Toppings/Extras: N/A
Wordcount: 1529
Rating: PG
A/N: post-LD.
"Lavender, there's something in the shower." Ijirashii was wringing his hands and looking panicked, but he was also dripping and in a towel, so if you wanted be truthful, there was no way Lavender could take him seriously.
"I see." Lavender peered at him over his book. "I knew we shouldn't have watched Psycho last night."
Ijirashii crossed his arms over his chest. His hair was soaked and clinging to his face. "No, I mean, really, there's something in there," he said indignantly, or at least with as much venom as one can muster when one is dripping in a towel and insisting there's something in the shower.
"All right, then. Does it have a knife?" Lavender asked him solemnly. He set his book down and pushed his glasses up on his nose. "Look, Ijirashii, I could understand you having mother issues-I mean, she did disown you and all, but-"
"No, you asshole, it has eight fucking ginormous legs!"
"Oh! A spider. Well, why didn't you just say so?" Lavender stood, shaking his head. "So, pick it up and take it outside. Or would you like me to pick it up and take it out?"
Ijirashii shook his head vigorously. "No, no, no, I want you to go in there and shoot it until it dies."
Lavender bit his lip to keep from laughing. "Right. Because I own a gun and obviously I'd need one to get rid of a spider."
"Well, you need a gun if spiders like this get in your house!"
Actually Lavender owned several guns, most of which were concealed in various places around the apartment and all of which would end with a tarantula the size of a plate splattered straight into a hole in the wall.
Still, he wasn't sure he liked Ijirashii just assuming he owned a gun anyway. Honestly.
"Look," he said, setting his book on the table and walking past Ijirashii and into the bathroom, "it's smaller than you, which, I'm not sure if you realize this, makes it probably too small to see with a magnifying glass-holy Mary Mother of God what the motherfucking hell is that thing?" Lavender screamed, backing away from the bathroom at a run the instant he stepped inside.
"I told you so!" Ijirashii howled. He ducked behind Lavender, tracking water on the carpet. "We need to call the police!"
"We need to call Blair!"
"We need to call animal control!"
"We need to call my mother!" Lavender sputtered, his eyes glued to the spider sitting calmly on the wall. If that thing moved so much as one of its big honking legs Lavender was going to be too afraid to go find a gun.
"Make it go away, Lavender! It's going to eat us! It is actually fucking going to devour us, I saw its web, it has a web in there, it's the biggest web I've ever seen," Ijirashii wailed.
"Call Blair!"
"Call the police!" Ijirashii insisted.
"Call animal control!" It made sense. It was like a small dog.
"Call Adrianne!" Ijirashii cried, clutching at the back of Lavender's shirt.
Lavender began to feel very ill. "Look," he said, backing away even more and tripping Ijirashii without even noticing. He was breathing heavily. "We need to just. We need to go in there, and we need to kill it."
"With a gun?" Ijirashii whimpered.
"With a. With a shoe. Or a plate. Or a gun," Lavender said, trying not to hyperventilate. "Ijirashii, I want you to go get me one of my shoes over there by the-"
"They're heels," Ijirashii yelled. "You were wearing heels! The spider is bigger than your fucking shoe!"
"Shit. Okay. Go into the kitchen, get me a plate."
"Okay," Ijirashii said, after a moment. "Okay." He began to creep slowly towards the kitchen.
The spider moved half an inch.
Lavender screamed like he was being tortured, dashed into the kitchen, grabbed Ijirashii by the sleeve, and started pulling him out of the apartment. "We have to fucking go!" he shouted. "We have to get the fuck away from that thing, that shit isn't fucking natural!"
Ijirashii ran willingly, plate in hand, down the hall and to the elevators.
Lavender glanced from the elevators to the apartment door he'd slammed shut. "Let's take the stairs. The spider might, it might-"
Ijirashii was already racing down the stairs hysterically.
Once they were on the streets, panting and sweating, they looked back up at Lavender's window.
The spider had clearly gotten bored of the bathroom, or perhaps-more likely-frightened terribly by all the shrieking, and had moved to Lavender's bedroom window. There was a large dark shape scuttling across the glass.
"Call Blair!" Ijirashii screamed, startling many, many passers-by.
"Call the police! Or the superintendent! I don't know! Fuck!"
"Call fucking Adrianne!"
"My mom is in New York!"
"Shit!"
"We're going to Blair's!"
And with that, they ran all the way to Blair's, pounding on the door of that stupid huge house he inherited a long damn time ago until Blair opened it, wearing pajamas and looking sleepy. His hair was messy.
"What?" he mumbled. "What's all the-"
"There's a fucking spider in our apartment!" Ijirashii shrieked, flying past Blair with Lavender on his heels.
Blair turned around and blinked sleepily at them. "What? Are you nuts?"
"Where is Joel?" Lavender demanded, gasping and tugging at Blair's shirt collar.
Blair looked down at him, frowning, and pried his fingers away. Ijirashii had curled up under the coffee table in the living room with all three cats. "Asleep," he said, "like I want to be. Seriously, what the fuck, guys?"
"There's a spider," Lavender said, going over to huddle in one of Blair's obscenely expensive chairs, "and it's the size of a small dog, and it's got legs, and it's got eight legs, and it was in the bathroom, and-"
"And it had a web in the bathroom, a really big web like you might fit a human in or something!" Ijirashii interrupted, desperately.
"-Yeah, and then it moved, it moved, Blair, it's alive, and then we ran and we saw it on the bedroom window and oh my god Blair we were going to kill it-"
Ijirashii held out the plate he was still clinging to.
"-but oh my god it was moving."
Blair stared at them. Two grown men, one of whom had committed more crimes to avoid being killed than you ever saw on bad television, the other of whom had been a prostitute by age fourteen. The latter was hiding under his table with a plate and Blair's cats. The former had his arms wrapped around himself in a chair and was rocking back and forth, wild-eyed.
"You guys are fucking nuts," Blair told them, flatly, folding his arms. "Go the fuck home and let me sleep."
Joel appeared at the foot of the stairs, bleary-eyed. His blonde hair was sticking out in every possible direction and a section of it was glued to his mouth. He mumbled something that sounded like "Huzzawhazzabuh?" but was in reality probably, "Why are you guys screaming? Did Lav kill someone? I'm not getting involved in this one."
Lavender was briefly distracted by realizing Joel was wearing Power Rangers pajamas.
Blair pointed accusingly. "Those two fucknuts," he said, "ran all the way here 'cause there's a fuckin' spider in their bedroom."
Joel blinked at them in confusion. "Why didn't you just kill it? Or take it outside?"
"Because it was the size of a-"
"And it moved!"
"I sincerely hope it moved, dudes," Joel said, raising his eyebrow. "Dead spiders look freaky as shit. Blair, let's go over and kill it for 'em. Maybe bring them back some legs."
Blair began to laugh. "Oh god. Can we just keep it as a wee little pet?"
"Fuck yeah, man! I always wanted a big ass tarantula but Mom never let me," Joel said, enthused.
"Awesome. Lemme get my shoes and we'll go catch that motherfucker!" Blair said, gleefully.
Lavender and Ijirashii shared a glance.
They said nothing, however, knowing only that there was no way in hell Blair and Joel would be able to bring the spider back. This, and the fact that someone else was going to be murdered by the demon, was their only consolation.
***
Joel and Blair returned nearly an hour later to find Lavender and Ijirashii huddled, pale and probably fully convinced their friends were dead, in Blair's bed.
They stood in the doorway, arms folded, pale themselves. "It's dead, you know," Blair said dryly. "We killed it."
Ijirashii and Lavender stared at Blair and Joel blankly. "What?" Lavender finally said. "You're fucking with us. You've got it with you, don't-no," he interrupted himself. "It ate you and took on the form of your bodies and is in this room now and oh-"
"It's dead, for fuck's sake!" Blair snapped.
Joel cleared his throat awkwardly. "Um, the thing is," he began.
"What?" Lavender demanded.
"It's just..."
"What?" Ijirashii whimpered.
"Well, um," Joel said, "there's kind of a bullet hole in your bedroom window now."
Title: But It Has Legs!
'Verse: Nagekawashii; LD
Challenge: Mango: 13. calling for backup
Counts for the Summer Challenge?: Yes.
Toppings/Extras: N/A
Wordcount: 1529
Rating: PG
A/N: post-LD.
"Lavender, there's something in the shower." Ijirashii was wringing his hands and looking panicked, but he was also dripping and in a towel, so if you wanted be truthful, there was no way Lavender could take him seriously.
"I see." Lavender peered at him over his book. "I knew we shouldn't have watched Psycho last night."
Ijirashii crossed his arms over his chest. His hair was soaked and clinging to his face. "No, I mean, really, there's something in there," he said indignantly, or at least with as much venom as one can muster when one is dripping in a towel and insisting there's something in the shower.
"All right, then. Does it have a knife?" Lavender asked him solemnly. He set his book down and pushed his glasses up on his nose. "Look, Ijirashii, I could understand you having mother issues-I mean, she did disown you and all, but-"
"No, you asshole, it has eight fucking ginormous legs!"
"Oh! A spider. Well, why didn't you just say so?" Lavender stood, shaking his head. "So, pick it up and take it outside. Or would you like me to pick it up and take it out?"
Ijirashii shook his head vigorously. "No, no, no, I want you to go in there and shoot it until it dies."
Lavender bit his lip to keep from laughing. "Right. Because I own a gun and obviously I'd need one to get rid of a spider."
"Well, you need a gun if spiders like this get in your house!"
Actually Lavender owned several guns, most of which were concealed in various places around the apartment and all of which would end with a tarantula the size of a plate splattered straight into a hole in the wall.
Still, he wasn't sure he liked Ijirashii just assuming he owned a gun anyway. Honestly.
"Look," he said, setting his book on the table and walking past Ijirashii and into the bathroom, "it's smaller than you, which, I'm not sure if you realize this, makes it probably too small to see with a magnifying glass-holy Mary Mother of God what the motherfucking hell is that thing?" Lavender screamed, backing away from the bathroom at a run the instant he stepped inside.
"I told you so!" Ijirashii howled. He ducked behind Lavender, tracking water on the carpet. "We need to call the police!"
"We need to call Blair!"
"We need to call animal control!"
"We need to call my mother!" Lavender sputtered, his eyes glued to the spider sitting calmly on the wall. If that thing moved so much as one of its big honking legs Lavender was going to be too afraid to go find a gun.
"Make it go away, Lavender! It's going to eat us! It is actually fucking going to devour us, I saw its web, it has a web in there, it's the biggest web I've ever seen," Ijirashii wailed.
"Call Blair!"
"Call the police!" Ijirashii insisted.
"Call animal control!" It made sense. It was like a small dog.
"Call Adrianne!" Ijirashii cried, clutching at the back of Lavender's shirt.
Lavender began to feel very ill. "Look," he said, backing away even more and tripping Ijirashii without even noticing. He was breathing heavily. "We need to just. We need to go in there, and we need to kill it."
"With a gun?" Ijirashii whimpered.
"With a. With a shoe. Or a plate. Or a gun," Lavender said, trying not to hyperventilate. "Ijirashii, I want you to go get me one of my shoes over there by the-"
"They're heels," Ijirashii yelled. "You were wearing heels! The spider is bigger than your fucking shoe!"
"Shit. Okay. Go into the kitchen, get me a plate."
"Okay," Ijirashii said, after a moment. "Okay." He began to creep slowly towards the kitchen.
The spider moved half an inch.
Lavender screamed like he was being tortured, dashed into the kitchen, grabbed Ijirashii by the sleeve, and started pulling him out of the apartment. "We have to fucking go!" he shouted. "We have to get the fuck away from that thing, that shit isn't fucking natural!"
Ijirashii ran willingly, plate in hand, down the hall and to the elevators.
Lavender glanced from the elevators to the apartment door he'd slammed shut. "Let's take the stairs. The spider might, it might-"
Ijirashii was already racing down the stairs hysterically.
Once they were on the streets, panting and sweating, they looked back up at Lavender's window.
The spider had clearly gotten bored of the bathroom, or perhaps-more likely-frightened terribly by all the shrieking, and had moved to Lavender's bedroom window. There was a large dark shape scuttling across the glass.
"Call Blair!" Ijirashii screamed, startling many, many passers-by.
"Call the police! Or the superintendent! I don't know! Fuck!"
"Call fucking Adrianne!"
"My mom is in New York!"
"Shit!"
"We're going to Blair's!"
And with that, they ran all the way to Blair's, pounding on the door of that stupid huge house he inherited a long damn time ago until Blair opened it, wearing pajamas and looking sleepy. His hair was messy.
"What?" he mumbled. "What's all the-"
"There's a fucking spider in our apartment!" Ijirashii shrieked, flying past Blair with Lavender on his heels.
Blair turned around and blinked sleepily at them. "What? Are you nuts?"
"Where is Joel?" Lavender demanded, gasping and tugging at Blair's shirt collar.
Blair looked down at him, frowning, and pried his fingers away. Ijirashii had curled up under the coffee table in the living room with all three cats. "Asleep," he said, "like I want to be. Seriously, what the fuck, guys?"
"There's a spider," Lavender said, going over to huddle in one of Blair's obscenely expensive chairs, "and it's the size of a small dog, and it's got legs, and it's got eight legs, and it was in the bathroom, and-"
"And it had a web in the bathroom, a really big web like you might fit a human in or something!" Ijirashii interrupted, desperately.
"-Yeah, and then it moved, it moved, Blair, it's alive, and then we ran and we saw it on the bedroom window and oh my god Blair we were going to kill it-"
Ijirashii held out the plate he was still clinging to.
"-but oh my god it was moving."
Blair stared at them. Two grown men, one of whom had committed more crimes to avoid being killed than you ever saw on bad television, the other of whom had been a prostitute by age fourteen. The latter was hiding under his table with a plate and Blair's cats. The former had his arms wrapped around himself in a chair and was rocking back and forth, wild-eyed.
"You guys are fucking nuts," Blair told them, flatly, folding his arms. "Go the fuck home and let me sleep."
Joel appeared at the foot of the stairs, bleary-eyed. His blonde hair was sticking out in every possible direction and a section of it was glued to his mouth. He mumbled something that sounded like "Huzzawhazzabuh?" but was in reality probably, "Why are you guys screaming? Did Lav kill someone? I'm not getting involved in this one."
Lavender was briefly distracted by realizing Joel was wearing Power Rangers pajamas.
Blair pointed accusingly. "Those two fucknuts," he said, "ran all the way here 'cause there's a fuckin' spider in their bedroom."
Joel blinked at them in confusion. "Why didn't you just kill it? Or take it outside?"
"Because it was the size of a-"
"And it moved!"
"I sincerely hope it moved, dudes," Joel said, raising his eyebrow. "Dead spiders look freaky as shit. Blair, let's go over and kill it for 'em. Maybe bring them back some legs."
Blair began to laugh. "Oh god. Can we just keep it as a wee little pet?"
"Fuck yeah, man! I always wanted a big ass tarantula but Mom never let me," Joel said, enthused.
"Awesome. Lemme get my shoes and we'll go catch that motherfucker!" Blair said, gleefully.
Lavender and Ijirashii shared a glance.
They said nothing, however, knowing only that there was no way in hell Blair and Joel would be able to bring the spider back. This, and the fact that someone else was going to be murdered by the demon, was their only consolation.
***
Joel and Blair returned nearly an hour later to find Lavender and Ijirashii huddled, pale and probably fully convinced their friends were dead, in Blair's bed.
They stood in the doorway, arms folded, pale themselves. "It's dead, you know," Blair said dryly. "We killed it."
Ijirashii and Lavender stared at Blair and Joel blankly. "What?" Lavender finally said. "You're fucking with us. You've got it with you, don't-no," he interrupted himself. "It ate you and took on the form of your bodies and is in this room now and oh-"
"It's dead, for fuck's sake!" Blair snapped.
Joel cleared his throat awkwardly. "Um, the thing is," he began.
"What?" Lavender demanded.
"It's just..."
"What?" Ijirashii whimpered.
"Well, um," Joel said, "there's kind of a bullet hole in your bedroom window now."